Review: Napoleon

Tuesday, November 14, 2023


Hey Mofos, 

I just checked another screening, but this time I went to check out a film that is totally out of my wheelhouse. Ridley Scott's Napoleon

Chile, the film is basically a look at the military commander's origin and his ruthless climb to emperor, and his codependent volatile relationship with his wife and one true love, Josephine. 

I thought this was gonna be all war, bang bang, shoot em up cuz I walked in late and was ready to walk right back out of the theater. But, the moment Napoleon (Joaquin Phoenix) spotted his future bae Josephine (Vanessa Kirby) across a crowded room and decides to creepily stare her down, I was tuned in to see what was gonna happen next. Later, he meets her two kids from her late husband, and it's clear he's already jealous of a dead man. IS THIS WHERE Y'ALL GET "your king is short?" *giggles*

Now ole Josie (my new nickname for her) is clearly ready to slut him out cuz she warned him and there goes the power of the puss, cuz he couldn't shake his love for her for the rest of his life. 

Anyhoo, she seems to be content trying to keep him under her control while he is focused on an heir and his climb to power. Their sex scenes are cringy and what one would expect from a man with his short "king" complex, jack rabbit style and her being over it. But, she does find someone who can satisfy her the moment Nap Nap goes to Egypt or some dang where. 

One scene that tore my nerves up is him tearing into Josie at the dang table amongst other people about not being able to get pregnant. It reminded me of how little men think about fertility issues, all they want is what they want and be damned if there could be an issue. But baby, when she clapped back and called him fat, I let out the biggest screech. At times this film felt more like a comedy versus a historical account of this man's life. The disrespect toxic nature of it all reminded me of how some of y'all let y'alls relationships play out on social media when it's clearly none of our business. 

One other thing that made me cackle and reminded me I need to snatch back my own damn power is when Josie left that ass on read--well as much as she could in the 1700s/1800s by not writing him. WE ARE SICK OF THESE MOFOS. Wait, lemme get back on track. 

He never really interacted with her kids, and even when he had one --we never saw what happened to that child after what looks like a year or maybe 2. 

The battle scenes were interesting, tho I kept forgetting who had on what and what army was fighting who. I clearly slept during history class and this was about the same. Napoleon seemed like a short man fighting to be the tallest giant as the peacemaker and the one who saved France. 

I kee-keed a bit during this movie, but Napoleon made me so mad at times how he spoke to Josephine and other women, especially her daughter. When this mofo told her that he forgives her--I was ready to knock that hat off his head and exile him again. 

It was an entertaining 2 1/2 hour film, but for history buffs this may not be what you are looking for since I'm not so sure it gives the most accurate portrayal of the master of war. But remember I'm also the one that slept during history class so don't listen to me lol. On a random side note, I wondered if all that horseback riding caused hemorrhoids??

Apple TV and Sony Pictures will release Napoleon in theaters on 11/22. 

Let me know if you go see it! 


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