The Jumpoff

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

With the tragic death of NFL great Steve McNair not too long ago, many questions, comments, eyerolls, and folks looking at their own boo pieces with the side eye have come up.
McNair’s mistake, as with many, was cheating — and not screening that heffa, but I digress.
Some of you may even be questioning, “Where do I stand with my own mofo in my life?”
Don’t you worry. I’m here to help.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition of a “jumpoff.”
A jumpoff is NOT the main boo, and is just around for sexual purposes.
I think that about sums it up.
Now let’s run down my list of ways to figure out if you indeed are JUST THE JUMPOFF:

1. You have low self-esteem (or maybe you haven’t figured out that you do), but yet you think you’re doing big ish. Lemme explain: You think just because you might get a water bill paid, or even your gas tank filled, and if you’re real good, you might get a trip thrown in there. Bottom line is you THINK you are big ish poppin’ cuz wifey/hubby ain’t doing their job. ***side eye*** Allow me to inform you of something: Wifey/hubby is always gonna be numero uno … you will always come towards the bottom of the list. But if you like it, hey, do you boo.

2. You only have the cell number. I’m just saying if you were the main boo boo, you’d have all the numbers … right? I mean, the house number, work number, any other dang number that exists. And if you get a sec, take a peek in his/her cell; you’ll probably find tons of other jumpoff’s numbers in there.

3. You only get a call every now and then, when the main boo is acting up. Meaning, you might get a call, maybe three to four times a month.

4. If you’ve heard this bullshit line “I’m waiting on the right time to tell my wife/hubby about us.” Riiiiiiiiight. And I’m Michael Jackson’s love child.

5. If you never go anywhere together in public, like cute little dates such as dinner and the movies, or wine tastings. The only places you see are the ceiling, the bed, floor, shower, elevator, kitchen table, or wherever you handle your business. Hmm chances are … you are the jumpoff.
Now, a successful jumpoff NEVER has any expectations. It is just about the sex . There are no gifts, trips, bills being paid, none of that — just sex. A jumpoff never asks questions, doesn’t stalk other potential jumpoffs, and probably has enough jumpoffs of their own so they aren’t worried about any of ‘em.

Lesson Learned: If you fall into all of the categories mentioned, and you are OK with being in that role and have no intention of taking things further, then hooray for you. You win the “successful jumpoff award.” BUT if you fall into the categories mentioned, and you have hopes and dreams of moving up to wifey/hubby status, then you might need to take the scissors and cut off the chain this mofo has you dangling from and move on. Love and respect yourself and realize that you deserve to be happy and maybe this person just isn’t the one for you.

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