A Tongue Tale

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

What up fam?
First I have to shout out all my fellow Virgos! Happy Birthday to us!

With that being said, I decided to kick off my birthday celebration a lil early.. (fyi my bday is 9/11 and I am accepting gifts all month lol but I digress..)
So, my sister and a couple of friends decided to hang out and get our party on, and we had a blast..see ladies, you can have fun without going out hunting for men (but that's a whole nother blog)..

Now.. if you follow me on twitter then you already know that there was some strange goings on at this party we hit up. Imma hit the highlights before I get to the main event so hold on cuz this is gonna go fast..

1. Men at ANY age (straight ones that is) SHANT be booty-popping and scrubbing the ground when a Luke song comes on. I'm still distraught after being tipsy watching 30 year old grown men do this ish, and what's more disturbing is the mofos surrounding them watching them in a circle.

2. Men with skinny jeans tucked into boots. that's all Imma say..but I was bout to ask one dude where the hell he got his jeans from cuz them thangs was too cute.. (dont judge me)

3. Just cuz it comes in your size ladies, don't mean you should wear it...and it certainly doesn't mean you should be bending over touching ya toes in it.. that's all Imma say on that topic too.

4. There is a mofo running round Charlotte looking like Pooch Hall's lil brother (see the twit pic on twitter or my facebook page..heck find him and add him as a friend with his lil cute self)..AND I saw a 50 Tyson look alike too..what are the odds? mmmmk.

5. Men wear capri pants now? with sebago's? remember those? LOL. lawwwd jeeezus..I used to LOVE those shoes back in middle school.. blink. blink. blink. key word: MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Anyway.. after all this and my belt dying a painful death (don't ask me what happened cuz I still don't know LOL)..I closed out the night by getting on the microphone and wishing myself a happy birthday and giving Michael Jackson a well deserved shout out and a RIP with L-O-V-E.. I don't remember who the f said it but I do recall a "MJ BEEN DEAD." ....I knew it was time for me to exit the building before I went Joe Jackson on a mofo.. but anyway.. so outside we go..

As we are all fawning over the Pooch Hall aka Derwin Davis from the TV show The Game look alike and snapping pics like he's famous and ish.. some crackheadish looking mofo slinks up or maybe he fell out the sky ..I don't know, but he is schmall and black as hell with a ring of crust around his mouth holding a Blue Ribbon beer..(fab visual huh?).. and who let him wander around the parking lot with an open container? *shrug*

I don't recall much of the convo..cuz like I said I was on my bday celebration flow, but I do remember the following..

Him: hehehehe ya'll lookin good enough to eat around cheaaaaaa
Us: **crickets**
My fool sister: hey sir..blah blah blah blah (idk what she said)
Him: I'm tryin to roll with ya'll hehehehe schlurp (sip of the blue ribbon)
Me: mmmk.. that's nice..welllllp we bout to head out.. it was nice meeting you..

***now see..this is when I shoulda just shut the f up and minded my own biznass cuz he wasn't checking for me***

He turns to me all glassy-eyed..eyeballing me and ish, and so I roll my eyes and start talking to someone beside me..the next thing that happens..ya'll ain't ready for..

are you?

are you sure??

lemme give you a visual first of what I have on: a romper and stilettos..legs all shined up and purty.. lol..


Him: ooooohhhhh weeeeeeee (as he circles me like I'm a plate of hot wings or some ish)
I just laugh and keep on talking..but out the corner of my eye I see that he is on the ground kinda behind me..and mind you..NONE of these heffas I'm with have said ish cuz they can see exactly what is going on or about to go down..

I hear him talkin to himself saying something about..he wanna see if it taste like ketchup...



oh gawd, im dry heaving.

Now again, I'm tipsy..so it takes me a minute to realize wtf just happened...

And all my sister and friends can do is hee haw.. sooooo I screeech and run to hide behind my sister.. and this mofo comes running after me.. we are playing musical hide behind the people in the parking lot and he's going on and on about how he gotta get them leftovers on the other side..


So long story short.. the only way I got this mofo off my legs is to tell him my boyfriend was coming and he'd whoop his azz..

Now I ask you.. is this what hollaring at chicks has come to? Licking on folkz to get attention? and why I gotta maybe taste like KETCHUP? that's that bullshittah...

Don't you worry.. when I got home.. I pulled out the peroxide, alcohol, bleach..everythang..cuz I don't know WHERE his ratchet mofo tongue had been and I was convinced my leg was bout to rot off.

Some of you wonder where I meet mofos.. well as you see.. I don't have to go out of my way.. THEY EXIST EVERYWHERE. Just pay attention..you run into them too.

Lesson Learned: Work on my reflexes while drinking..I coulda kicked my leg back and got him right in the throat with the 4 inch heel. Besides.. who licks on folkz they don't know? Fam..keep ya tongue to yourself. Thank you. And if my sister calls me KETCHUP one mo time..im putting her up for adoption. that is all.

Until Later..

You Might Also Like


  1. Wooooooow! I'm so sorry. Men shouldn't act that way. I'm THE number one leg man, and even I would lick strange legs no matter how tastey they may actually look. Now, later on when I've got to know those legs a little bit better, then maybe they'll get some "Hey-Mr.Owl-how-many-licks-does-it-take-to-get-to-the-creamy-center-of-the-tootsie-pop?Lets-find-out" action.

    I'm not a violent or aggressive person like that, but if I saw that, I think I would have to put my hands around dude's throat for that. I'm glad I wasn't there.

  2. Oops! That should have read "I'm THE number one leg man and even I WOULDN'T lick strange legs no matter how tastey they may actually look."

  3. Not botty poppin when Luke comes on!!!! LMBO! Hope your birthday month is GREAT!


Mofo Favs

Mofo Followers