More than wordz

Posted by ~Meik on
What's up fam...as most of you know..writing is my outlet when I can't really verbally express how I'm feeling..so bear with me..I gotta get these thoughts out..so it maybe a lil all over the place..

I've always been the type to never really let anyone get too close, and yet I learned at an early age how to hide behind the mask and pretend everything is okay..

years later.. its really not okay.. the proverbial shit has hit the fan and my life as I know it will probably never be the same.. but the funny part is, I can remember every single night laying in my bed with my headphones over my ears begging God to fix it and He never did (and no this aint got ish to do with some sexual abuse before u get it twisted..).. and now, while there may be light at the end of the tunnel, it's weird.. Im not comforted by that..

I think its because for so long I didn't let anyone in to let them know what was wrong, and now that I need someone to talk to, listen, hear me scream, cry, curse and whatever else.. no one is there. All of the memories, all of the angst, hurt, pissitivity, regret ect is boiling over now, and ....i dont know..

I guess what I'm trying to say is keeping ish bottled up for so long only hurts you in the end.. unfortunately, I still don't trust anyone enough to start from the beginning and spill it..

On the other hand, I've always been big on redirecting my focus onto other things..hence probably the reason im always all over the place, blogging, writing, school, work, side hustling and anything else..just so i dont have to be alone with my thoughts..

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this blog anymore.. but I do want to reach out and thank every single person that reads my blogs, articles, crazy tweets, facebook, and myspace statuses.. You may not realize it, but every encouraging word goes a long way.. and right now.. I need that more than you know.. so Thank You..

~Meik.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...
April 23, 2010 at 11:12 AM

Meik, so you know, God and your Guardian Angel have always and will have your back, but all of the up and down emotions and trials that you have been going through and keeping bottled within will soon be set free...Trust, I know this from my own experiences..A whole new outlook is approaching very, very soon!!!

Toy said...
April 23, 2010 at 3:11 PM

You know you can ALWAYS count on God and for what it's worth I was the SAME EXACT WAY. To an extent I still am, but I have learned and learned the HARD WAY who I can and cannot trust.

So know, as long as I have breath you are not alone girl.

Thanks for always keeping it real and making me laugh in the interim.

DeKaynon said...
April 25, 2010 at 12:05 PM

You should start a Youtube account. Put your thoughts to video.

@FABMOMCLT said...
April 27, 2010 at 12:32 AM

I used to be the same way; always hiding my feelings and trying to be strong. But, strong for who? I have two kids to care for. I don't have time to be putting up a front acting like all is well when it's really NOT. At some point you will realize that what matters is being healthy. Not being able to trust others or strong enough to deal with the pain is not healthy. You better deal with it before it deals with you. As the other comments stated, just know that GOD is there, lean on him to lead you in the right direction. I know this sounds corny, but counseling doesn't hurt!!

Anonymous said...
June 27, 2010 at 2:47 AM

I am here at 245 am b/c I've got my own shit going on I keep damn bottled up and your words always make me smile not cry even tho I just read and not comment....thanks...

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