Hey Mofos!

*note I wrote this in Dec--just didn't update it and hit post til now*

I started this blog 50'levum years ago to talk about my dating experiences with the worst of the worst. Along the way, I kept the stories close to the vest of the rare moments I fell hard for some questionable ones in hindsight. 

Everyone says dating is fun and I thought, my heart has been hurt so many times that maybe it's easier to date someone I already know. 

WRONG ANSWER! 

It's almost like they take it as a personal challenge to take your heart and stomp on it, twist it up then throw it back in your face. This last "relationship" had to be the 2nd craziest situation I found myself in. I had a crush on this man since I met him in the 90s. Enter Facebook and we reconnected and it was like the stars aligned and finally my crush liked me back! Getting to know him as an adult made me fall even harder. I think it also helped that he didn't run for the hills when I shared that I had fibroids, had to have iron infusions, couldn't wear heels because of fibroid surgery nerve damage and my weight was all over the place, plus, I couldn't have kids. He didn't care about any of that. 

We were long distance, so of course, I was okay with that, because I didn't want him to see my hair falling out, how exhausted I was from low ferritin/iron, the changes that took me thru, the uterus that made me look 7 months pregnant, and going for iron infusions like clockwork. When I finally decided to have the hysterectomy after another failed surgery, I didn't want anyone--not even friends to see me struggling to pick myself up and adjust to a new body with hormones bouncing all over the place. He asked me to be his girlfriend and it was all I had ever wanted to hear. We video called almost daily and we just clicked. 

Two days after my surgery-- he asked me to borrow some money--he was frantic, and while I barely had energy to get out of the bed and walk to the other end of my mama's house, I thought one time will be okay? Then I didn't hear from him again for weeks. Weird for a new boyfriend right? Why didn't he come visit after my surgery you ask? GOOD DAMN QUESTION.. not a flower, card, piss, boo, bye. NOTHING. 

He finally checked in around 3 weeks post op, told me he had quit his job blah blah blah and was in Florida. And no, he didn't pay me back. 

Long story short, that man had 50'levum jobs over the course of our 2 year relationship and I tried to be patient and understanding all while healing and building Check the Rhymes TV and soon Ladies Edition. But during the first year, we got closer, he got a job where he was on the road a lot, and  he was sending me money just cuz and there were promises of the future and  he kept telling me he loved me blah blah blah. Then, the worst happened, my granddeddy fell and things went downhill quick. During that time I was going back and forth to my hometown and he sent me gas money every time and made sure I had money to eat. But when my granddeddy passed in March 2023, my life changed and I was no longer the same person. I thought, my man will come and help me thru this right? NAWL. He kept running to Florida because of his house and his brother allegedly. Didn't come to the funeral-- which I didn't fault him for that since my family decided to have it literally 3 or 4 days after he passed, so a lot of people didn't get to come. BUT he managed to get his ass to Florida a couple weeks later. 

In July 2023, I had enough of the "I'm coming" and never seeing him. I was done. He then shows up with a layover on his way to go live in the Midwest. Yes, y'all I saw my boyfriend for a whole 15 minutes at the airport, a year into this ragglass relationship. 

Six months later, my niece was killed in a tragic car accident. Do you think this man comforted me at all? Nope, I found out a few weeks ago that while I was sitting in a church looking at my niece in a casket, he was busy cheesing and taking pics with some heffa in Florida. I kept asking him WHO is in Florida-- but it was always this house, my brother blah blah blah. 

Two years I kept listening to his promises of coming to visit or move back to NC. TWO DAMN YEARS. Actually more than that. 

I would get so excited and then disappointed. The roller coaster was too much. I was killing myself trying to look how I thought he wanted me to look and then he'd come. Spoiler alert-- he didn't.  He'd switch jobs, going to all other states, but avoided NC and me like the plague. 

My self esteem plummeted, but I had a show to do, Soulibration was born and I had to focus on that dream. I kept listening to his promises, and his borrowing of money became too much and he'd pay me back on the rare occasion. Then I heard from some others that he was doing the same thing to them (not other chicks-- but friends we had in common). I was concerned, but he kept on promising he was coming and would gaslight and manipulate me into believing he really wanted to be with me. 

I started to get embarrassed of always talking about a boyfriend and realized, this man could barely remember my birthday, wouldn't say ish on any holiday, never introduced me to anyone but random people. I was becoming more and more frustrated, and I kept praying and hoping things would turn around. 

Then I found out this house he kept talking about belonged to an ex and it was an ex in the photos I saw, and even the car he was driving and showing off on Facebook, wasn't even his. It's interesting how on social media, all of his followers think he is some millionaire and he ain't got a pot to piss in, and has to borrow $5 just to get a slice of pizza--allegedly. It's sad that a man that's almost 50 years old has to play in y'alls faces too online to let you think he's something he totally isn't and hasn't been for awhile.  

How did I get here? Well, once all of that came out that he had no time to visit me but could see this chick and he admitted he didn't tell her about me because SHE is insecure. Bitch, you need to worry about ME. But anyhoo, once he said he was coming here to surprise me for the 100000000th time I said don't worry about it, you ain't been coming. I sent a text the next day breaking it off and realizing I deserve better than being someone's layaway telephone girlfriend. His response was that I was overreacting. I asked for my money back and 7 months later, I still don't have it.  Months went by before he finally apologized. It came after he thought showing his support of my career was a thumbs up on an IG post.  It sounded like he struggled with more than a mental health issue, but the thoughts of some kind of addiction started to appear in my mind. We spoke on the phone here and there, until the day of my Soulibration anniversary, he asked me for money right before I went live. I was LIVID. He knew this show meant a lot to me and I was beyond hype that I poured my heart and soul into a show that helped others. He didn't even congrats, nothing, just I NEED... 

Some other stuff happened and if I share that, then some of you will know who it is lol 

Memorial Day it hit the fan, he tried buttering me up all day long, with this speech of wanting to make it work, and going to handle the loser that sexually assaulted me in 2008 as a way to protect me, and blah blah. Little did he know, I found a therapist that got my ass together which is how I even had the strength to walk away and build my self worth months prior. I was ready this time. I knew how to spot the holes in his stories at this point. He asked me for $5, I fired back and asked why he always needs money?

The gaslighting response: "You look for any opportunity to keep an n-word down, and you just hate men."

Oh? I hate men now because I won't give into your demands now? Okayyyy sir. That comment fired me up and I lit into him and he threw back some hateful stuff even throwing the assault in my face. I remembered during his apology a few backs back, he shared that he wanted me to hate him. Game on. He succeeded. 

What pisses me off even more is that I allowed this to go on so long, and I didn't even go into ALL of the things. Maybe grief prolonged it so I was focused on that and work, or maybe a tiny part of me felt like things could change for the better. I want to get married so maybe it was the fact that he kept yapping about that that gave me a mustard seed amount of faith. 

I deserve better. No more bare minimum, no more narcissists, addicts, liars, ect.. and I'm throwing in athletes, personal trainers, and truck drivers just cuz. 

I'm tired of choosing wrong y'all. I literally don't have it in me to do this again. 

So I'm hanging up my dating hat for a while. I'm picking my crown back up and realizing my worth. Hell the one before that was verbally abusive and an alcoholic that went to jail for 30 days, but that's another blog. BUT how dare these ragglass mofos treat me like trash? I really just try to be their cheerleader and treat them the way I want to be treated and it's like they can't handle someone treating them right. They always go back to the toxic hell they love being dragged back to. 

Anyhoo, I wish this last mofo and the "ex" well --tho she prob never was an ex. I was just the dumb ass ATM and you know, she prob is too. Also, I'm not saying I'm the best looking but why come they always wanna run to someone that looks dusty?

As I look back on the relationship, it never really was one. It was a 90s crush that went down a wrong windy road and a reminder that sometimes you can't circle back cuz mofos may be the same, or they may have had a hard life and take it out on you. My wish for him is that he gets the help he needs before he wrecks someone else's life and bank account. I also wish he'd run my coins back. Now, he didn't get me for thousands upon thousands, I'm just grateful I woke up before that happened. 

Lesson Learned: Pay attention to the red flags. Actions speak louder than words. If they can't even do the bare minimum, fuck em. I have since revisited my deal breakers and boundaries because  I'm too old to be being a dummy like this even if it was the crush I always wanted. 

Sadly or maybe luckily, I no longer have a crush on this man or anybody from the past. (well I'm not counting my General Hospital crush). 

Picking up my feelings.. so until later.. 

~Meik