It's so hard to say goodbye

Monday, April 22, 2013

If you follow me on Twitter, then you already know..the worst possible thing I could ever imagine happened.. my grandmother passed away on 4/19.

If you've followed my blogs, then you already know she was an instrumental part of my life. She was more than my grandmother, she was my best friend, role model, teacher, and hype woman. So I wanted to just do a blog like letter to her so bear with me.

Dear Grandma Sue,

It seems just like yesterday that I was begging you to let me taste your cup of coffee and you instead compromised and let me drink my hot chocolate out of a coffee mug. It seems like yesterday that you would do my hair while I sat in that little yellow chair and screamed for anyone to help me cuz I hated getting my hair combed. I remember dragging all of the books off the bookshelf wanting you to read to me, and when you were too busy I'd just sit in that little yellow chair and attempt to read it myself. I remember all of the trips we took to visit my aunt at Gardner Webb and how I would tell you that I'm going to college one day. I recall dragging every last barbie doll I owned to your house so the neighbor could come over to play (if you only knew how I plotted and planned just to be able to come to spend the night at your house you would laugh), I also recall you introducing me to Sunday School. Oh how I loved learning about the Bible and feeling so proud of my deaconess grandmother and deacon grandfather. I recall how you would always stick up for me when my aunt would torture me with her evil ways. Yet you would just shake your head and laugh at me, everyday at 3pm I'd be right there in the door waiting on my aunt to get off the bus to come and play, knowing she was just going to be mean and tell me to get on somewhere. You let me learn on my own instead of babying me. It only took 50 tries of the same thing day after day before I understood..she did not want to be bothered with a 5 year old lol.

I remember showing you everything I learned at cheerleading practice and you would say good job. When I was sick, you were there to heal me, when I was playing sick, you just went along with it and pretended to heal me. I loved our grocery store trips, and the many trips to Mills River to visit other family. I loved watching All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital with you, so much I ended up scheduling my college courses around them (shhhh I don't think you knew that part.)

Grandma you were there for many pivotal moments in my life, such as graduating from high school, graduating from college, getting my masters degree and when I got baptised just to name a few. You were there to help me pick up the pieces of my heart after a few failed relationships. You showed me what it means to be a strong God fearing woman that doesn't take any mess from anyone. Every single birthday, without fail, you always remembered to send a birthday card, with $5 in it, I looked forward to those cards every year.
You even became my ride or die chick.. my hype man, telling me what I need to tell folks that were messing with me at work or wherever, and I loved hearing you say, "You tell them I ain't doing it!" -Lawd how many times I probably could have been fired over that line alone LOL..

Over the years, we became closer, and talking on the phone at least once a week. The past few weeks, the frequency was more like 3-4 times a week. I looked forward to our chats, even if we had nothing to talk about, we would still manage to talk for at least an hour. I'd call you while I'd wander around Target and hear you laugh everytime I ended up at Starbucks ordering a frappuccino, or even just going on my morning walks I'd call you so it was just like you were walking with me for that 2 miles.

The advice you gave me was priceless, from the don't get your hair done when you're sick lecture, to the you need to wear an undershirt between October and May convo, to even the try to put your mind off of the bad things and think of good things only reminder. I will never forget any of it.

I'm so glad that I got to see you a week before you passed away, and hug you and let you know that I'm here as you were experiencing health issues. I'm so glad that every day that you were in the hospital I let you know that I loved you with all of my heart. I just wasn't expecting you to leave so soon, especially since I was coming to see you the next day, but when I got the call that you were gone, my entire world just shattered.. in one quick moment. Right now, I don't possibly see how this hurt can ever go away, and I wish you were still here waiting on my phone call so we can catch up on church gossip, talk about recipes, and discuss Michelle Obama's latest outfit. I wish I could hear your voice one more time. I'll always remember you telling me last month that you were proud of me. That made me feel like I wasn't the complete failure I thought I was professionally and in my personal life. I'm so glad that I was able to really make you proud of me and didn't make quite the mess of my life that I thought I did. I promise I won't be a "spinster" forever like you used to say and I will not become a golden girl living with my sister in a house in Florida with tons of cats lol. I'll remember that you told me it's okay to be picky because these men these days don't want anything but for someone to do everything for them. AMEN GRANDMA AMEN. I just pray that I can find someone like my grandfather and have a long healthy marriage like the two of you had, but I have to find someone I want to be bothered with for 62 minutes, let alone 62 years. :)

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, sniffin and snotting and can hear you telling me to stop all this crying. Heaven has a new angel and I know you are reunited with your mom, and dad and siblings now. I believe that you are my guardian angel now and I'm sure you'll be in my ear as you always were, telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I refuse to say goodbye, so instead I'll just talk to you later, like I always told you on the phone.

I love you grandma and will remember everything you taught me, after all you raised me to be the person that I am today, smart mouth, sarcasm and all :)

Love Always,
Your Shameika

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  1. Beautiful and heartfelt post, Meik. Again, so so sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences. Please know my thoughts are with you right now.

  2. What an incredible woman!!

  3. Thank you guys for reading. It is a lil all over the place as I wrote and remembered stuff then it became rambling. It helped me get out some of what I was remembering as I sit here staring at the wall.

  4. Nice reading that brought back memories of my Grandma Condolences again and thank God for memories.

  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. Nice reading that brought back memories of my Grandma Condolences again and thank God for memories.

  7. It's beautiful. I loved reading stories about your grandma. I bet now she'll send that prince charming on his way to you ;)

  8. Christie I sure hope she does that and sends me my dream job.. we always talked a lot about both.. :)

  9. Very nice! She will always be with you.

  10. Ohh gahhhh....that was a tear jerker!! Your grandmother sounded AHHHMAZING and you both were blessed to have each other...not a lot of people have this type of relationship in their lives!! I understand loss, you just have to hold onto the memories now...and you can always talk to her, she's def listening :) xoxo

  11. Thank you guys for reading and for your condolences.


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