A Toe Sucking Mofo

NC Mofos are TRYING IT this week chile.... Walmart.. toe sucking... just.. ew.

What you mean Meik??

I'm sooooo glad you asked..peep this video then we shall resume chatting---





Grossed the f out yet? Good.. we feel the exact same way.

I have many questions that I need to get off my big ole hefty chest about this ish..

1. I don't do no strangers approaching me too tough as my sister and deddy would say.. so a mofo that approaches ME.. in a mofo'n WALMART.. finna get blank dayum stared.. soooo how in the hot hayle did this woman agree to a random black man in a Heathcliff Huxtable sweater to help her try on shoes??

2. Was she shopping for shoes in Walmart? WHY??? The article I read says she was just shopping and this mofo ASKED her if he could HELP her try on shoes and this heffa bish thought he was an employee?! Let's break this down for a moment---

Man in a Cosby sweater vs Walmart employees in blue vests.. and name tags.. yeah.. maybe I'm crazy..but I can't see how one would mix up an employee with a NON MOFO'N EMPLOYEE.

If I ain't shopping for shoes in the dayum store..WTF Do EYEEEE look like agreeing to go try on some shoes with a man in a Cosby sweater? Now in my mind, I feel like he's sweating and breathing hard cuz he is close to zeroing in on some toes.. chile bye..

but anyhoo let's continue..

3. According to police reports: "She thought he worked at the store and agreed to try on shoes when Brown told her he was a podiatry student." Stop right there.

*blink blink blink* First ONE.. Podiatry or podiatric medicine is a branch of medicine devoted to the study of diagnosis, medical and surgical treatment of disorders of the foot, ankle, and lower extremity. SO WHAT THE ENTIRE DAYUM HELL DOES A STUDENT NEED TO BE STUDYING FEET AND CANKLES IN THE DAYUM WALMART FUH?!!!

Again.. COSBY SWEATER........ no blue vest... and now this mofo'n wanna talk about his education???? And this heffa bish in her mind thought.. oh ok.. he looks legit.

I don't have time.

4. According to a report.. the victim said "He said, ‘I need to take a picture for research,’ and when he took the picture he stuck my foot in his mouth".....

*sigh* So.. mofos just taking pics of random feet to research later.. mmk. MAKES TOTAL SENSE... sdlafjdsklfjasdl;jf;klasjfklsdj

So at NO point when he was salivating, hunching the air and caressing her foot while taking the picture did she think ..Houston, we have a problem?? At no point did she wonder why a STUDENT would be helping her try on shoes that she didn't even dayum go in there to buy?? At no point did she ask for some identification.. a student ID.. NOTHING?! I do wonder what school this mofo said he went to but anyhoo..

5. Why didn't she kick that mofo dead in his THROAK when he leaned in to stick them toes in his MOUF? I woulda kicked his got dayum teeth in.. tho he look like he got some jagged edgeD teef ..I bet her toes had the entire hell scraped out of em.

6. So, Mr. Podiatry student.. random feet could mean toe jam, athlete's foot, crust in BETWEENXST the toes and on the heel, long toenails..I mean the list goes on, but you were that got doggone pressed to find someone to let you suck on their toes. Don't they have special clubs for fetishes or some ish?

7. The report goes on to say ---> " Realizing she was clearly upset, "He said, ‘Sorry ma’am. Please, please, please.’" He offered to pay for her groceries but she ran to call her husband and the police.

Lemme get this straight.. she declined FREE groceries tho? I would have filled up that dayum cart.. prob got another one and filled it up ..had him pay for the dayum groceries and called the po po as I was loading the ish in the car ooookayyyy... but then again.. we wouldn't have gotten this far..he'd still be choking on his teef that got kicked down his nasty freak off THROAK.

I have heard so many folks say she should be charged for being dumb as hell.

8. Lastly...This mofo is a registered sex offender, was convicted in 2001 for breaking into a house and sucking on another woman’s toes.

I AM DONE. I am unable.


Lesson here---> Keep your toes and toe fungus to yourself in the aisles of walmart..use common dayum sense to stay safe please!

Until Later..
Meik

Lustful Like Thinking

*blows the dust off the blog* What's up Mofos?! Yes.. I am back.. and yes.. I know I ain't about nothin since I can't seem to keep this blog up to date.. ANTYHOO.. why y'all harping on the past..I'm here now! Shall we proceed--- this is a bit all over the place, but bear with me and hopefully you'll get where I'm going..if not.. that's your fault LOL..

Have you ever been "in like" with someone? What you mean Meik?

There's being "in like" and being "in lust".. now what's the dayum difference might you ask? I'm so glad you asked!

Lust is when all you can do is think about hunchin'..YES I said HUNCHIN' and despite their many personality flaws and disorders, you don't care..all that matters is what's down below, and all you can think about is those sweaty muscles and that 6 pack and then smelling all good and ...lemme snap back to the present.. my bad.. but you get the point. This falls right in line with infatuation in my opinion..it's based on desire and attraction. (But just as a point of reference here.. I lust after football players like..wayment..well I shouldn't name names they could be reading this LMAO)

Like is when you well..like them..shoot love may even slip in there at some point. You actually want to hold conversations with that person and you want to be bothered with this person and spend time with them, not send them to friend zone voicemail everytime they call. You actually even care what they think and if your friends and family give their seal of approval. Lo and behold, the physical isn't the only thing that matters..there may even be..*gasp* Chemistry!


There have been many times that I thought I was "in like"..but really, it was in "a hey boo you the only one really paying me some attention so I'll be bothered with you" type of thing. Then there have been times that lust morphed into like only to slap me in the face and me being left in the friendzone jail watching as a string of girls hook up with the guy I thought could be the one. Then there is the "in like" where I genuinely wanted to know more about a guy and spend time with him and see where it goes.. but *crickets* ... I'll have to let you know if that one ever works out.. but back to the blog rambling...

These days, this new-fangled dating experience just ain't the same. What happened to the days when you could tell if someone actually LIKED you? What happened to the days when you didn't have to play so many hide and seek games and you could just hide and go get it if that's what you wanted? (Don't act like I'm the only one that knows about that game.. if you grew up around other black folks or even folks that were too dayum fast for their age..YOU KNOW about that game LOL)

What ever happened to boy meets girl, boy asks girl out.. boy courts girl.. girl knows without a shadow of a doubt boy likes her and she likes him.. they spend time together..and skip down the road of relationship happiness??!! Why can't dating be this simple??

I recall in high school and even college I never had to jump through as many hoops as I have had to as an adult in her late 20's..(SHUTUP).. There's always that fine line of "will this mofo throw me in the debbil filled friend zone or will he just try to sentence me to jumpoff hell? And FORGET trying to have morals and be spiritual and trying to date.. I recall one guy informing me that "God will forgive you if you just go ahead and do it." Sir...................... *Blink blink blink* Then there are the mofos that give you the ultimatum..give up the pannies or else.. MOFO OR ELSE WHAT?? Sorry I bout had a flashback there for a second ..

Why is it so hard for people to just get to know each other FIRST..before the bumping of uglies begins?? Why is it so hard to even date in 2014.. I swear it shouldn't be this dayum difficult but yet....

If dating were easy..The Mofo Chronicles just wouldn't exist I suppose *shrugs*

Lemme leave you with this..cuz I like this song:::






I'm done rambling for now lol..
Until Later..
Meik..

Happy New Me..and You..and You.. and..

*whispers* Happy New Year!!! Ok yeah, I know I'm a few weeks late but hell, who gonna check me boo?

With the new year, means new resolutions and a new you..right? How are y'all and your new selves so far? mmmk..just what I thought.

Me and my new self? Well, I decided to try weight watchers.

What?!

Yes...I said it, admitted it and will repeat it for the slow readers.. I AM DOING THE WEIGHT WATCHERS PLAN.

Well you don't look like you need to lose THAT much!

Ok I am just imagining that y'all are saying that but in reality my grandma, bless her soul would be the one telling me that, but I am only trying to lose about 15-20 lbs.. maybe..more would be cute, but I'm being realistic here..and I'm only signed up for a 3 month period LOL

Why am I trying to lose weight?

To be healthier and to feel better and well hell to look better in my clothes without all the lumps and bumpty bumps--tho I suppose spanx could help that but I'd rather not go that route just yet..

Week one wasn't so bad... except I AM HUNGRY! I cannot understand the logic in this point system, but towards the end of the week I got the hang of it and have even started turning down foods in the newsroom that I normally wouldn't turn my nose up at like donuts.. in my brain I'm calculating, if I eat that then I can't eat ish else for the rest of the day except fruit or veggies..nawl bruh..nawl..

I'm also finding that I am able to pre-plan meals because I am a creature of habit and once I start eating one thing I ride with that til the wheels fall off or I get bored with it. My biggest issue is that I hate cooking (sorry future boo that could be reading this.. I cook, but I just hate doing it.. you will still love me tho right? I have a mean takeout game chile) but anyhoo.. I am learning that there are some recipes that I can get by on.. like I haven't eaten an egg salad sammich in years.. my mama and grandma made the best ones..but a healthy version..I was like EWWWW but shockingly..it wasn't bad!

I am a snack fiend.. so giving up potato chips is just not gonna happen, then I discovered Simply Balanced Baked Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper chips *wall slides* yessssssssssss.... I think I just got a lil too excited..forgive me. I love that Weight Watchers has lots of fun snacks..especially for my sweet tooth.. those lil cakes that are enough to piss you off but also satisfy that yearning for something sweet and the ice cream.. gawd.. deelish.. and let's not forget the skinny cow variety of chocolates.. listen.. I don't need to see a peanut butter M&M ever again in life as long as I can have a caramel filled skinny cow chocolate mmk?

Water is key.. that's all I can say. You must move.. go walk or dance around the room. I am a lil limited in what I can do because of my nerve damaged leg but I have found that even my therapy exercises and my attempts at pilates and yoga and ballet stretch workouts or even limping around Target are better than just being a couch potato.

Weight loss for the first week..wasn't what I expected but some loss is better than none right? After all.. I am the ONE POUNDER of the show "I Want to Look Like A High School Cheerleader Again" and in true form.. I lost ONE dayum pound again. I'm not discouraged though because I lost inches, and my pants are a lil looser.. soooooooo the journey continues..

Onward to week 2...

Are any of you on a weight loss journey? If so.. let me know your tricks and tips and let's encourage each other!

Until Later..

Meik..

Get the hell on 2013

It's me again Mofo-ville! Yes..2x in one month *faints*



Anyhoo..as the year winds down, many of us are in a reflective state of what did I learn this year, who needs to get banT from the inner circle, what decisions did I make that backfired, and what do I need to change, or we just are recycling the same ole bs that we do at the end of every year knowing dayum hell well we ain't going to the gym, we ain't banning nobody, and we ain't gonna change LOL

For me, 2013 was absolutely one of the worst years ever. I lost my best friend, my grandmother, and I now suffer from some ish cuz of an incompetent surgeon. Loads of fun huh? But there were some highlights of 2013.. let's run down a few of those---

I got to interview some legendary folks--Billy Dee Williams, Ron Isley, Chris Jasper,Charlie Wilson Boogalo Shrimp, Glenn Jones, Jon B, Big Daddy Kane and a host of others.. AHHHHHHHHMAAAAZING!

I got a call from a magazine wanting to interview lil ole me for a job..only problem is..just like a man..they never followed up and that fizzled BUT.. it made me realize that I do have what it takes and it felt good to be wanted *twerks*

The year can't go by without learning a few things..here are the lessons that I learned:

Mofos will judge you by what you put on Social Media and ASSume that your wreckless MOUF is what you get in person.

Online dating ain't fuh me.

Having a crush has never done much for me but get my feelings CRUSHED so no need to carry that over into 2014.

You can still be cute in flats.. shorter..but cute.

Friends that uplift and encourage are the keepers ..not the ones that discourage

Some folks will always have some kind of drama surrounding them.. and ain't nothing you can say to help them ride thru the storm..they are hard headed and ain't gonna listen anyway, they are gonna ask 50'levum people their advice, get the same response, and still end up with drama..so in the end, just don't even bother giving advice to the hard headed.. they ain't gonna listen.

You can hate where you are, but respect is just a minimum.

Family is everything.

If someone doesn't like you without knowing you, that's their loss.

Forgiveness of self is essential in the forgiving process before you get over it and move forward.

Don't give your number out just b/c it might make a good blog story.. chile.... LESSON LEARNT!

People will make ASSumptions about why you are single, but you are the one that is single and you are the one living your life, not them, and you are the one that has to be comfortable and embrace it. Don't settle just b/c they think you should.

Scales are the debbil, if you look good, you'll feel good who gives a dayum what the scale says.

Hell hath no fury like an enlarged fibroid pressing on..well you get the point..

One of the highlights for me before my grandmother passed away was she told me how proud of me she was.. so going into 2014, I hope I can continue to make her proud and get off my arse and get this web series into gear! Happy New Year y'all!

Let me know what lessons you learned this year!!

-Until Later..Meik

A Christmas Wish List

Merry Christmas Mofo Chronicles Readers!

I know ya'll are probably saying "Harpo..who dis woman? She don't hardly write no mo'"

I deserve that. My sincerest apologies, but I thank y'all for sticking around and letting me get myself to and gether so that I could have a clear ...ok somewhat clear mind to get back to blogging.

So.. without further ado..here goes nothing.

Christmas time... a time for spending the holidays with your loved ones and celebrating Jesus--after all He is the reason for the season.

This is my first Christmas without my beloved grandmother. While I know in my heart of hearts she wouldn't want me down and out, rocking and sobbing in a corner, she need not worry, because I have to work and I REFUSE to let tears fall there..I'll wait til I get home LOL. But as usual I was thinking of some crazy things that happen during the holidays and it just wouldn't seem like the holidays without em..

Since I like lists..here we go:

5. Those random "Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays" text messages from folks you NEVER hear from any other time of the year, and if you are like me..their number is no longer saved in your phone so you have to play that darn guessing game or you send back the generic "Same to you! How is your fam?" In hopes they will respond with some clue to who they are..but if you are also rude like I can be..you just hit em with the "WHO IS THIS?!" But since it's Christmas..that isn't nice.

4. People forever ranting and raving about people having to work on Christmas. Now, chile look.. you better be glad, doctors, nurses, emergency folks, athletes, and us journalists are working..god forbid you have an accident, get bored and want to watch football or the news?! Let's not forget the folks that don't cook.. let's say amen for the chinese restaurants that will supply us with cooked cat and dog with a side of rice and lo-mein noodles..hallelujahhhhhhhh *bangs tambourine*

3. Who can forget that drunk aunt or uncle that comes over to ruin everybody's Christmas with family secrets revealed.. you just knew there was a reason why you didn't fit in with the fam..now you know whyyyyy LOL

2. The smells of chitterlings or chit'lins as we call it, Glory greens and (I'm about to vomi-gag typing this) and those family members that know dayum hell well they can't cook, yet they volunteer to make the potato salad, mac n cheese, and any other dish they can ruin. Yet, nobody ever tells them the ish sucks..they just chew it up politely..and spit it in their napkin when no one is looking. Yum Yum!

1. Ahhhhh the joys of re-gifting. I KNOW I am not the only one that gets gifts that leave you blinking and wondering WTF am I gonna do with this..ESPECIALLY if you don't have a receipt for it. Besides, shopping in your house saves on gas and money! WIN WIN!


I pray you all have a wonderful holiday! I especially pray for strength for those that have lost someone and experiencing that first Christmas without them. I am right there with y'all.. my strength comes from God and my grandmother's spirit. Besides, I swear I heard her tell me STRAIGHTEN YOUR FACE UP!! LOL.

Merry Christmas y'all.. and I leave you with one of my fav Christmas songs:




-Until Later...

Meik

My 12 Play-My Story

Yo I got 12 things to say.. and 12 ways of saying it...

Do you mind.....if I give you some of myyyyyyyy.......12 Play???

What's up Mofoville?! It's been a long time but I AM BACK! Let's pause and bow our heads and thank God that today is the day the Lord has made, and 20 years ago on November 9, 1993, HE allowed 12 Play to come into our lives. Amen and let's body roll!

Now most of us can remember our first tapes, our first record, album, cd, and digital download purchase.. and there are some albums along the way that just hit you right in your soul and you still jam to it years later. 12 Play is one of those albums. Put aside all the legal drama that R Kelly has gone thru cuz this ain't the purpose of this post, it's a blog to celebrate all the 12 ways a mofo is supposed to love on you and sweat your baby hair out.

Do you recall when you got the 12 Play album Meik?

I'm glad you asked cuz I sho nuff do!

I recall it was a cold day in the mountains of Asheville, and it was a time in my life that cheerleading ruled everything, I ate, breathed, slept, everything cheerleading, so I was only checking for Michael Jackson songs or songs that could work for dance routines and ish at the time. Also at the time there was a well..let's just call him bugaboo that I couldn't seem to shake. He would call my house all the time ( I wish I could recall how he got my number but that's neither here nor there) and he would constantly tell me how much he liked me. He would come to our games and didn't even go to our high school, it got to be a lil much when folks would be like "Ohhhhh you are bugaboo's girl!" jflk;asdjfkl;adjf;klsdj;fjasd;fasdfsdj; <-----curses!! Nawl..Nawl..NAWL. So what it boils down to is I wasn't interested in him, and he had a bad lil habit of lying about everything. So anyway, he calls me up probably a few weeks after the album had already been released and says he has a gift for me. Yeah ok.. I know you lie. This mofo CLAIMS he walked from West Asheville to my part of town to deliver this gift (but I bet he got that arse on the bus cuz it's too cold in the mountains for all that ish) and he knocks on the door. I answer...he hands me a brown paper bag that looks like it's been thru some things and says Merry Christmas..here's your gift. I open the bag and the light shined down on the R Kelly 12 Play album. Thanks dude! But wayment.... wayyyyyyyyment.... The cover is all cracked and dented...the plastic has already been ripped off.. Ummm..... He says oh, that's the way it came. Now mind you I'm in high school at this time and may not be the brightest or the most savvy but dammit I KNOW cd's don't come like this. He mumbles and says he has to go and high tails it out of our yard. I run to my stereo to play it...................cd is scratched to the highest of high.. and I just..............well.. I guess it's the thought that counts..but who gives someone a damaged cd to prove their love or lust probably in this case?!!!! luckily my deddy did something to the cd so I could listen to it without all the skipping n ish.. tho if he knew what Kells was singing about I wonder if he'd let me listen to it? LOL.. Anyway.. Happy Anniversary 12 Play ... some of y'all were probably conceived off this joint.. This song is one of my favs off the album..do you have a fav?


Lesson Learned: Keep body rolling to 12 Play..it's the ish 20 years later.. that's how you define classic music.

Until Later..
-Meik

Reflections on Grandparents Day

What's up Mofoville?!

Happy Grandparents Day! :)

As the days turn into months, the loss of my beloved grandmother has NOT gotten easier..y'all lie :) In just a few days I'll turn 28 again..on 9/11 (shut up...I already know what you guys are thinking..just go with me on this)... and this is the first year that when I go to the mailbox, a birthday card with my grandmother's handwriting and a $5 bill won't be in there. The phone won't ring with her laughing in my ear trying to sing happy birthday, and she won't be waiting by the phone the next day to find out what birthday shennanigans I have managed to get myself into.

If that's not enough to send you down a strawberry limerita well of despair...add in the other ish going on in my life..

Not only am I STILL trying to bounce back from a simple procedure to remove fibroids back in June (that I can't really go into right now)..the hits just keep coming. And if one more mofo'n person asks me WHEN I'm coming back to the plantation I just might snap.

But this blog isn't about the dark tunnel that I am currently in..it is really to just honor Grandparents Day. Hell, I didn't know that existed until today, I celebrate my grandparents everyday.

Granted the past few weeks I have cried my eyeballs out to the point I am walking around with puffy lids simply because I NEED MY GRANDMA RIGHT NOW. She was my strength..the person that could make sense of all things that seemed like the debbil himself crafted it, and she could make me laugh and see that all my fears and frustrations were just silly. Today on Grandparents Day I'm reminded that I still honor her and her advice (as well as ALL of my grandparents) every minute of every day.. what you mean Meik?

You know I love lists right? Well here we go..

1. Clean pannies with no holes-cuz you never know what might happen..and because of this gawdly incision across my abdomen that still doesn't feel too comfy..I am the queen of the granny pannies...unfortunately I forget they are pulled up to the high heavens way above my shorts..imagine having your shirt tucked into your granny pannies standing at the front of a long line in Starbucks. Yep. My life. LOL

2. Carry mace when you go for walks..ok so I have YET to follow this advice, but the good news is..I remember it so that counts for something right?? Tho, a couple of weeks ago I could have used this when I had a stare down with a scraggly dog in the neighborhood..I don't do dogs..atall. Hell I can barely walk right now much less run from the scariness that is Rover.

3. Always say thank you, and show your appreciation. It's always nice to have someone to care something about you. I remember my grandma telling me that about my granddeddy when she was sick...right before she added it was too late for her to start over and find someone new LOL.

4. Sometimes you have to say NO! Don't let people run over you. This proves to be true in every aspect of life..I'll be damned if I let a certain debbil run over me, and don't feel not one ounce of sympathy to the ones that let her do it. I know this one is cryptic, but my grandma knew exactly who I was talking about and this was her advice.

5. When in doubt on how to make some ish..just go to the store in buy it LOL. If you followed my blog on the disappearing cupcakes then this one makes total sense.


I could go on and on but the point is..the advice and lessons you learn from your grandparents are priceless and money can't buy that..so appreciate your grandparents while you still have em, take it from me, it hurts like a mofo and a half when you can't pick up the phone to call them to hear that advice...I am so grateful for the many conversations we had so I can literally apply some of that advice to various situations. I know she'd also be telling me to quit telling her biz on this inna-net LOL..

Bottom line tho..I love my grandparents..all of em. I'm especially blessed to have been able to know my great-grandmothers also.

Do you guys have any advice from your grandparents to share???

-Until Later..
Meik