Stealing Off the Wall

Sunday, March 10, 2013

No I'm not talking about MJ's "Off the Wall" Album even tho that is my ISH! *two steps around the room*

Have you ever had the beejeezus scared out of you?

What happened Meik?

Lawd I'm so glad you asked.

Stroll with me down memory lane, back to the Spring of 2011...

It was clear dark night, a clear white moon..Warren G was on the....sorry had a Regulate flashback there..but well you get the point. I had just left doing a guest hosting gig on my friend's radio show and it was already dark outside and I realized, I needed to stop and get some gas for Off the Wall.. (That was my vw's name at the time)before I end up walking.

Now..lemme give you a little history on Off the Wall.. it was a passat.. that had a lot of lil quirks. For example, sometimes the mofo wouldn't start, UNLESS you press the gas, the brake and turn the key.. sometimes it wouldn't start if you cut the car off, pump gas, then start the car again. Everytime I took that dayum thing to the dealership, they couldn't find anything see.. VW's twerk team dance on my nerves..but anyway.. you get the point right?

So I stop at the Shell station near my house, get out, car still running and pumping the gas.. I had the window cracked, and my purse, and cell phone were inside.

I turn around to see how much gas I've put in so far and I'm leaning on my car..when I feel it move.. like someone just sat in it.


*slow blink*

I turn around slowly.. and am thinking hell no no no no!

Yep.. a white man is sitting his arse in the drivers seat.. with a brown paper bag turned up.. bout to take the f off IN MY MOFO'N CAR!!! *faints*

Mind you.. there are several people at the gas station.. I start screaming, beating on the car door, the hood, thru the window.. and trying to open the door.. NOT ONE PERSON CAME TO HELP ME.

I kept screaming "GET OUT OF MY CAR I WILL CALL THE POLICE" *as I'm thinking please don't notice that I don't have my phone that it's sitting underneath his brown paper bag* lawd my nerves..

He blank stares at me and rolls down the window and says....

"Well, where is my car?"

blink.. blink...blink.. NINJA WHAT?

I get a whiff of what smells like the 40,000 years of funk that MJ spoke on in Thriller..and I realize this man is drunk out of his mofo'n mind. a drunk driver is gonna steal Off the Wall..and probably drive off and...well... back to the story..

So I tell him again more firmly and less hysterical to remove his arse out of my car or else.

He keeps repeating that he doesn't know where his car is and this is his car.

Short of me jumping up and down and screaming obscenities..I'm terrified and don't know what else to do.. the cashier just keeps looking out the window and the people around me aren't helping no matter how many times I yell HELP! jerks.

Finally, he opens the car door and gets out, slowly. He says, oh wait, this ain't my car. Mine is over there and points to a 1980-something Buick that is not EVEN the same color as my beloved Off the Wall. My car was a funky blue-ish gray ..his was gray rust.

He staggers over to his car.. and I get into mine hyperventilating and trying to call my parents.

Then I hear a horn honk and I look up.. this fool is sitting beside me in his car motioning for me to roll the window down.


I crack the window..he says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I am sooooo sorry" in his drunken drawl.

I just said "Sir, it is best if you take your arse on, before I call the cops".. He just kept sitting there flinging apologies left and right and I drove off..shaking.. shocked I didn't piss on myself.

Lesson Learned: Turn that damn car off and take the keys out and lock the doors when getting gas and get rid of Off the Wall's ree ree arse (oh wait..I already did)..and NEVERRRR buy another VW! But the biggest thing.. I rarely stop for gas now when it's dark because of that one incident. Always better to be safe than sorry! :) and luckily I have a car that doesn't have crazy quirks now YAY THRILLER! :)

Have you ever had something crazy like this happen to you?

~Until Later..

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