What's happening Mofo-villians?

Many of you know..or hell don't know.. or even care to know that I had surgery last year to remove some pesky fibroids (uterine fibroids are in and of the debbil and can cause all kinds of drama internally and make your body think you are pregnant among other things..hence my addiction to Ben & Jerry's peanut butter banana fro-yo but nevermind that)

After the surgery.. I suffered from nerve damage in my left leg... for the slow folks nerve damage can consist of numbness, pain, both, weakness in the leg, limited function. Now don't get me wrong, I don't need a wheelchair..or a hoveround.. I can walk. Thank goodness for physical therapy and my determination to not let this beat me. At one point I was dragging my leg, couldn't hardly lift my foot off the ground, and nevermind being able to tell if I nicked my leg shaving unless I saw blood. Due to me having to alter my gait and the way I walked, I then developed bursitis in my hip..oh joy..the hits just keep coming right? Fast forward to a year later.. I can walk but have just a slight limp, sometimes carry a cane when I have to walk long distances, and I can lift my foot/leg a few more inches off the ground than I could before. My hip only hurts on the rare occasion that I do something to make it hurt. (get ya minds out the gutter nassy folks!)But the most annoying part of the nerves waking up and regenerating? The pain. Most of the time, I can tolerate the aching in my leg, but when that ish starts to feel like someone has a knife stuck in my leg or foot.. I have to call on Jesus and all the disciples to help me thru it. My point.. I am dealing with it.

Why are you telling us this Meik?

Good question..hell if I know..maybe to help someone else that's going thru the same type of problem, or maybe to remind myself how far I've come.

When are you getting to the rant Meik?

Oh..here it is..

I am SO tired of hearing "why don't you go out anymore?" "why don't you come to this club or this party?" "you're never going to meet anyone sitting on the couch." ....and on and on.. I say this to say.. I get out and about..but only I can determine what my leg feels like and if I want to waste my gas to drive somewhere only to turn around 10 min later to go back home because standing on it is driving me insane or hell it just flat out hurts. That's not the only reason. I cannot bar hop much less do a soul train line and I refuse to take this cane to the club. Chile bye. I'm shallow at times. I know this. You know this. My self esteem has taken a bit of a hit because once upon a time my pride and joy was my legs, my cheerleader muscle-infused legs, now while nobody else may notice, I know that my leg is not what it used to be and will it ever be? I don't know.. maybe not. I can't wear my heels.. I have been reduced to wearing flats, and in my head sometimes I think nobody is going to want someone with a janky arse leg, not to mention the weight I've gained from the multiple medicines that the doctors are shoving down my throaK--but hell f em. But I am grateful that I do have my legs, and while I may not be able to do the things that I once loved like riding a bike, skating or even twerking on one leg down a soul train line.. I still can walk and get from point A to point B and while it may take me longer these days.. it's better than not being able to at all.

No longer do I ask WHY ME? I interviewed the singer Will Downing once and he told me something very important..he said , you are going thru a test, and you have to learn the lesson from that test, and once you do, then you will pass it. I couldn't figure out what the lesson could possibly be in not having the use of my leg 100%, all I could focus on is not being able to wear my heels, and not being able to pick up the phone to call my grandma to whine, and not finding a man to love me for me in my flats.

Months later it hit me.. the lesson that I learned was this: I never took the time to slow down and really look at people and have empathy for what they go through until now. I always made assumptions and wanted them to hurry up and get out of my way because I had places to be. Now, I understand their struggle. My grandma always told me to focus to on the good and it would make me forget just how bad things are. So I turned my attention to my writing and interview skills and ultimately got in the door at a magazine that I have been sending ish to for months. I was offered a paying blog on a site that I used to write for FOR FREE. See what I mean? I got over the pity party and focused on other things that I needed to develop. Maybe this was God's way of sitting me down to do it. I'm still a work in progress and just because you don't see me out and about much.. gimme time..I'm still working on my self esteem and trying to make these flats go with the outfits that still fit!

Thanks for reading :)

~Meik