Stuck on Stupid and a Stinky Mofo

Saturday, September 22, 2012

What's up Mofo Chronicle-ites?

I was on such a good lil streak with the blogs..and eh well, you should be used to my mini breaks by now.. Antyhoo.. since my milestone birthday mofos have been slinging unsolicited advice left and right but the one comment that twerk team dances on my nerves: "You know you are ** years old now (peep that I starred out the age LMAO) and you need to find someone and settle down before you get too old and nobody wants you"... blink blink blink blink.. I wasn't aware there was an age limit on being wanted or settling down, but mmmk. So many of those same folks spouting that ish have told me to try online dating. Clearly, they haven't read my blog.. and I thought well maybe it's time I told the story of how online dating went completely wrong for me. I was gonna take this story to the grave, but it just might help someone else out..

Stroll with me back to 2005... remember, I am naive and young at this point and recently out of the relationship with King Mofo and on this dumb arse mission to replace him quick fast and in a hurry..

I decided to try my hand at online dating. At the time, the only site I was hip to was Yahoo Personals.. yeah judge me..

So I go back and forth with this one guy who hits me up.. he's from New York, and seems like he has some sense, tells me about his businesses and his assistant ect.. oooh a bid-ness man! ANTYhoo.. We instant message each other for a couple of weeks, and then exchange phone numbers, we chat it up about another week. One day I get a text that says "Hey I'm traveling on business, and I'll be in your city on Tuesday, I can't wait to meet you".. in hindsight my response should have been WTF but because I thought there was some divine connection, I texted back "Can't wait, I'll pick you up from the airport!"

Tuesday comes and I tell my only friend (who is gay by the way) in that dayum country arse city I'm in that I want him to hang out with me and dude in case he's crazy.

So... I end up going to the airport alone, because my friend is still at work.. get there..and I'm looking for dude.. and he looks NOTHING like his pic..but he's still attractive so kool.. right? He only has one bag, a carry on and while I think it's a bit strange if you're doing all this traveling, I ignore the red flag.. because after all a cute guy has come all this way to see me! *insert eye roll*

Don't you worry.. this story goes straight to hell in a handbasket in a moment..

So I ask him where he's staying.... he says oooh well my room isn't ready yet. Ok kool. (again, in hindsight I should've demanded to know WHAT hotel and took his arse straight there) BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO where do I take him???

I'll wait..

Yep you got it.. took him to my apartment. blink blink blink.. thank goodness my friend was home and lived right across the street so he met me there.. but anyway, after a couple of hours of awkwardness sitting in my living room, I'm like well, is your room ready? He says.."oh.. my assistant messed up my reservations..can I just stay here tonight".. me being the pushover says "Sure.. you can sleep on the problem".. blink blink blink.. Since it's late, my friend goes back to his apartment and I assure him I'll be okay.. so I go into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and come out.. THIS MOFO'N NINJA IS NEKKID IN MY BED!!

blink blink blink

yes. NEKKID. I ask him WTF he is doing.. and he says "baby I don't do couches, I'm 6'4 I can't sleep on that couch." soooooooooo because at this point I'm getting a lil nervous, I just let him stay there and make a mental note to throw those sheets and comforter away. I slept on the couch.

Fast Forward to Wednesday..

I was supposed to go to work but didn't feel comfortable leaving that ninja in my house, so I ask him if he's gonna book his room , hell more importantly when are you leaving??! He informs me that he only bought a one way ticket.


blink blink blink.. a what?! So.. you aint leaving?! At that point I have to get this mofo outta my crib.. but how?! So we sit there all day looking at each other.. he tells me that his woman needs to cook so I need to get my arse in the kitchen.. now whooooooaaaaaaaaaaa I am not used to this type of ish.. How you gonna TELL me in MY house wtf to do? So of course that sets off a round of arguing..and he stomps off as his phone rings(hungry) and I hear him on the phone with what sounds like some baby mama drama..and this goes on for 2 hours.. Of course I ask him about the ish and he informs me that its none of my MF'n biznass and proceeds to go off and tells me it was his "assistant" calling for business.. well hell that don't sound like any business I've ever heard of but anyway..

Needless to say.. this is not a love connection and I am at this point scurred of this ninja. My friend comes over again and we try to come up with a way to get this fool outta my house.. nothing we tried work (again in hindsight..calling the police SHOULD HAVE been the answer but again, being dumb and young.. )..

Thursday rolls around.. I realize this ninja been here since Tuesday and ain't put not one drop of water NOWHERE on his body. No shower.. nothing. *vomi-gag* I even said I left a towel and wash cloth for you.. he said I'm good. NINJA YOU STINK!

Then a glimmer of hope.. I get a job interview in Charlotte for the following Monday.. so this is it.. he has to go! So I tell him that it's been nice visiting with him but I am going out of town the next day and he has no choice but to find somewhere to go.. so what does he say.. I'll go with you to Charlotte. *fights air* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

To make a long story short, he did ride halfway to Charlotte and not one time did he pump gas, pay for gas, or any of this ish after he told me he'd buy me a new car cuz he was ballin and this and that.. not one mofo'n penny did he offer for eating up my food, using my electricity (well.. he didn't use any water..)..NADA. Thankfully his "assistant" got him a flight out of Charlotte allegedly.. but I don't really give a darn.. in the car on the 4 hour ride, he informed me that I'm a cold heartless bish ( I guess cuz I wasn't interested in him after all this..Idk) but I dropped him off at someone's hoodrific house and peeled out of there..

and no.. we did NOT keep in touch..

So I say all this to say that I SHANT try online dating anytime soon, and this is another reason I am hesitant today to let folks come to my house.. MOFOS WON'T LEAVE!
But the most important lesson: You can't trust folks. He could have killed me and stole all my ish and it would have been my own dayum fault.. So there you have it.. the story of me being stupid..yet again..

Until Later

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  1. LMAO. i can still smell his mofo'n stench. lmao

  2. GIRL I CANNOT X_______X
    *adds to web series idea*

  3. gross..glad you are ok..sitcom episode material..

  4. I would lecture you as only a mother can, but it was years ago!!! I am so mad that you took him home, but I'm more mad that his azz was nekkid in your bed. Ewwww!

  5. A barnyard pimp from the cityThink you left Sumim out?

  6. LOL. thank y'all for reading.. I'm just mad period LOL this has to be at the top of my "stupid things Ive done" list.. for sure!

  7. That was very risky. Thank God nothing happened to you. An Angel was watching over you.

  8. What in the gingersnaps were you thinking!!!! Girlllllll!!!!!!!

  9. Blink. Blink. Blink.

    Yeah, I'm late...I don't know how I missed this.

    Um...I would love to believe this was made up but knowing the mofos you come across, it's not. I don't know how you did it and made it out ok. All parts of this had me like "WHAT?"

    But...I would still say don't let that one experience taint your views on online dating (this coming from someone who has tried it and would try again). I have a few friends who are married to men they met online (one was MySpace and the other was Facebook).


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