I'm Mofo'n Unbreakable --2 Years Later

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Hey Hey Mofos!! I'm back! Grab a chair.. stay awhile..

"You'll never break me, 'cause I'm UNBREAKABLE"--- The late great King of Pop Michael Jackson sang those words in the song UnBreakable and honestly.. after all I've been through over the past two years... I may just be that..UNBREAKABLE.

What you mean Meik?

I'm glad you asked! June 25th is a date that sends me on an emotional roller coaster and not just because of the anniversary of the death of my beloved Michael Jackson. It's also the date when my life changed.

June 25, 2013-- I walked just as normal as I please into CMC Main Hospital to have 8 fibroids removed.. and when I woke up, little did I know I was about to embark on a hellish long yellow brick road to recovery that may never end up at the Wizard's mofo'n doorstep to get whatever it is I needed..hell by the time I get there I will have probably forgotten. For those that are new to my blog or you just need a refresher.. you can catch up on what happened several posts ago here: http://www.themofochronicles.com/2014/07/a-mofon-test-and-lessons-learned.html

Caught up? Good.. let's continue. I lost my grandmother in April 2013--that was the first swing life took at me, and I'll be damned if a couple months later it didn't swing and hit me right in the leg..fast forward to 2015.. I could sit here and rock in a corner, which I had honestly fully absolutely planned to do, bought beer and wine and had my "woe is me kit" ready with a box of tissue.. but then after talking to my granddeddy..the King of Don't Let Life Kick You Down.. I had to rethink some things. So two years later... here it goes..and forgive me if I'm all over the place..this was originally a facebook post gone awry..

Imagine.. being a single person of 20 something years old (U LET ME HAVE THIS..THIS IS MY STORY!) and waking up after what you think is a normal routine fibroid surgery.. and not being able to feel your leg.. move your leg.. and it just keeps getting weaker and weaker and no one can tell you what happened?? why it happened? how it happened? While the doctor is shoving the blame on you and then you feel like you don't really have someone to lean on--well that's what I thought I was..but CHILE.. I have to say..without God, I don't know how I could have even started to take the first steps to figuring out how to deal with not being able to use my darn leg. I have to say I relied heavily on my family and the few friends I let in--because it's hard when you are going thru something that nobody else understands. I could sit here all day and tell you I CANNOT FEEL MY LEG--I CANNOT LIFT MY LEG ..I CANT WALK NORMALLY and unless you have been thru it.. then I think it's hard to get. So I thank them for pretending they got it and listening and not trying to shove unsolicited advice on what I should do down my throat --they knew I wasn't gonna listen..LOL
Thank you to those that call, text, fb, tweet, or whatever to check in on lil ole me. I appreciate it a lot. I have to say my fam and friends are the best..not being embarrassed to be seen with me (hell if u were u didn't say anything so thank u for that), waiting for me and walking slow to get to wherever we were going and not complaining, holding my cane so I could try to be cute in front of a ole sessy dude and get ignored, and not saying DAMN YOU GOT FAT! (that one meant A LOT!!) And just encouraging me to keep a positive 'tude and to keep pushing and allowing me to just deal with this in MY way and not yours. :)

One other thing that got me thru.. listening to MJ-- as my leg kept getting weaker... my self esteem plummeted and my weight ballooned so I listened to "P.Y.T" on repeat to remind myself that I'm still a pretty young thing..now that ish didn't really work, but I do love the song. "Beat It" gave me the fiyahhhhh I needed under my arse to beat this plexopathy (I couldn't spell the other word that goes along with this condition but hell u get the point LOL) and "Unbreakable" because what I was NOT about to do was let this thing break me. So I pushed.. pushed.. never gave up.. when one doctor told me nothing was wrong I went to another..and another and another.. lemme tell you what.. DO NOT LET SOMEONE TELL YOU NOTHING IS WRONG WHEN U KNOW UR BODY IS OUT OF SORTS.. I'm glad I didn't give up -- I went to physical therapy to work on my gait, I got my arse in the pool to work on my leg strength, and I may have had to go out of town for my neurologist..but dammit.. this man got me to a point where I no longer needed to carry a cane. For that he gets ALLLLLLLL the love! There were days when I shut myself off from folks..didn't wanna talk or I just didn't want to pretend that things were okay so "Leave Me Alone" became my anthem as I snuggled with my peanut butter M&M's and Starbucks..but I had to remind myself sometimes that "You are Not Alone."

I'm not going to lie.. I'm human..and "Scream" is another song that stayed on repeat and still does..shoot there are days that I cried and still cry, scream, and ask God, my leg, the nerves in my leg, and back to God, hysterically screaming for my grandma to come back and help me thru this, then the doctors WHYYYYYYYYY? Nothing is more frustrating than thinking you are making some strides towards getting better only to end up with jacked up tendons from limmping for so long so now you're stuck in a boot that's too dayum big that makes the most obnoxious noises so you can't even spy on folks. Can't sneak up on NOBODAAAYYYY. I listen to "Human Nature" and "Man in the Mirror" a lot because I don't understand how people can be so cruel sometimes. I have dealt with folks that I thought were friends that made fun of me when they thought I wasn't around, imitated how I was walking when I could barely walk thinking it was funny, making up nicknames, (chile middle school ish), and even those I passed in the hallways/aisles/parking lots that couldn't respond to a friendly smile and hello, instead they stared at my cane, my leg and JUDGED. Dammit now I'm crying writing this. *fights air* While I may make jokes.. it's kinda like my family.. I can talk about em but nobody else betta say one dayum word--unless you know me well enough to know WHEN to joke and HOW. Most times I'm just offended by some of the remarks that have been made, or I just don't respond because honestly I don't know how without cursing a mofo out. Even the weight comments had me not wanting to leave the house except for work, grocery store, etc.. but bishhhhhhh I can walk now so I'm all over the place limping or dragging this boot along.. I am tryin to get my social groove back--ok when my leg cooperates but I'm no longer using it as an excuse! Who knows, maybe I'll *gasp* start dating again. Jeezus. Shoot if MJ can get on stage and do an entire hellified performance sitting in a chair on the Soul Train Awards cuz of a hurt ankle, I can get my arse out the house and do what I gotta do. NO EXCUSES.

So now that I've gone all around the world and back the main point I wanted to make is this.. life throws you curve balls that hit you dead in your dayum face or the throaK.. it's all about how you decide to hit back.. you can be "Bad" and "Keep the Faith" or you can sit in a corner and "Scream" -- I chose to keep "Lookin Thru the Window" and look ahead to the future..in my Sophia from the Color Purple voice "I know dey is a Gawd and I will walk again in these heels!!" 2 years later.. I can walk better than I could last year at this time.. I can lift my leg a little higher, I even see a lil muscle definition returning to my thigh, calf muscle still numb as hell, and there are days my entire leg/foot says f it and decides to blank out and become numb..or decides to remind me it's still recovering with a few love shocks known as nerve pain.. but hey, I take what I can-- small victories mean a lot in this case. I'm even rockin baby wedges..when I couldn't even THINK of anything more than flats or sneakers last year.. the journey continues..this is my new normal for NOW and it's "Another Part of Me" and you know, one thing is for sure, I have found that I am stronger...and definitely unbreakable. My grandma's words ring true.. "It sure feels nice to know when someone cares something about cha." Indeed Grandma..Indeed.. I see exactly what you mean.

Lesson learned: Never give up on YOU! That is all.

Now I gotta go blast some Michael Jackson and moonwalk --okay..shuffle around the room like I'm moonwalking..SAME THING DON'T U JUDGE ME! :)

-Until Later..


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