Hey Mofos! 

I hate fibroids and every single thing they stand for. Whew, I had to get that off my chest. I'm a couple weeks away from throwing the entire uterus away aka a hysterectomy. Transparency time: I'm nervous, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm anxious, I'm all the things, but at the same time I'm excited to have some relief. These damn things literally have mimicked what I assume pregnancy feels like-- cravings, sweats, back pain, and an enlarged uterus. The first go around my cravings were all about the Ben & Jerry's banana and peanut butter ice cream (gaaaag--I can't even look at that ish now). I would literally buy a container every single night after work and inhale it like nobody's business with a bag of M&M's. Not the lil packet, the BIG BAG. But this time, I've craved pickles, Pringles (the amount of cans I have in my cabinet is absolutely disrespectful), and debbie cakes--swiss cake rolls if you're being nosy. My acid reflux is outta control and well, I have to pee every two seconds since one is pressing on my bladder. The first time around my cycle completely stopped, this time around it's a crime scene every time it comes around, and clothes and anything else in its path gets ruined. 

But aside from the blood bath, experiencing the joys of pregnancy without ever being able to have a child--woooooooo. This is just MY experience, I'm sure you all have your own to share if you have experienced fibroids. Do I want kids? I've been asked this many times and the dream I had was to have the husband, have a kid, and a white picket fence. Instead, something went wrong somewhere and I got none of that but 20+ fibroids and heartache. BUT, what I did learn was because my ovaries will be left, I can still retrieve my eggs and have that dream.. so BRING YOUR ASS HUSBAND! Adoption is an option and I would even be okay with being a great step mom. I really really realllllllly just want a husband and to be married but that's another blog.

Back to the broids... 

I wanted to share something I learned from my EFT Tapping session as we tapped about my anxiety over the hysterectomy. 

Each fibroid to me represents another heartbreak, trauma, pain from some form of rejection. It's just how my body decided to manifest that trauma. From growing up around domestic violence and drugs/alcoholism, to being cheated on by who I thought was the love of my life (and watching him go off and have kids after he claimed he never wanted em.. he just didn't want them with ME), to being raped by a washed up athlete with a gold tooth, to career rejection and being knocked down more times than I can count, and every crush that rejected me, every situation that didn't work out, and the toothless mofo that ghosted me (I know..y'all want that story and I'll give it to you cuz baaaaabbaaaayyyyyyy when the self esteem is low..the things you will do LOL)-- but basically alllllll of these things and more.. I got a new fibroid or cyst after every bit of pain I experienced. My fibroids came back with a vengeance after I left TV News and started up a situationship with someone that had no business even being in my space. He broke me in ways that I let happen and next thing you know the doctor is telling me I have 2 cysts and all these fibroids, severe anemia, and need iron infusions. As each strand of hair fell out and my body grew bigger, I literally had to to pull myself up and outta that situation and get my self-esteem back on track so I could deal with these broids and the aftermath head on. 

If you've followed my journey, you know I've already tried to shrink them by changing my diet, exercise, 2 surgeries, and frankly, I'm tired, and uncomfortable. The only option for ME is to throw the whole uterus away. 

Tapping thru this made me realize, this hysterectomy is about getting rid of all this pain and heartache. Getting rid of all the mofos and the pain they inflicted on me..all the rejection. I'm reclaiming MY body back, I'm reclaiming ME back. I will be wearing a mofo'n crop top soon as my stomach deflates back to the size it's supposed to be without the broids.  Tapping helped me realize that I'm now able to make room and space to allow true love to flow in and to finally allow myself to see my full complete and whole self. I thank my uterus for being that protector that didn't allow me to get pregnant by any of these mofos , and I thank my uterus for taking on the trauma that I didn't know what else to do with or how to handle it. But, I'm okay now. I got it from here. 

I'm totally rambling and freestyling this blog so hopefully it helps you if you are dealing with this. I'll be posting about my hysterectomy, because after all, I'm a writer that loves to share what I'm going through in case it helps others. 

Stay tuned... 

~Meik