The Boo Boo Bandit

Thursday, January 19, 2012

What's up Fam? I have decided to try something new.. and allow guest bloggers..


Yes, you heard me right.. I'm finding out that others have MOFO stories they want to share, and frankly, I don't have the time to write THEIR stories for them, so why not just let these folks tell their own stories? Geez Meik..that's so smart.. ooooh I know.

So I'll stop rambling for now and let you enjoy the first installment.. I warn you.. this ish is HEE-LARIOUS! and of course.. my comments are sprinkled throughout.. LOL..

Guest Blogger: Gangsta Princess

Hell dates don’t really happen? At least that’s what I used to think, until I actually went on one myself.

It was Summer 2011, one of my homeboys from out of town was in town for the weekend, so why not have a party? In traditional house-party fashion, someone had to make a beer run, so 2 of my boys, one of my best friends, and myself decided to make the run to the store. We decide to go to the gas station that is literally 1 minute away from the house. Run in, run out, no problems!

There are two lines at the gas station, I get in one line, and my girl gets in the other line. I finish up before her, and as I’m about to exit the store she yells, “This man just said that he thinks you are beautiful.” So I turn around to see who said this, and it’s the cashier. So of course, I say thanks, shoot him a smile, and proceed to exit out of the store. When my friend makes it to the car, she has his name and phone number written on the back of a receipt, and tells me I should call him.

Shallow is thy name at times, and I completely understand that is wrong, but hell, he works at a gas station, I’m not feeling that. So my friends give me the lecture of “don’t judge him yet, it could be his part-time job, you never know, give him a chance..blah, blah.” We all know that alcoholic beverages give us liquid coverage, so I decided I would go ahead and give him a call and play with his mind. I call him up, we chit chat, he asks if he can take me out to dinner sometime, I say okay, we ended the conversation.

((Meik's comment: Now YOU know this aint finna go well atall.. playing with someone's mind = some munked up mess.. but do what you do boo))

Next day, he called me and we had the opportunity to talk more and I had a sober mind to ask the important questions, and instead of going with my gut feeling, I go with what my friends said, “be open.” He tells me he is 23 (too young), has 2 jobs and the gas station is his part-time (okay friends were right about the part-time gig), has a college degree (plus), has a car (plus), and has an apartment and lives down the street from me (double plus). So we make plans to have dinner the following day.
So far, so good, right?

Originally he was going to cook me dinner, but got delayed, so decided upon going out to dinner somewhere. We decided I would meet him at his place cuz I didn’t want him knowing where I lived, and we’d just ride together to the restaurant. I opted to drive b/c I like to have control over the situation, if I’m ready to go I can leave, and if you are crazy I can leave you.

((Meik's comment: PAUSE. why couldn't his arse just meet you at the restaurant? I'm betting that this is a situation that you FINTA regret.. but lemme keep reading..))

Called him up, let him know I was outside, he gets in the car, and things got confusing immediately….
He has on shorts and support socks/hose that come all the way up, sneakers, and a plaid shirt. Totally confused on the compression socks, clueless as to why he doesn’t have jeans on instead, and also taking into consideration how confused others will be as well. So I say “I’m not really that hungry, so we can just go to Applebees.” Why did I pick Applebees??? Because nobody hardly ever goes to that joint!! Lol

((Meik's comment: blink. blink. blink. Com-who-socks? FUH WHAT? and I woulda left his arse right there at his house and went the hell on somewhere errrr I like Applebee's.. but I digress.. ))

We get to Applebees, and the waitress offers a table with stools, I say cool, he says no I need a booth. I ask WHY, he says “I’ll tell you at the table.” Really confused at this point because I didn’t know it was a huge ordeal about seating arrangements. But okay, we sit down and order, I get water and a $7 salad. He orders a steak, sprite and sweet tea, which totals about $25 (these prices are important). After ordering the food, I have to steer the convo back to why we had to sit in a booth. He then explains that he has severe diabetes and has to give himself insulin multiple times a day, and just recently got out of the hospital for knee swelling and fluid on his knees. So this of course explains the compression/surgical socks, or whatever. Of course at this point, I do feel bad for judging his outfit choice, and sympathize with his health issues, so everything is explained and should go well from this point forward…until…..

((Meik's comment: wayment..I get the mofo has issues..but he couldn't cover them joints up.. throw on some sweats, jeans, long johns..SOMETHING????))

The check comes!! He pulls out his credit card and asked me if I wanted to split it 50/50…I flat out said NO, however I have no problem leaving a tip…but seriously? Did I eat a steak? Did I even have a soft drink? Hell NO I am not paying half of anything! So he looks at me like I was speaking a foreign language, and reluctantly paid for the meal.

((Meik's comment: blink. blink. blink. now forgive me if I'm missing something..but didn't he ASK YOU out? AND you drove?! *blank stare* ))

Needless to say, the next stop is to drop his cheap butt off at home. So on the way to his house, he tells me he enjoys hanging out with me, and would love to watch a movie. All signs have already pointed that I don’t need to be bothered, but I say, ok, sure we can watch a movie.

Let me explain that his apartment is basically a college campus based type of apartment where there are 4 bedrooms that each have their own bathrooms, and the roommates all share the common areas (laundry area, kitchen, and living room). No television in the living room, so we had to watch the movie in his room….he opens the door, to disorganization, and a messy room (just as I thought).

I sit on his bed to watch his 15-inch flat screen TV that I can barely see, he hands me the remote, and excuses himself to the restroom. I take this opportunity to text and tweet my friends to let them know that I am not sure if I can trust their judgment ever again and our friendships will be reevaluated, lol. As I’m tweeting and texting, I finally notice that not only has time flown by, but I’ve heard a numerous amount of flushes, water running, a fan on blast, and interval sprays of air freshener being doused in the air.

((Meik's comment: *sniggle*))

I then realized that about 15 minutes have elapsed, and this fool is still in the restroom. This mission needs to be aborted ASAP. So I start planning my escape, and as I’m about to collect my keys and my purse, I get a text message.... live from the bathroom, from this fool, and it says “I am sooo sorry, I am just going to be a few more minutes, this is taking longer than I expected.”

((Meik's comment: *sniggle harder*))

Oh.Wow. Welllp.. against my better judgment yet again, I wait for him to come out…After about 10 more minutes, he finally emerges from the bathroom spraying behind him, and apologizing. Earlier at dinner I had offered some hand sanitizer to him b/c I am all about clean hands, and he had declined, which is gross. But when this man left the bathroom, he then says “Hey, do you still have that hand sanitizer…umm…can I get some please?”

((Meik's comment: But.....*raises hand* umm... nevermind just.....))

Soooooo you mean to tell me, that this nasty grown man just had a massive bowel movement and does not have any soap to wash his nasty hands???? Thoroughly disgusted!!!!!!! But I do share my hand sanitizer cuz if he tries to give me a goodbye hug I do not want boo-boo residue on me!!

Now the plot to vacate the scene is on ten times more. We watch TV for about 10 minutes, and I say “I completely forgot I am working overtime tomorrow…I need to head home and wind down so I can be ready to get up at 5am,” (it was about 7pm at this time). He looks at me in disbelief but goes along with the story, and tells me I can stay a few more minutes, so I oblige, unfortunately. About 5 more minutes pass, and he then says, “So what time are you leaving, because I have to go back to the bathroom, and I’m afraid that I am going to be a lot longer this time.”

That is all the information I need sir, I’m going home NOW! I tell him goodbye, he rushes me out the door, and I jet to the car to call my friends to give them hell!!!! 30 minutes later, after his second diarrhea session, I receive a text saying he had a great time, and can’t wait to hang-out with me again. Were we on the same date?

He tried aggressively for a few weeks to score a second date, and I avoided him like the plague because I could not believe his actions from the first date…that ish was just beyond disgusting. I understand we all have to go when nature calls, but at least be discrete about the situation!! This dude’s name starts with a B and I so lovingly like to remember him as Boo Boo B….

Moral of the story, Immodium AD might be something that everybody need to keep in their wallets, and NEVER run out of soap at your house, cuz you never know when you might need both!

Jeeeezus take this wheel because THIS was pure d-dayum comedy..
Lesson learned: if you have bubble guts.. cut the date shawt and be done with it.. ain't no point in trying to prolong ish lol..when nature calls..answer it, but just let those around you know so they can leave you in peace!

Stay classy and germ free!

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  1. Hilarious oooo can't with this one, I would have left him at 'da curb after dinner shoot ask me to pay fity fity with you... lol enjoyed the date myself sorry at your expenses ~

  2. Lesson Learned: Always go with your gut instincts - LEAVE!!!..but this was truly funny!!



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