A Mofo Pain in my Azz

Monday, August 23, 2010

What's up Fam? (Oh damn.. I said it again, just a couple days after a mofo told me that my blog openings are lame and repetitive. piss on it all. eh well he can kick rocks and quit reading if that's his issue..that's a whole nother blog..let's proceed shall we?)

I was sitting here thinking about how my freaking lower back hurts like hell..then I remembered how the heck it got injured to begin with..

Stroll with me down memory lane to 2007.. blue skies, birds chirping, eh..you get the point..

So .. this particular sunny morning.. one of my friend boys had a lil too much to drink and had to spend the night.. well, he came upstairs to wake me up so that I could lock my door when he left..kool right? Well..this me we talkin bout..and the simplest thing just aint even gonna go like you think it is.

Now lemme set this up for you. he is already at the door.. I am still half asleep, eyes halfway closed, and I have on cute lil pink boxer shorts...and a tank and these socks (ankle socks are what I think they are called..but they aren't like my usual nike ones..and don't stay up like they should)...ok..got your visual..

I don't think you are ready for this.

Are you?

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

I take one step.

Another step.


lawd jeezus..all I can do is hope my friend is outside.. and I can't even get a scream out..all I can do is reach out for the bannister..and as I'm trying to control myself on the bumpiest ride everrrrr..

This mofo gonna say.."Did you drop something?"

(in my head cuz I'm still bumping and bouncing down the got dayum stairs: YES MOFO I DROPPED MY DAYUM SELF AND I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP JACKASS!)

As I continue my tortured slip and slide down the stairs.. my tailbone and lower back hit every single stair on the way down..my arms decided they couldn't possibly get left out..so I scraped those up..and knocked my f'in bad knee straight into the wall.. (now..if you watched the reality show I was on that same year (CMT's I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER AGAIN)..THAT IS WHY i had that f'in knee brace on..my knee was f'd from the Ghost of Karma pushing me down the stairs!)

Now.. I KNOW there wasn't this many steps in this f'in townhouse the day before..

FINALLY.. JEEEEZUSSSSS finally said ENUFF and Meik finally came to a halting stop..


I KNOW this mofo didn't just snicker and he didn't ask me if I was dead yet?!! I can't move..speak..let alone breathe..and I'm bleeding..

FINALLY..mofo peeks around the corner and says.. "OHHHHH DAYUMMMMMM Are you OK??"

I just lay there staring at the ceiling..willing the tears to come.. (and of course they wouldn't only because I'm too proud to cry in front of a mofo..so Imma take this ish like a woman and get up)..

So..I manage to sit up..and tell him to get the hell out and leave me be so I can die alone..

Being the good friend boy he is..he listened..soon as I heard the door close..and his car start up.. ya girl was crying...I'm sure I just laid on the stairs for almost an hour..

Needless to say I went to the doctor since I had both my carpet burned arms covered in band aids like I took a Michael Jackson fad to the f'in extreme, an azz that hurt like hell with shooting pains going up it..and a swollen knee.. only to find out.. The doctor and nurse both thought I lived in an abusive home.




I wish a mofo would be abusing me..I'd be in jail rather than the dayum doctor's office.

Uhhhh..the only person abusing me is this Ghost that I'm convinced lives here..

Lesson Learned: I could probably work as a stunt woman. I'm gangsta with it. LOL.. The good news is.. I wasn't seriously hurt..but these aches and pains are a reminder that I should put my f'in shoes on next time.

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  1. Sorry to burst your bubble...It wasn't a ghost...It was me...sorry..lmao

  2. I'm assuming this happened AFTER my wedding..I dont remember having a bruised and battered bridesmaid ;) Sorry to laugh at your pain but this had me cracking up...

  3. This one is the best so far..

    Too funny!

  4. DANG U SHALONDA!!! u sneaky snake u!

    I AM.. yes it was in July LMAO.

  5. socks in the home should be outlawed!...I can't tell you how many times my kid has slipped haulin ass on hardwood flooring! Get you some grip socks....or rather yet..these latest inventions...--> http://blog.blueion.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/feet.JPG


  6. This is too funny...got me giggling and cant stop! This made my Monday! Reminds me of all the times Ive been humiliated tripping up and down the stairs both!! But reminds me of the time my ex actually DID push me down the stairs and broke my wrist...the doctors never even asked if I was being abused! So dont feel bad, it could go either way!!

  7. I have a friend in Charlotte that have the best hands on earth. Look her up on facebook Janelle Barnette (http://www.facebook.com/janellebarnette). She'll massage that back pain away. She works at Varji Varji Salon & Spa at Southpark and Massage Envy Spa at University

  8. Also thanks for the little pink boxer description, leg men around the world thank you. LOL!

  9. Framesbond Approves!


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