The Mofo Chronicles

Chatty Cathy Mofos

2012-01-27T11:14:00.004-05:00

What's happenin fam?

Seems I have another guest blogger this week! (this is where you get excited)...As usual..my comments will be sprinkled throughout.. ENJOY!

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Guest Blogger: Ashley Poag is a Marketing Specialist and Blogger for InsigniaGroup.com.

Since when did it become ok for you to violate all social norms and human decency just because you are on the dayum internet! It looks like there are a lot of grown ass men out there that need to take an internet etiquette course. Why do I say that?
Well, I was minding my own business, working late and yes signed into Facebook when suddenly I heard the little “BOOP” sound indicating that I had a message. Great! Nothing like some late night chit chat to break up the monotony. Well, is it bestie? long time whoever? Or cousin so and so? Nope, it’s a random ass dude from high school (RADFHS). What does he want? Never really talk to him, barely even know him.

((Meik: now see.. this ain't finna go good at all. If it's a random dude you don't know or barely talk to.. RUN.. listen to auntie Meik.. I've learned my lesson about idle chit chat ish with mofos))

RADFHS: Hey how do I know you?

I thought this was strange but, maybe he is doing some late night, clean out my friends’ list type of stuff. Hey! I do it from time to time. You know, get rid of the mofos you don’t actually know, or want to know, the spammers etc. So, I proceed with the conversation. We discover yes, we went to the same high school, rode the same bus, had some mutual friends and then…

RADFHS: Yes, wow! You do look familiar Cute (**side eye** hmm k)

((Meik: blink. blink. blink. now see, if he didn't know you, WHY are you entertaining this mofo??!! Why jog his rabbit arse memory .. his game is wack))

Me: uh Thanks, you have a beautiful wife and kids too (Don’t start nothing won’t be nothing right? Smdh, so very wrong)

((Meik: blink. blink. blink.))

RADFHS: I’m bored (At this point you’d think I would know to exit the conversation. But, I didn’t)

Me: Well, I’m taking a break from work, so you’re cool

RADFHS: I’m actually doing something but I can’t say..I’m ashamed (**record skip**)

Me: (*PAUSE*) WELL, I hope it’s legal

RADFHS: not smoking or drinking but if you really want to know. I’m sorry but I’m beating off.

((Meik: *spits drink out* now what now?!!! Heck's naw.. LOG OFF IMME-JET-LEY!! He needs to go handle his bodily functions with his wife.. whew chile hellz nawl.. this calls for a UNFRIEND and BLOCK!))

Me: Wow that’s so disrespectful and gross and I can clearly see you are married.. So do me a favor and delete this before your wife checks your messages..And I will pretend you were either drunk or someone hacked your profile and this conversation never happened.

((Meik: Ma'am. Girl. HELLLURRRRRR.. why are you still talking to this nasty arse mofo??!! Why are you telling him how to protect himself from the wrath of his wife?! You should have BEEN done logged off the dayum internet!))

And then ish got real different…

RADFHS: Oh this not (RADFHS) this his home boy, he’s not on, he left. This his friend **hee-honk** I hope I didn’t offend you but you asked but any way let’s start over hell (RADFHS) left is Facebook open and I thought I would browse for beautiful women.

((Meik: Bye MOFO...that arse is LYING.. DELETE. BLOCK. THE END))

People what kind of jack arse does something like this? I will tell you, someone that simply don’t know how to act! Just because you on the dayum internet does not mean you can say and do whatever the hell you wanna do. Being the Dick Tracy type of chick that I am, I had to investigate RADFHS’s friends list to see if the name that he gave me was on there. And, sure enough either this donkey was so dumb he gave up the little bit of anonymity that he had and gave me his name OR the “W” word scared the ish out of RADFHS and he threw his homeboy under the bus. Men do me and all innocent women, who are minding their own business out there on the World Wide Web, a favor: if this is you or your home boy please go get yourselves some netiquette.

Meik: I do believe the lesson learned here is F that idle chit chat ish with random folks..if it's THAT important, tell em to inbox you wtf they wanna say. If you don't know HOW we know each other, that's fine.. just don't take it to that next level with all that nasty dirty talk and you got a wife in the other room. Sir. BYE. I leave you with this: Would you want your significant other online trying to holla at other people and talking dirty to them? No? Oh. RESPECT is still a virtue that mofos have yet to learn. *sigh*

Stay Classy with some sense please!
~Meik

The Boo Boo Bandit

2012-01-19T00:27:00.004-05:00

What's up Fam? I have decided to try something new.. and allow guest bloggers..

WHAAAAAT???

Yes, you heard me right.. I'm finding out that others have MOFO stories they want to share, and frankly, I don't have the time to write THEIR stories for them, so why not just let these folks tell their own stories? Geez Meik..that's so smart.. ooooh I know.

So I'll stop rambling for now and let you enjoy the first installment.. I warn you.. this ish is HEE-LARIOUS! and of course.. my comments are sprinkled throughout.. LOL..

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Guest Blogger: Gangsta Princess

Hell dates don’t really happen? At least that’s what I used to think, until I actually went on one myself.

It was Summer 2011, one of my homeboys from out of town was in town for the weekend, so why not have a party? In traditional house-party fashion, someone had to make a beer run, so 2 of my boys, one of my best friends, and myself decided to make the run to the store. We decide to go to the gas station that is literally 1 minute away from the house. Run in, run out, no problems!

There are two lines at the gas station, I get in one line, and my girl gets in the other line. I finish up before her, and as I’m about to exit the store she yells, “This man just said that he thinks you are beautiful.” So I turn around to see who said this, and it’s the cashier. So of course, I say thanks, shoot him a smile, and proceed to exit out of the store. When my friend makes it to the car, she has his name and phone number written on the back of a receipt, and tells me I should call him.

Shallow is thy name at times, and I completely understand that is wrong, but hell, he works at a gas station, I’m not feeling that. So my friends give me the lecture of “don’t judge him yet, it could be his part-time job, you never know, give him a chance..blah, blah.” We all know that alcoholic beverages give us liquid coverage, so I decided I would go ahead and give him a call and play with his mind. I call him up, we chit chat, he asks if he can take me out to dinner sometime, I say okay, we ended the conversation.

((Meik's comment: Now YOU know this aint finna go well atall.. playing with someone's mind = some munked up mess.. but do what you do boo))

Next day, he called me and we had the opportunity to talk more and I had a sober mind to ask the important questions, and instead of going with my gut feeling, I go with what my friends said, “be open.” He tells me he is 23 (too young), has 2 jobs and the gas station is his part-time (okay friends were right about the part-time gig), has a college degree (plus), has a car (plus), and has an apartment and lives down the street from me (double plus). So we make plans to have dinner the following day.
So far, so good, right?

Originally he was going to cook me dinner, but got delayed, so decided upon going out to dinner somewhere. We decided I would meet him at his place cuz I didn’t want him knowing where I lived, and we’d just ride together to the restaurant. I opted to drive b/c I like to have control over the situation, if I’m ready to go I can leave, and if you are crazy I can leave you.

((Meik's comment: PAUSE. why couldn't his arse just meet you at the restaurant? I'm betting that this is a situation that you FINTA regret.. but lemme keep reading..))

Called him up, let him know I was outside, he gets in the car, and things got confusing immediately….
He has on shorts and support socks/hose that come all the way up, sneakers, and a plaid shirt. Totally confused on the compression socks, clueless as to why he doesn’t have jeans on instead, and also taking into consideration how confused others will be as well. So I say “I’m not really that hungry, so we can just go to Applebees.” Why did I pick Applebees??? Because nobody hardly ever goes to that joint!! Lol

((Meik's comment: blink. blink. blink. Com-who-socks? FUH WHAT? and I woulda left his arse right there at his house and went the hell on somewhere errrr I like Applebee's.. but I digress.. ))

We get to Applebees, and the waitress offers a table with stools, I say cool, he says no I need a booth. I ask WHY, he says “I’ll tell you at the table.” Really confused at this point because I didn’t know it was a huge ordeal about seating arrangements. But okay, we sit down and order, I get water and a $7 salad. He orders a steak, sprite and sweet tea, which totals about $25 (these prices are important). After ordering the food, I have to steer the convo back to why we had to sit in a booth. He then explains that he has severe diabetes and has to give himself insulin multiple times a day, and just recently got out of the hospital for knee swelling and fluid on his knees. So this of course explains the compression/surgical socks, or whatever. Of course at this point, I do feel bad for judging his outfit choice, and sympathize with his health issues, so everything is explained and should go well from this point forward…until…..

((Meik's comment: wayment..I get the mofo has issues..but he couldn't cover them joints up.. throw on some sweats, jeans, long johns..SOMETHING????))

The check comes!! He pulls out his credit card and asked me if I wanted to split it 50/50…I flat out said NO, however I have no problem leaving a tip…but seriously? Did I eat a steak? Did I even have a soft drink? Hell NO I am not paying half of anything! So he looks at me like I was speaking a foreign language, and reluctantly paid for the meal.

((Meik's comment: blink. blink. blink. now forgive me if I'm missing something..but didn't he ASK YOU out? AND you drove?! *blank stare* ))

Needless to say, the next stop is to drop his cheap butt off at home. So on the way to his house, he tells me he enjoys hanging out with me, and would love to watch a movie. All signs have already pointed that I don’t need to be bothered, but I say, ok, sure we can watch a movie.

Let me explain that his apartment is basically a college campus based type of apartment where there are 4 bedrooms that each have their own bathrooms, and the roommates all share the common areas (laundry area, kitchen, and living room). No television in the living room, so we had to watch the movie in his room….he opens the door, to disorganization, and a messy room (just as I thought).

I sit on his bed to watch his 15-inch flat screen TV that I can barely see, he hands me the remote, and excuses himself to the restroom. I take this opportunity to text and tweet my friends to let them know that I am not sure if I can trust their judgment ever again and our friendships will be reevaluated, lol. As I’m tweeting and texting, I finally notice that not only has time flown by, but I’ve heard a numerous amount of flushes, water running, a fan on blast, and interval sprays of air freshener being doused in the air.

((Meik's comment: *sniggle*))

I then realized that about 15 minutes have elapsed, and this fool is still in the restroom. This mission needs to be aborted ASAP. So I start planning my escape, and as I’m about to collect my keys and my purse, I get a text message.... live from the bathroom, from this fool, and it says “I am sooo sorry, I am just going to be a few more minutes, this is taking longer than I expected.”

((Meik's comment: *sniggle harder*))

Oh.Wow. Welllp.. against my better judgment yet again, I wait for him to come out…After about 10 more minutes, he finally emerges from the bathroom spraying behind him, and apologizing. Earlier at dinner I had offered some hand sanitizer to him b/c I am all about clean hands, and he had declined, which is gross. But when this man left the bathroom, he then says “Hey, do you still have that hand sanitizer…umm…can I get some please?”

((Meik's comment: But.....*raises hand* umm... nevermind just.....))

Soooooo you mean to tell me, that this nasty grown man just had a massive bowel movement and does not have any soap to wash his nasty hands???? Thoroughly disgusted!!!!!!! But I do share my hand sanitizer cuz if he tries to give me a goodbye hug I do not want boo-boo residue on me!!

Now the plot to vacate the scene is on ten times more. We watch TV for about 10 minutes, and I say “I completely forgot I am working overtime tomorrow…I need to head home and wind down so I can be ready to get up at 5am,” (it was about 7pm at this time). He looks at me in disbelief but goes along with the story, and tells me I can stay a few more minutes, so I oblige, unfortunately. About 5 more minutes pass, and he then says, “So what time are you leaving, because I have to go back to the bathroom, and I’m afraid that I am going to be a lot longer this time.”

That is all the information I need sir, I’m going home NOW! I tell him goodbye, he rushes me out the door, and I jet to the car to call my friends to give them hell!!!! 30 minutes later, after his second diarrhea session, I receive a text saying he had a great time, and can’t wait to hang-out with me again. Were we on the same date?

He tried aggressively for a few weeks to score a second date, and I avoided him like the plague because I could not believe his actions from the first date…that ish was just beyond disgusting. I understand we all have to go when nature calls, but at least be discrete about the situation!! This dude’s name starts with a B and I so lovingly like to remember him as Boo Boo B….

Moral of the story, Immodium AD might be something that everybody need to keep in their wallets, and NEVER run out of soap at your house, cuz you never know when you might need both!
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Jeeeezus take this wheel because THIS was pure d-dayum comedy..
Lesson learned: if you have bubble guts.. cut the date shawt and be done with it.. ain't no point in trying to prolong ish lol..when nature calls..answer it, but just let those around you know so they can leave you in peace!

Stay classy and germ free!
Meik..

Double Trouble: 2nd Chances

2012-01-03T00:03:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year fam!

Now most of you have been along for the ride through my downs, and even lower than low dating experiences, notice I didn't say "ups and downs".. and the final straw for me has been getting stood up for the gazillionth time, but that's neither here nor there, I chalk it up to mofos being trife and keep it moving..

But let's go back a little further in my dating life and look at the downfall of it all..

King Mofo and I fall in love, King Mofo and I shack up and play house in a new city like we're crazy, King Mofo eventually cheats, I throw his arse out, King Mofo comes crawling back, I forgive him and give him another chance.

This week on The Social Hour we are discussing whether or not cheaters should get a second chance?

Now if my own situation had worked out for the greater good, I'd say heck yea give folks a second chance.. BUT..this ain't the El Debarge story..so let's continue on with the story shall we...

King Mofo and I move back closer to his fam, King Mofo and I are back in love and all is right with the world allegedly, King Mofo starts acting crazy again, and lo and behold.. his arse is cheating again.. with not one, but at least 2 chicks (that I know of)..

blink.
blink.
blink.

Over 7 years and this is how this negroid does me??!!!...so my answer is simple.. HELL to the MOFO'N NAW.. No second chances will be given over cheaaaa...

Why not Meik?

Well besides the long drawn out saga I simplified for you, and the complete utter disrespect and having my heart ripped out of my chest and tossed back at me..oooh I don't know.. perhaps it's the fact that most cheaters realize they got away with the ish once, so they can do it again and again. I have no tolerance for that ish.

Now I know you're asking well why did you give him a second chance??!!

Simple. I loved him and didn't want to be alone, and besides, I actually felt in my heart of hearts he would change.

Now.. why didn't I give him one more chance after that?

*blank stare* you can't possibly be serious asking me that?!

I do know this, I don't want to ever be the person that I was back then, accepting that the mofo totally disregarded our commitment, disrespected me, lied to me, and made me feel like everything was my fault.. NO THANK YOU.. besides, if they feel the need to cheat, they can kick rocks and keep on keepin on with the heaux they started creeping with. She (or He.. however you get down) can have his trife arse..

It's not worth being in a relationship where the trust is gone, and the constant nagging in the back of your mind wondering if that person is up to no good when they aren't around you, questioning every little thing they say, etc.. that alone is enough to drive someone insane.

Ultimately, it comes down to one thing.. do you respect yourself enough to realize that if he/she didn't love you enough to stay faithful, do you think they will change when you give them a second chance? Granted I am sure there are some cheating arse mofos that allegedly change, I just don't plan on sticking around after they cheat to find out..well unless he's pullin in the Kobe Bryant money LMAO.. jk. kinda.

The road to recovering from a cheater is a long one, trust me..it takes a long time to find yourself and love yourself again, but I do know this..I love me more than some mofo that can easily stick his peen in someone else's cookie box without a second thought about me and my feelings.

So Mofo Chronicle Readers.... do you think cheaters should get a second chance?

Tune into The Social Hour every Tuesday on Urban Soul Radio.. just log onto www.thesocialhr.com 7p to 9p PST or 10p-Midnight EST and call in!

Until later,
Meik..

Tick Tick BOOM mofos

2011-12-31T18:06:00.003-05:00

What's up fam?

In just a few hours we'll say goodbye to 2011 and ring in 2012.. and it is my sincere hope that the new year will knock some sense into some mofos.

BUT... I'm also pretty sure it probably won't.

I also hope that in the new year that mofos learn one thing: RESPECT.

There's a thin line apparently between RESPECT and TIME.

What you mean Meik?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I have touched on this topic before in 2009 if I'm not mistaken and it's a shame that as mofos get older, they still cannot respect people's time.

For example: Boy asks girl out, girl accepts, they make plans for the following day at a specific time, next day girl is ready and waiting....and waiting.....and waiting.....and well you get the point. Mofo is a no-show. In the workplace what does that mean ya'll...

FIRED.

My point is this.. all of this waiting n ish could have been AVOIDED if the mofo had picked up a phone, sent a pigeon, tweeted, face booked, BBM'd or whatever method he had to use to tell the chick that he 1)had something come up and would reschedule 2) didn't really dayum wanna go in the first place 3)He ain't ish.

Now I could make this blog personal and start pointing fingers and calling out names, but you know who you are and if you are guilty of this ish, male or female, then you need to think about how you'd feel if someone did the ish to you.

Not a great feeling huh?

It may be an oversight *sideeye* or it maybe you just have no respect for others and the time they have spent waiting on your trifling arse, or you may have just not been raised correctly.. either way..the ish is just rude and disrespectful. It doesn't take but a minute to cancel plans. Trust me, folks will appreciate the effort alot more than they will take the *crickets* and no call no show.

So as we countdown to midnight and ring in the new year.. let's toast to the hope that standing folks up is a thing of the past and learning how to RESPECT people's TIME and feelings is something EVERYONE will make an effort to do.

Happy New Year Dear Readers! I appreciate you all and am glad you are here and am grateful for your support!

Stay Classy!
Meik

Red Flag Alert

2011-12-05T11:08:00.003-05:00

What’s up Mofoville!

Once again, I decided to venture out into the big ole world of dating...don't look at me like that..I already know I should have left this ish alone.

You ever meet someone that you instinctively KNOW that they aren’t for you and no matter how hard you try to keep an open mind and not judge them right off the bat, it just doesn’t work?

What you mean Meik?

Lemme give you an example. I met this guy a couple of weeks ago while he was working at an event. He seemed to be a really nice guy, very helpful since I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find publicists and managers, but my eyebrow raised a bit when he escorted me to the bathroom and stood outside the door waiting on me to come out.. But I pushed that *red flag* out of my head.

Don’t judge me just yet.

So fast forward to the end of the event and I’m frustrated, frantic, etc.. And he comes up and asks to exchange info, we do.. I don’t think ish else about it.

The next day..which is a Sunday.. He calls me 4 times and not really to get to know each other, but to just say, hi. Blink. Blink. Another *red flag* that I ignored.
I asked him about what he does full time, and to this day I still don’t know..he couldn’t fully explain what he does, all I got was he worked in advertising. Hmm. Mmk. DOING WHAT? *crickets* hmm mmm.

Monday.. He calls and texts me several times throughout the day, which if I was interested, it might be cute, but its becoming an annoyance, especially since I work in news and have told him what times of the day are the busiest.. He asks if I’d like to go out Saturday.. I said okay, because after all, a girl has to get back into dating right? Then he asks if I am looking to have a family and get married soon or if I’m all about my career? *red flag* do men ask that ish before the first date? I mean at this point my nerves are a lil rattled..

Tuesday.. He tells me how crazy he is about me and sends me pics of himself, requests me on face book and then informs me that he went through ALL of my pics. Now, if you know me, you already know I have over 1000 pics probably on there.. WHO in the right mind has that kind of time? He also asks if I’d like to go to Charleston, SC for the weekend. *red flag*

Wednesday… After a series of ignate texts that I can’t decipher, I just decide I’m too busy at work to even respond to this foolishness. He calls me when I get off work and says he can’t wait to meet my parents and that we should go to the mountains for a romantic getaway. Blink. Blink. Blink. *red flag* I quickly shut that ish down, and he begs and pleads and tells me that if I don’t like that idea, then he’d take me to Las Vegas. Blink. Blink. Blink. I shut that down, then he lays out his plans for our date. 7pm.. A walk in the park. Screeeeeeech.. Slam on the brakes… IT IS DECEMBER MOFO.. IT IS COLD OUTSIDE!!! Anyhow.. Then go get cocktails at Fridays (his words not mine) and then to the movies. Now for me, a first date should not include all this togetherness.. I don’t know if I even want to move past the drinks part let alone spend hours and hours together. So at this point I have had ENUFF.. I ask him what he’s looking for ….are ya’ll ready for this one?

He says, a chick to go out of town with.. That will turn into a friendship that evolves into a relationship then get married and have kids. *RED FLAG!!!!*

Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

Now don’t get me wrong.. I want to get married as much as the next gal, but I’ll be damned if a ninja gonna force me into some ish when I don’t even know them.. So I politely informed him of my plans of moving to Cali as soon as possible and it was pure *crickets* and he stuttered and carried on for a few minutes then got off the phone neverrrrrr to be heard from again..UNTIL the next Monday.. when I get "good morning" text messages. Is he for real right now? Technically he stood me up, (don't matter that I had no intention of going) but the point is.. is this dude like for real for real with this ish?

Lawd, I go from one extreme to the next don’t I?! This is what I get for trying to have an open mind. Never. Again.

Ok moving onto one of my key things that I always preach to ya’ll about.. SCREENING A MOFO..granted I got a lil lax because I haven’t had to do the ish in a while, but thanks to my home girls.. I logged right onto the jail website and BAM!!! Mofo’s mugshot looking right back at me..

What he do Meik?

This ninja here was arrested for writing bad checks.

Now how the hell was he gonna offer to take someone on some vacay type ish? Ninja bye. The scary part .. Is he was doing all this trying to woo me and never once said ish about ever being arrested.

Lesson Learned: STOP IGNORING RED FLAGS! period. the end.

Which brings me to this week’s Social Hour Topic.. If your significant other is whisked off to the “jailhouse” as some country bumpkins call it, are you going to wait for them to get out?? Or you gonna pull a Mya and be Movvvvvinnnnn OOOOnnnnnnn?

I have to say.. I’ll take not waiting on a mofo for 100 Alex.. I’m getting old, my biological clock keeps making strange noises..I don't have time for this ish..not now, not tomorrow, not next year..not ever! Tho I do wonder if any of Conrad Killa Murray’s boo’s and baby mama’s are waiting on him to serve his time..hmmm.. I'm thinking he bout to Bend it like Beckham.. But anyhoo...

So fam, what would you do?

As always, Tune into the Social Hour every Tuesday evening from 7-9p PST just log onto thesocialhr.com and listen in.. we ‘preciate ya!

Stay Classy!
Meik

Game for Mofos

2011-11-29T00:01:00.005-05:00

What's happening Mofo Chronicle-ites?!
I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving Holiday if you celebrate it!

Now you know I like to school you on some old school music sometimes right? Does this song look familiar?

"Break up to make up, that's all we do
First you love me then you hate me
That's a game for fools
Break up to make up that's all we do
First you love me then you hate me
That's a game for fools

When I come home from workin', you're on the phone
Talkin' about how bad I treat you, now tell me I'm wrong
You say it's me who argues, I'll say it's you
We have got to get together or baby, we're through"

That's "Break up to Make up" by the Stylistics.. does that situation sound atall familiar to you tho?

We've all had that one relationship that you know is bad for you, but you can't help but stay in the ish..

You know what I'm talkin about..that relationship that you fight fight fight.. break up.. pout.. one of ya'll comes crawling back.. then the make up part ensues.. repeat.

OOOOOh that vicious cycle!

This week on The Social Hour...we're talking about that same cycle and asking the question does the black family have what it takes to stay together?

I thought about this long and hard.. and I can honestly say, the potential is there.. but folks run at the sign of any trouble.

I hate to bring up King Mofo again, but since we shacked up and did everything but seal the deal in front of God and everyone with a marriage certificate.. he's the best example I have.. so everytime we would fight.. which towards the end was ALOT, one of us would declare ITS OVER.. even go so far to pack ish up, and storm out.. hell one time I moved my ish out just to see if he'd come running.. he didn't.. but that's a whole nother story..

Another example, I broke up with a guy because the mofo KNEW I was sick, but didn't bother to check on me.. not even a "can I leave you some orange juice in front of your door and not come in and catch your germs" message! I broke up with him via text, but the making up part that came later was wooooooooo chile.. but that set us on the course of the roller coaster of doom and the original issue was never dealt with.

After a while, that cycle gets realllllllll old..in my opinion, I mean seriously, once you get to a certain age, WHO has the energy for all that ish? I certainly don't, I got other ish to worry about.. but my point is this.. notice, each time, the easiest solution was just to break up and run away and not deal with the issue at hand. After a while of not dealing with the issue, you continue to add on to each layer.. placing a band aid on it every time and eventually what happens is.. no communication =no resolved issues=fail.. and then you're sitting there looking at each other like boo boo the fool wondering why it won't work..and the cycle continues.

I think the best answer to the question at hand.. are black families..or hell families in general equipped to succeed? I think so, if they utilize their mouths that God gave them and COMMUNICATE. Why run at the first sign of trouble? So what a mofo didn't make your plate, or glanced at a chick, or she glanced at a guy walking by, or she didn't buy your fav drink, or didn't call you within the allotted time or he poked someone on facebook..or she tweeted that rapper? Really.. are those petty arse arguments worth the drama? Maybe if you're in high school and college.. but grown arse adults should have other ish to worry about.. if you break up one damn time over petty ish.. then maybe you should stay broken up.. what's the point in going back and forth?

I think it's time we put on our grown folks drawz (leave the holey ones in the drawer or better yet toss them shyts out) and stop all this breaking up and making up.. hell.. wouldn't you rather just be in make up mode all the time.. you know what I mean.. the kissing n huggin n rubbin n ...well you get the point..

Tune into The Social Hour e'ry Tuesday 7-9p PST on Urban Soul Radio.. just head on over to www.thesocialhr.com to tune in!

So I pose the same question to you guys.. Break up to Make up: Does the black family have what it takes to stay together?

Stay Classy!
Meik

Non-healing Mofos

2011-11-21T19:42:00.006-05:00

What’s up fam?
I hope you guys have been tuning into The Social Hour every Tuesday on Urban Soul Radio or check us out at TheSocialhr.com, if you haven’t then wtf you waiting on?!
This week’s topic we are looking at “Men don’t heal, they hoe”..

YES LAWD.. Can I get an AMEN?!!!

How many times have ya'll heard this line ladies?
" all women are crazy"
or
"I don't trust women"
or
"I don't do relationships now, just friendships aka booty calls"

So many times we hear men say that women hold grudges against all men once our hearts are broken, OK.. True maybe we do, but at least we RECOGNIZE what we are doing and we ATTEMPT to correct it. I admit, after I got my heart stomped on and ground into a pile of ash, I went through the “compare” phase of always comparing everything my date was doing to everything my ex did, and it boiled down to one thing, I needed to step back from the dating scene and focus on lil ole me..

So how did you do that Meik?

I turned to blogging..writing, focusing on becoming a better me.. And getting to know me, and what I will and won’t put up with.

Does anyone else feel like they almost always meet a brotha AFTER that one chick he LOVED-DED has taken his heart and shredded it into a thousand pieces? It's like from that point on.. the good women are always fighting an invisible war with this heffa..we will never get ahead cuz she's always there...because he won't freaking FORGIVE, HEAL, and MOVE THE HELL ON!

Stroll with me down memory lane for a min..
I believe this was in 2007, I met a guy at an event, and we started chit chatting, and I’m thinking he’s cute, intelligent, can hold a convo, older, and seems like he has some sense.

You already know how this is gonna go don’t ya? After all, I don’t call this The Mofo Chronicles for nuthin.

He asks me that dreaded question of “so, why are you single?” (which brings me to another question.. WHY does it matter WHY I’m single as long as I am and available to sit here and chat with you?!) Antyhoo.. I replied that I just haven’t met anyone..that’s the safe answer versus going into the WHY men get on my mofo’n nerves cuz they can’t even figure out wtf chivalry n ish means, but I digress.. So I flip the question and ask him the same question, ‘why are you single?”

WHYYYYYY can’t I just sit there silently and nod?! WHYYYYY must I ask questions I don’t really wanna know the answer to?

What happened Meik?
I’m oh so glad you asked.

Welllp.. after a few drinks he spilled his heart out and that struck again..He told me that he was introduced to this chick and felt like he had the best looking "stripper" ever..(umm I dont know if i find that as a compliment or what but it ain't none of my biznass)..but he said that after the first date, she put it on him so good, he had his nose wide open, she even told him that he was nothing but a paycheck to her.

Let's stop right here. Process what I just said. HE AIN'T NUTHIN BUT A PAYCHECK. mmk. let's proceed shall we?

Anyway, this brotha was so hooked on this chick that he tells me that he proposed 4 months later....with a $10,000 ring.

Let's stop right here and process this yet again. He's a paycheck, she's got the good good.. and now she has a 10 thousand damn dollar engagement ring.

Where did I go wrong in my life? Sorry.. I'm back I had a moment..let's proceed.

So he tells me that was 9 months ago, and where is this heffa now? Boo'd up with a thug named Rollo (I made that name up lol) with that big arse diamond ring and this brotha walking around pouring his heart out to whoever will listen..damn shame..Then fixes his lips at the end of the night to ask me out and for my number.. No sir, we can email. Good nite. *runs screaming like hell..**

So if I was dumb enough to jump on this rollercoaster with this mofo, can you even imagine the drama that would’ve ensued? He probably would have dogged me the f out, constantly going back to the stripper to get some, lying to me, etc.. NO THANK YOU.. I'm good chillin right where I am.. single and headache free.

Fellas, it’s a simple process.. take that ish up with ole girl, HEAL, then get back out into the big old world of dating. Do NOT pass go until you are over that heffa! Keep ya peen to yourself..hell you got 2 hands use em!

As I’m writing this blog, I am thinking about my own situation and why my ex did the things he did, he too was hurt in a previous relationship, so I guess the best way to deal with that for men is to take it out on the next chick and the next one and so forth..

How does satisfying that physical part make the hurt go away?

It doesn’t. In fact my dear men, you are just creating a web of mofo ish, that will turn into lies, deception, hurt feelings, and if you pick the right chick, windows busted out ya car, tires slashed, car keyed, ect.. Don’t you watch SNAPPED?

The easiest solution is this.. And it goes both ways for men and women, if you JUST got out of a relationship and got your face cracked, do the world a favor and HEAL first before you get out cheaaa causing havoc and hoeing with every mofo with whatever hole you prefer.
Disease is real. You can heal your hurt but you dayum sho can’t get rid of AIDS.. Think about it.

Tune in e’ry Tuesday from 7-9PST to The Social Hour on Urban Soul Radio (thesocialhr.com)
　
Stay classy and drama free!
Meik

The Blame Game

2011-11-14T23:43:00.005-05:00

“Now I’m the kind of guy who don't believe
That chivalry is dead, no
'Cause I believe a woman should be treated
With the utmost respect,
Don't be afraid, don't turn and walk away
I wanna get to know ya, well
Don't be ashamed, don't say that love's to blame
Just come and look me over
You'll find a heart that you've always been looking' for
How could anybody ask for much more,
Now I like opening' doors
Picking' up [Yeah] her hanky [Yeah] off the floor
Treat her like a lady [Treat her like lady]
Light her cigarette if she smokes
Even [Help her with her coat], well
Treat her like a lady [Treat her like lady]
In this world of liberation
it’s so easy to forget
that it's so nice to have a man around
to lend a helping hand, you can bet, bet you can, baby
When I was young, my mama used to say, Boy
A woman's like a flower, with love on her you shower
Ever since that day, her words never went away
I always will remember to treat my baby tender

You'll find a heart that you've always been looking' for
How could anybody ask for much more …”

Do these lyrics look familiar? It’s from the song Treat her like a lady by the Temptations. If you don't know it.. find it on youtube and take a listen.. for the rest of us that are up on our old school music game..let's continue shall we?

This week on The Social Hour we are discussing whether or not chivalry is dead, and in fact, who killed it? Was it the liberated, independent woman? Or was it the lazy arse men that just don’t give a got darn anymore about putting forth their best effort?

Personally, I think chivalry is on life support, and Conrad Killa Murray ain't too far behind it ready to finish it off.. I'm just saying..

It’s funny as I’ve re-entered the dating world with baby steps I’m reminded daily from men I encounter, whether it’s in person or online on Twitter, Facebook, or blogs, that a lot of them don’t give a got doggone darn about chivalry, in fact, they don’t quite seem to know the definition.

I was thinking about dating in high school and college versus now and it’s sad to say, that my experiences in my teens and early 20’s were much more “chivalrous”. Maybe it’s the geographical location of being in smaller cities back then, I don’t know... for example, one guy that I went out with in college, didn’t come at me off the bat with the “lemme get them panties blah blah bullshittah”.. Instead he took the time to get to know me, by dating me, and while we were dating, he always treated me with the utmost respect.

How Meik?

Well, you know I'm oh so glad you asked! First of all, no matter where we were he would always open doors, he would open my car door FIRST and close it, he would even care about whether or not it was too hot or too cold in the car, or his home etc.. He would always let me order first at restaurants, always pull my chair out, in fact, he would help me with my jacket, it boiled down to one thing... he had manners and he was raised to treat women with respect.

Now some of you are saying, girl you were grown, why couldn’t you do that ish yourself?

Well hell, now days you have to. Can I tell you how many times I have gone out over the past few years and mofos will walk straight through a door and will damn sho not even bother to notice that the ish slammed in my face, they will order first b/c they are hungry, and if it’s cold outside, you betta hurry up and get yo arse in the car because he ain’t got time to wait out in the cold, and lawd don’t let it be raining and he has the umbrella..Consider your hair WET and F’d.

I was at a Waffle House in Atlanta last year and a bunch of guys were standing outside the door, not ONE mofo moved a muscle to open the door. I had to f’n say, “sooooo ya’ll see a lady approaching and nobody is going to open the door?!” One responded, “Ooooh my bad, nobody has EVER said anything so I just don’t think about that”.. ninja opened the door, and I thanked him, when I came back out, same thing, opened the door and I thanked him again. Now what does he mean NOBODY ever said a thing?!

WHY is this?

OOOOOOOOOh according to some comments from my Facebook page and twitter:
“Chivalry is dead, and women nowadays don’t deserve it”

“Chivalry is all about being romantic, and we want to feel appreciated, and when we aren’t we just stop putting forth the effort”

“Chivalry, ain’t that dealing with horses and shyt?”

“Women are the ones that should be doing all the chivalry stuff”

Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

SMH WHY LAWD WHYYYYYYYY Didn’t I snatch up one of those men that knew how to act right when I had the chance?!

Sorry. I had a moment. I’m back now, but honestly, I don’t have the answer as to why folks have just decided to toss all good sense out the window.

Imagine if our parents, grandparents, great grandparents had this attitude of why even bother? Hell, most of us probably wouldn’t be here. Growing up, my deddy wouldn’t even let a nucca sit outside blowing the horn for me to come out, if a mofo didn’t have enough respect for me to get his black arse out the car and come to the door, then I wasn’t allowed to go outside to meet him, much less go on the date. Even the thuggish ruggish bone thugs in our city opened doors n ish.. So I ask you fellas, WHY can’t you open doors and just do what should be a form of manners and stop placing emphasis on who deserves it? If you can throw dollars at a chick sliding up and down a stripper pole, and then pick the dollars up to make sho she see em, why the f can’t you open a mofo’n door?!

Would you want your mother or sister getting a door slammed in their face? No, you’d want them to be treated like a lady. All this bs about women not deserving to be treated like a lady is absolute ridiculousness, and THAT is why the independent woman has to be independent and take matters into her own hands. In 2011, women don’t have time for you to sit there and come up with janky arse reasons as to WHY you can’t pull out her chair, open a door, and light her cigarette/cigar/blunt or whatever she smokes, so instead, they do it themselves. Why bother with listening to a brotha moan and groan about what she doesn’t do for him? Tha hell? When did it become all about keeping score? I swear I don’t understand, maybe parents quit teaching these types of things or maybe we as women stopped demanding and expecting these types of things.

On the flip side, women have got to let the men be men. If women continue to step into the man role by doing the pursuing, chasing, opening doors, pulling his mofo’n chair n ish out, what the f else do you expect him to do but start acting girly and not wanting to put forth an ounce of effort?! Then when it’s time for him to move onto the next one, he’s expecting that from every chick he meets... and I tell ya right now, he won’t get far ova cheaaaa with that ish.

Is chivalry really dead? Or has it just phased into every man and woman for themselves? I vote we resurrect the ish before Murray gets a hold of it.. *shrugs*

I don’t know fam, life would probably be a lot simpler if mofos would let go of these ‘new age’ ideas and we go back to the days of the things they sang about just like the Temptations, Treat her like a lady.. I still EXPECT and DEMAND to be treated like one, and one day, maybe I’ll find that rare guy that knows how to treat a woman like she is supposed to be treated.

So what do you think? Shall we continue pointing fingers at each other to determine who KILT the ish? Or shall we find a solution to bring chivalry, respect, expectations, and standards back to the forefront? Or just let the ish continue to die a slow triflin death?

Tune into The Social Hour on Tuesdays from 7-9pm PST check us out on thesocialhr.com and weigh in on the topic.

Until Later,
Meik

Mofo'n Heart on Ice

2011-11-07T23:45:00.008-05:00

What's up fam?

This week's topic on The Social Hour (on Urban Soul Radio) poses the question: Are new-age women bred to be anti-relationship?

Of course I thought, why is it that WE as women have to be the anti-relationship mofos? Then I thought, well wait a minute, I'm sure most of us, both women AND men can attest to running like hell away from the commitment chains.. but have you ever thought about WHY?

Of course for some it could be how you were raised, the type of environment you were around, or you just might be trife. On the flip side, it could be a relationship gone all kinds of wrong that sends you running for the hills of solitude with an occasional booty call/jumpoff.

For me, I was never ever ever (u hear me?) EVERRRRRRR getting married.. I haven't witnessed the type of relationships you see on TV, and frankly, I don't know if those exist, so at the age of 10, it was pretty much declared ..I AINT DOING IT. I started to go into explaining why, but I'm not ready to share that but just know the actions of your parents can affect you in so many ways.

ANTYHOO....

I've never had a lot of boyfriends, and never really dated a whole lot, in fact the majority of my 20's were spent with the one man that made me change my views on marriage.. UNTIL.. his arse cheated.. not once.. but twice that I know about and have proof of..

WHAAAATTTTT? Yes I said this mofo cheated. If you have been following my blog, then you already know most of the story..but what you don't know is the story about the first time I caught his arse.

Stroll with me down memory lane, around 2002.. we had been together about 4 or 5 yrs .. at this point we were shacking up, playing house in a city where we didn't know a whole lot of folks, but anyhoo.. I could tell things weren't 100% cuz hell he got on my nerves half the time and we did nothing but argue, but there were some times when he'd tell me he was going to workout at the apartment complex fitness center..and around 11pm...his arse is nowhere to be found, going on trips out of town, mofo'n hangups to the house phone when I answer, hush hush phone convos, ect...but in true "I love he oh so much there's no way he'd lie to me" fashion I chose to ignore the very ish that I KNEW wasn't adding up. Then one day, I'm doing laundry and checking his pockets b/c he had a habit of leaving ish in em..and lo and behold.. a receipt for somewhere that was in the opposite direction of where he told me he was going.. I asked him about it, got some ole bs answer which I accepted and kept in the back of my mind.. next thing that pops up is my best friend hears rumors that he has a jumpoff in Atlanta.. and I notice the same number keeps popping up on our caller id.. but i confront him yet again, and am told that I'm letting people try to break us up.. again, filed to the back of my mind.

Now trust me, I could kick my own arse at this point but hey, I was a dumb arse young girl in love so he could do no wrong. **insert Conrad Murray lip quiver**

Until I talk to a friend and she says check his email. Moi? Be Nosey? NEVERRR ehhh ok.. he went out of town, and I checked and BAM.. evidence right there.. emails back and forth between him and some chick that KNEW he was in a relationship and was so desperate for a man she was kool with being a side piece.. so I called her.. and she confirmed, and we called him and ninja was BUSTED. Needless to say..we broke up.. BUT ole Meik loved that man right down to his dirty draws and gave him another shot..even moved back to the great state of Tennessee for him where we'd spend another couple years together until the verbal abuse set in and the constant lying and eventually I found out he was sleeping with one of my MARRIED sorors that lived in the same apartment complex. (see a previous blog for that story)

Needless to say.. THAT was my final straw and I vowed to never let anyone get close..ever. If you have had your heartbroken then you know what I'm talking about when you put 100% trust in someone and even when you give them a second chance, they stomp on your heart and hand it back to you and dare you to trust them again. THAT mofo is another reason for why I replaced a big ole block of ice in place of my heart..thus making me anti-relationship.

My foray into the dating pool hasn’t been the greatest hence The Mofo Chronicles, but it also appears that women aren’t the only ones that have deep scars making them “anti-relationship”.. I can't tell you the number of men that have resorted to the “non-chasing, non-courting” rule because of ish they’ve been through. They no longer put forth the effort to do ish, but sit their arse there and wait for women to do all the work.

So I stepped away from it all and I decided its best to chuck the deuces before things get too close for comfort and almost 7 years later, I’m still single and look back wondering if I jinxed myself. As I get older, the biological clock is setting in (I'm bout to break the damn thing its ticking so f’n loud) and the thought of growing old alone and never experiencing true unconditional love, without a mofo cheating and lying n ish scares the piss out of me. Seeing one of my best friends marriage up close made me FINALLY realize that, not all marriages or relationships turn out to be drama filled, and that there are couples that truly love each other because they put God first in their relationship.

AH HA! Lightbulb.. THAT is what had been missing all along. God wasn’t a major presence in that raggedy relationship I was in, or any that I had seen, or heard about growing up.. so with that knowledge over the past few years, I can honestly say, I’m not 100% anti-relationship anymore, but I am and will always remain anti-mofo. I'd say the ice is slowly melting away.. but it's a work in progress.

So what makes you anti-relationship?

Tune into The Social Hour EVERY Tuesday from 7-9pm PST! We’ll dig into this topic a little further and take your calls and read your comments on the air! www.thesocialhr.com

Until Later..
Meik

Beautiful Mofos

2011-10-25T00:36:00.005-04:00

Welcome back to Mofo's World aka The Mofo Chronicles! If this is your first time visiting, I'm warning you now.. I'm not responsible for ish you do while reading this blog...ENJOY!

Now, I told you guys in the last blog about The Social Hour show on Urban Soul Radio..and each week we will discuss a topic, so this week's topic focuses on beauty..what do you do when your "beautiful" self no longer looks the same to you when you look in the mirror? Now we've all had that moment when one minute you are the ish and everyone's trying to holla, etc.. to the next minute, you look in the mirror and realize something ain't the same.. in the words of H-Town.."the thrill is gone".. your looks have faded into oblivion.. OK, I'm exaggerating, but you get the point..
What you talkin bout Meik? Why.. I'm oh so glad you asked!

Stroll with me down memory lane..

Once upon a time, ole Meik had a bad breakup (with that King Mofo-refer to past blogs for that mutha freakin story..) but I digress.. and some other ish going on in my life, stress + alcohol + lots of partying like its 1999 + no sleep atall = weight gain city and no hopes of it falling the hell off..

However, just like any other hard headed mofo, I didn't pay it any attention, until I went to the doctor and got on the scale and bout had my first Fred Sanford style "I'm coming to join ya 'Lizabeth" type of heart attack.. Anyhoo, so at this point I joined the gym, and I worked out, and drank, and worked out, and drank some more, and worked out..OK you get the point here..and moved to a new city, and partied, and worked out.. never slept etc.. a roller coaster of pure de-damn-struction..then finally.. I sobered up and looked in the mirror.. and realized.. this is not me..this is not the Meik that I know.. this is not the Meik that can walk out of this house CONFIDENTLY.. because.. I am no longer what I deemed as "beautiful."

Now don't get misty-eyed and start acting like T.O.on me just yet fam..but what I'm about to say may seem crazy and extreme to some, but to me, it had to be done... to make a long story short, in 2007 I decided to answer an ad for an audition for a weight loss reality show.. which is how I ended up on CMT's show "I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again".. it's a spin off of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team show, and if you have watched and seen the likes of Jay Johnson then you already know.. I was scurred. LOL

The show was about 10 former cheerleaders that someone thought would be a good idea to take a spin on cheer camp and have us in the mofo'n desert in a cabin for 8 weeks, cut off from the world, hell civilization, and all we had to do was work out, eat right, and play nice for the cameras.. WELLLLP if you watched the show.. it was definitely an experience that I will never forget, nor will I ever forget the taste of raw cabbage with thousand island salad dressing (vomi-gag dry heaving over here..)..anyhoo while I was out in Cali, literally sweating my arse off (cuz chile we worked out 3-4x a day..yes I said DAY not week..DAY) and trying to find ways to escape like I had been kidnapped or some ish.. I realized that I had learned some valuable lessons..

1. Weight does not define beauty unless you're one of those scrawny arse models getting paid a helluva lot even then its still sketchy lol.

2. My beauty was not all about how I looked, it was what was within and I discovered then that I had other strengths to focus on like my writing, or making people laugh etc..

3. Meik ain't made to be working out in 108 degree weather or living in no damn cabin with 9 heffas in the middle of nowhere LOL..

4. I'm too old to be trying to get remotely close to my anorexic high school weight..I have jacked up knees, and ankles from years of cheerleading, but I finally have tittays.. I should embrace them.

5. The scale is the debbil's invention. As long as I'm healthy, my clothes fit and I don't look like a vienna sausage in em, I'm gucci..<---- see my attempt at hood slang? lmao

But I say all that to say.. it took me going on a national TV show to realize that I have to be happy with who I am no matter how much I weigh..granted on the show that ya'll got to see, I only lost a couple of pounds, but for those of you that saw me in person.. you know I came home feeling confident, sexier than a mofo and a force to be reckoned with.. fast forward to 2011.. OF COURSE I gained a few of those pounds back, but because I am confident in who I am and love myself, it's okay..I'm Beautiful inside and out! (minus my bouts of moodiness but that ain't what we talm bout right now)

Lesson Learned: Love yourself for more than just what you look like, dig deep within them nooks and crannies and find out what makes you special.. because after all, looks fade away, but what's within your heart stays forever.. Tell me.. (or call into the show on Tuesday!).. Does your beauty define who you are?

Stay Classy..
Meik

Mofo Checkin in and Catchin Up

2011-10-25T00:04:00.004-04:00

Helllurrrrr my dear Mofo Chronicle-ites! It's been a minute, but I'm back. Let me catch you up on a couple of things before I dig my heels back into blogging...

1. You can catch me on twitter @mofochronicles where the foolishness is always ongoing!

2. I write for Soultrain.com so you can make sure you peep out my interviews with some of your favorite old school artists such as Cherrelle, Lenny Williams, Dave Tolliver, H-Town or some of the newer artists such as El Debarge Jr. and Jason Weaver.. yes.. I said Jason Weaver.. aka lil MJ.. aka Teddy from ATL...aka Marcus from Smart Guy.. you get the point.. anyhoo.. that's what has been keeping me hella busy..

3. My newest venture.. Every Tuesday, you can check me out on The Social Hour (website is www.thesocialhr.com get over there and sign the guestbook and show some love!!) The Social Hour can be heard every Tues from 7-9pm PST (adjust accordingly for your time zone) and its just real talk, grown folks conversation, no holds barred on Urban Soul Radio (that website is www.urbansoulradio.fm) so make sure you hit us up, call in and chat with us.. I should tell you, because of the time difference I'm NOT on there the entire show, just a portion, but that shouldn't stop you from tuning in.. there will be a pop quiz! lol. Make sure to like The Social Hour page on facebook too!

Stay Tuned.. its about to get crraaaaazy round cheeaaaaa!!

Meik..

Without a Trace

2011-08-30T00:58:00.005-04:00

Heyyyy Mofo Chronicle-ites!

The good news is I have FINALLY graduated from grad school! YAY..
The bad news is....well.. you might wanna sit down for this one and promise you won't laugh.

Once-ta-pon a time.. I came up with the bright idea that in honor of my idol, future ex uncle in law the late great Michael Jackson I would do something just extra-specialastic.

On August 29th in honor of his 53rd birthday, I took my non cooking arse to the store, bought all the makings of what was gonna be "a healthy dessert"...

eh.. you already know this didn't go the way it should have right?

What happened Meik?

As usual..I'm oh so glad you asked.

KNOWING damn full well, I had a headache, I decided that since I promised MJ in my head that I would make birthday cupcakes in his honor..I MUST forge ahead.. I would hate to disappoint the King of Pop.. (yes I know he wouldn't be able to enjoy the cupcakes..but after you read this..well nevermind.. just keep reading..)

So.. I mix up the ingredients.. Angel Food Cake Mix.. just add water.. stir... my fav kind of recipe. Now, I know some of you are wondering WHY I picked this cake mix.. well.. the box said fat free..that's all I needed to know and I figured with a lil sugar free frosting..this would be semi healthy..right? *shrugs*

So the instructions on the box say that if you make cupcakes you'll end up with 30-35 cupcakes.. hell I might as well have a bake sale, but anyhoo.. I decide I'm only making 12 and throwing the rest of the batter out.. YES I WASTED FOOD AND WHAT?
Don't give me that look.. I have ish to do rather than sit here baking all got doggone night.

So anyhoo.. I put the ish into the lil cupcake thingies and slide into the oven..
moonwalking in the kitchen..sliding around in my socks..singing about cupcakes and Billie Jean.. but, I keep checking to make sure its not overflowing b/c Angel Food cake rises higher than MJ's pants..so, after 20 minutes, I'm thinking ok..this should be ready to come out soon.. I check again.. and what do I find..

sigh..

blink..

blink..

blink...

the cupcake thingies.. empty. No that's not true.. not completely empty.. a lil cupcake residue is left. 12 mofo'n cupcakes..GONE into THIN MOFO'N AIR!!!

You see the pic..the evidence dontcha? Some of my twitter tweepz said put frosting on it and eat the cupcakes anyway.. look closely.. AINT ISH TO FROST!!

If this ain't the debbil's work I don't know what is.

Unless God just knew, I wasn't supposed to eat 12 cupcakes, cuz I dang sho nuff wasn't planning on sharing.

But WHERE ...WHY...HOW..WHAT FURRRRR? WHERE ARE MY CUPCAKES?!

I like to think MJ just got greedy and swooped down when I wasn't looking and carried em back to heaven with his angel wings.. otherwise I'd be at the grocery store tomorrow demanding my money back for these lying ass Angel Food cake mix box instructions that say I can make cupcakes with this ish.

Lesson Learned:
Angel Food cake mix AIN'T to be used for cupcakes..not even for MJ. Next time I'm sticking to wtf I know.. going to the bakery where the ish is already made. Please don't tell my future ex husband..he might think I don't know my way around a kitchen..and trust me.. I know where to hide the ish that's pre-made. LOL..

Happy Birthday MJ .. You are missed!

With L.O.V.E

Meik..

The Problem Solving Mofo

2011-08-11T01:54:00.003-04:00

Hellurrrr my lovely MOFO Chronicle-ites! It's been a crazy few weeks over here...

Have you ever just had one of those days where nothing seems to go right? Car runs out of gas on I-77 during rush hour traffic; you spill your red Kool-Aid (yes I said red) all over your new white shirt; your hands are ashy, baby hair done rolled up and parted ways; you come home to find out the lights and water have been cut off because you forgot to pay the bill; and you just got laid off, and your man is hunching some lil hussy down the street.

Ah yes, the joys of everyday life in the Queen City (or wherever the hell you reside)..

So you pray, fast, meditate, scream, cry, and shout, send out a few tweets ... then on last impulse ... you turn to your group of friends — or with the new Twitter/Facebook craze, you turn to 1,000 of your closest friends.

What to do???

Well, I'm sure everyone knows someone who thinks they know the answer to everything — whether it’s male or female — their answer for EVERYTHING is always the same:

Call the "problem solver"!

Who is that Meik? I'm glad you asked!

Well, lo and behold, it's a bird, it's a plane, no wait, it's Captain Save-A-Hoe's lil brother Captain Long Stroke or his twin sister Princess Puss in (thigh-high) Boots.

Their specialty?

Yep, you got it: Sex you down — problem solved.

Now, I don't know about you my dear readers, but if I tell you that my eyeball just fell out into my hand, a mofo better not fix their lips to tell me that sex is going to solve that. Instead, I'm gonna need someone to call 9-1-1 or drive a sista to the hospital! Let me get my ish re-attached before you have someone getting their freak on!

It amazes me how sex has relaxed beyond it’s "casual" means. Don't get me wrong, sex is a beautiful thing, but come on, can it really solve the fact that coolant is leaking from the car and onto the driveway? Can it REALLY solve the fact that a mofo doesn't know how they are gonna make ends meet and still have food on the table?

Well, on second thought, if you play that gold-digger card it just might get it fixed. But I digress..

At what point in our lives is it time to realize that the "problem solvers" can't actually SOLVE the problem? All it does is makes you forget for a little while, it's purpose is to throw a Band-Aid on it and become a TEMPORARY solution over the real problem.

My advice?

I always follow the rules of the corporate world: business before pleasure.

If you handle your business, things can be solved. Then afterwards, if you wanna call the problem solver to clear out the cob webs, then do you boo boo!

Until later..
Meik..

Survival of the Fittest

2011-07-25T00:21:00.002-04:00

Hey Fam!! *blows the cobwebs off the blog* I AM BACK! I don't know if you missed me, but I sure missed you guys! Anyhoo.. I felt like this blog posting was appropriate since the crazy arse that inspired it was just found guilty of murder on Friday..

The blog is a throwback from 2009 when I was blogging for Creative Loafing Charlotte.. but the message is still an important one..Enjoy!

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Boy meets girl. Boy invites girl over to his house. Girl goes over there and is never heard from again.

Sadly, this scenario occurs most often than not, and most recently in the news with one of the mofos of the year in Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh come on now, if you haven’t been getting your daily dose of CNN, then I suggest you run to the nearest TV: but here’s a Meik version recap, pay attention this is gonna go fast:

An ex marine, convicted rapist/sex offender lures 11 (or more) women to his crib, kills them all, buries them in and around the house like they are nothing but pieces of home decor.

Caught up now? Good. Let’s proceed.

I get that it’s cute and gives you the sniggles when you meet a new Romeo or Juliet and you click, sparks are flying everywhere and all you want to do is spend time with them.

Now, that’s all fine and good, but with the way folks are raising crazy mofos like farmers are growing veggies and ish, you gotta be careful with who you spend time with. I spoke it on it before and all I can do is hope you go back and read the blog called Screening is Essential.

Now, Meik is one cautious chick, granted I think everyone and their mammy is crazy until proven otherwise, but until I’ve had the chance to screen you, there will be NO visiting the house; mine or yours mmk?!

And as for buying me a drink? You got a sista munked up if you think I’m sending you to the bar ALONE to get me a Bacardi and sprite — date rape drug — HELLO??!!!

Going back to the case of the crazy mofo in Cleveland, I, for the life of me cannot understand how or why even women under the influence of crack, alcohol, or any damn thing could remotely listen to his ass and follow him back to his house. Has anyone seen what he looks like?! Granted looks aren’t everything but come on, really?! Further more, I’m not understanding how his small ass (stench and all, because you know that house was funkier than hell and I’m almost positive the smell was coming out his nasty lil pores, but I digress) but I’m not getting why on first sniff, these women didn’t run like hell or try to drown his ass in some soap and water.

Again, I digress, clearly this case has struck a nerve and a half with me.

But if you just HAVE TO please remember the following important things if you don’t listen to shit else I ever say or read another word I write:

1. Always tell someone where you are going, and if you have no friends or fam to speak of, keep your cell phone handy to call 911.

2. Just like my grandma told me, I’m telling ya’ll — Never leave home without your best friend: MACE.

3. If you just have to go to the person’s house. Don’t go alone, take someone with you. However, I just wanna know what happened to meeting folks in public places when you haven’t known each other very long?

4. Google is another good friend, and hell nowdays so is all the social networking sites, you know someone is gonna know his/her crazy ass. Do your research ahead of time so you don’t get caught up in no crazy situations.

5. This one is just for future reference: if you go to a mofos house and it smells rotten as hell in there oh let’s say like decomposing bodies. It probably ain’t the damn trash that stinks — that mofo probably been up to no good — don’t you watch Lifetime Movie Network?!

Lesson Learned: Stay alert, and always notify someone of where you are going. But if all else fails, kick that mofo where the sun don’t shine and RUN! Be safe out there fam

Love ya'll!
Meik

L.O.V.E. Letter

2011-06-24T12:48:00.002-04:00

What's happenin fam? Many of you that follow my blog know I posted a Letter to My First Love after MJ passed away in 2009. With it being 2 years on 6/25 I felt like writing another one. It's kind of rough, but I wanted to share it with you..
With the L.O.V.E
Meik..

***********************************************

Dear MJ,

It’s been two long years since God called you home, and you were Gone too Soon.
I Remember the Time when I first fell in love..
I was a PYT when I first heard your voice through my parents stereo, every note, lyric and the beat made me want to Rock With You and Blame it on the Boogie. I couldn’t help but ask Who Is It and I learned very quickly that you were about to be responsible for forever changing the world of music as we knew it at the time.
As I sat glued to the television watching you debut the infamous moonwalk across the stage. I dreamed that just maybe I could one day be a Dancing Machine.. then I realized me with my accident prone self trying to slide across the floor in my socks could be Dangerous.
I respected your hustle, because your diligence, creativity, persistence, and phenomenal talent broke down barriers and paved the way for the future. I thank you for that, because who knows where the state of music and music videos would be today.
I still can't watch Thriller without remembering the sleepless nights I had wondering if a mummy was going to bust out of the floor and snatch me up. But that never stopped me from wanting to be the object of your affection in your short films aka videos, but that’s just The Way You Make Me Feel, like I could be your Liberian Girl changing the world just like in the movies. Sometimes, I often thought to myself, I Wanna be Where You Are, but then again, in my head I was your Girlfriend. Sounds Off the Wall doesn’t it?
I love that there is no other performer that could bring an entire crowd to tears with just their mere stage presence without uttering a single word…that uncanny ability is Bad.
No matter how big of an international sensation you became, you took the time to try to Heal the World and make sure that we knew that it was time to make a change by starting with the Man in the Mirror.
When others tried to imitate you, I wanted them to just keep it In the Closet because it just wasn't the same.
While some wondered about your eccentric ways, I knew better. Game recognizes game. You knew just how to strike a chord with your finely tuned public relations savvy..but when it got out of hand and the tabloids kept hitting you below the belt, seems like they always Wanna be Starting Something, but you didn't let that deter you. Instead you retaliated and told them in only a way that you can, Leave Me Alone...
Al Sharpton called it like it was.. you were never what they referred to as a freak, you just learned how to deal with a freakish situation. No one could possibly understand being in the public eye for more than 40 years. Then again, it’s the media, They Don’t Care About Us, so I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to have to Scream! I would have told all of those mofos to Beat It!

As I got older, I felt I had to Ease on Down the Road but I never strayed too far. I began my affair with hip hop, and R&B. Say, Say, Say, I found out the hard way, none of them could hold a candle to you. I came back, and This Time Around, I wasn’t going anywhere. My love for you was Unbreakable.
As the years went by, I barely recognized you, but, it never really mattered to me if you were Black or White because you still gave me Butterflies. Every song, every video, every dance step made me want to Jam and to this day, I still do.

Finally, at 50 years old you uttered the words I longed to hear... you announced your comeback tour, I knew that at that moment, the King of Pop was back and I could once again Smile... music was about to return to the way it should be, the way I remembered...
But before you could hit the stage, the unthinkable happened.
Your final curtain call came sooner than expected. This is it.
June 25, 2009 my heart shattered into pieces as I watched the news in absolute horror..all I could do was blink and blank stare at the TV and at my twitter timeline..and whisper Tell me I’m Not Dreaming.

Because just like that..
Another Part of Me now gone from my Childhood.
A world without MJ means there Ain’t no Sunshine.. And I can’t continue to question Why so I just have to chalk it up to Human Nature. I suppose there’s no exact way to tell the angels that Heaven Can Wait, because You Can’t Win that battle.
Besides, God needed you to entertain his heavenly angels. Don’t you worry, I no longer Cry but instead I celebrate the legacy you left behind because I Just Can’t Stop Loving You.One thing is for certain,
I Never Can Say Goodbye to my first love...especially to a man that crooned to me I’ll be There.. if only we had One More Chance.
You will be in my heart Forever Michael..
RIP Michael J. Jackson, King of Pop

Love,
Meik

More of the Real Dealz

2011-05-06T00:49:00.005-04:00

What’s happening fam? I hope you got the opportunity to check out Dealz and his father Jackie Jackson on the Monique Show on May 4th, if you didn’t you missed a helluva interview and performance. First, Jackie has got to be the finest 60 year old I’ve ever seen, he’s so got doggone smooth and laid back its ridiculous. I love him. Second, I always knew Dealz was a cutie, but forget that, he is beyond FINE. The Monique show was Dealz first national television performance and I was impressed, granted I already love the song “That’s How I Feel,” but seeing him actually perform it with no lip synching ish going on and his lil two step, well let’s just say he had me about to tell him how I feel LOL. But seriously, Dealz did a great job for his first performance and I’m extremely proud of him, my mother on the other hand can’t stop talking about him, and that’s huge, she doesn’t listen to rap and doesn’t like it, but you throw on a Dealz track and she is grooving. I love that he has a sense of humor, if you caught the interview with Monique, then you know exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I just wanted to give Dealz his props for his performance before I jump into Part II. I also want to take a second to thank each and every one of you that have read the blogs on this site as well as my guest blog entry on www.sound-savvy.com, I appreciate it more than you can ever know. Enough mushy stuff.. here's Part II. Enjoy!

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Poetry In Motion: More of The Real Dealz By Shameika Rene’

As you’ve already read, Dealz is certainly a man that stands out, but what you don’t know is despite his last name, he’s pretty grounded. “I’ve been through alot and being in this business has taught me a whole new level of patience,” says Dealz. I’m a very normal guy, I didn’t moonwalk, my uncle did.” (Should I mention here that I still can’t moonwalk despite all my efforts at sliding across the kitchen floor in my socks?)

Just like his aunts and uncles, Dealz appreciates everyone that supports his music, “using the word fans is so degrading, I prefer to call them friends that I just haven’t met yet.” He’s very approachable, as long you don’t come out the side of your neck with some mess, so a word of advice, if you see him out, be respectful, he’s human just like you are. Treat people the way you want to be treated. That's the end of my sermon.

Now some of you may be scratching your heads trying to figure out where you’ve seen Dealz before. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. Remember that swexxy man on the Harley at the end of Aaliyah’s “One in a Million” video? Yep, that’s Dealz. (I’ll wait while you run to YouTube to check. I ain’t lying, that’s him!) Or maybe you’ve seen him in the movie “Biker Boyz”, or more recently, maybe you’ve seen him on my favorite reality show “The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty.” Regardless of where you may have seen him, you definitely haven’t seen the last of Dealz. He is a force to be reckoned with and intent on bringing “good music” back to the forefront. “My uncle Michael gave a piece of his soul every time he wrote a song or stepped onto the stage to sing, and that’s what I aim to do every time I perform. The day I give up giving a piece of my soul, is the day I’ll stop doing music,” says Dealz. (THIS is why I luv he.)

Dealz is also all about the spreading the message of L.O.V.E. just like his uncle, “It’s all about sending a message and being able to help. People have forgotten how to live and realize that it’s okay to help people, its okay to be kind to those that are in trouble. My uncle always said there is nothing like being able to help others.” *cues “Heal the World”*

When Dealz isn’t in the studio or performing, you can find him following his other passion, “anything that burns gas, motorcycles, muscle cars, you name it.” While he’s no stranger to burning up the road himself, he’s also an avid race fan that enjoys watching everything from Rally Racing to NASCAR.

Dealz is also good with his hands (oh the things I want to say, but can’t since I’m being a respectable southern gal), but he even builds cars! “I’ve always been into cars and bikes, my father used to race in celebrity races, and when my cousins were off playing, I’d be the one with my Uncle Tito building carburetors. I love anything that burns gas and goes fast,” says Dealz. (Somehow I don’t think he means fast girls, I’m just saying)

Dealz is also fueling his passion for cars by honoring Michael Jackson’s memory, “We just built a custom dedication vehicle to my Uncle Michael named Melody. It’s a 2005 black and red Mustang with custom interior, with about 550 Horsepower under the hood.” I’m sure Michael would have loved it since that car is Bad! (Pun totally intended!)

Oh yeah ladies, Dealz is single, but he’s married to the music business right now. (I just love me a man that’s about his business don’t you?) So, for now, (or right after you run to iTunes and purchase his single “That’s How I Feel”) you can follow him on twitter @OfficialDealz or check out his website www.officialdealz.com. Tell him Meik sent ya.

The Real 'Dealz'

2011-05-02T22:09:00.007-04:00

Hellurrrr Lovebugs!
I know it's been a minute, but trust me, this blog post means more to me than you can ever know. I swore I was done with spotlighting non-mofos until this opportunity fell into my lap.

If you follow me on twitter, or hell pay close enough to my blogs, then you already know that I am a huge fan of the black folks royal fam.

Still clueless?

Lemme give you another hint.. without the vision of a crane operator from Gary, Indiana and a woman of strength, wisdom and nurturing, today’s entertainment world would be completely different. **ill wait while you think about that**

Still clueless?

Well, for those of you that aren’t on the shawt bus, yes you got it..I’m talking about THE JACKSONS!<------ insert an ear piercing squeal here!

First let me explain why this is huge to me, growing up I knew there was one thing that I wanted to do more than anything in this world and that was to work in television or radio. I also knew that my goal was to one day interview one of the Jacksons, more specifically, Michael Joseph Jackson. He's the man that showed every last one of us that hard work, dedication and talent can make dreams come true. The man that showed us that its possible to break down barriers and make a name for ourselves, and to help those that are less fortunate. On a more personal level, MJ showed me that its okay to be creative and to follow your vision despite the naysayers. Look at all of his groundbreaking short films, dance moves, his life in general. So for that alone, that man meant a lot to me and it pushed me every time someone called me (and ya’ll mofos still do) weird, or crazy, or whatever.. As any budding journalist, I did the research on the entire family, but unfortunately, I never got the chance in this lifetime to meet or talk to the man I admired. So with that being said, being able to talk to one of his family members is HUGE..

Needless to say, I got my networking on and I got the opportunity to chat with one of the Jacksons, and let me tell you, I was a complete nervous wreck ALL DAY.. but once we got the ball rolling on the convo, I felt completely at ease (after all, in my head we're family...). Since this blog is a bit longer than the guest blog I did for www.sound-savvy.com, (make sure you check it out) this one will be a 2 part blog. So without further ado.. Here's part one:

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Poetry In Motion: The Real Dealz by Shameika Rene'

Allow me to introduce to you a man that has effortlessly captured the essence of what it means to pour your heart and soul into your craft. He’s not the soft spoken type of Jackson that we are all used to, instead, Siggy Jackson better known as Dealz is probably that one Jackson that they don’t want you to know about. He’s the Jackson that you just never know what he might say, but ultimately, Dealz is one of the nicest, most down to earth type of guys that I’ve EVER had the pleasure of talking to, and actually enjoyed the conversation.

Dealz is the son of Jackie Jackson, yes, ya’ll...that means the late undisputed King of Pop, Michael Jackson is his uncle, but slow ya roll, that’s not the point of the blog.

Who is Dealz?

I’m glad you asked..

Dealz Jackson is a talented rapper and songwriter, motorcycle and car enthusiast, and a pretty normal guy. (and if I can help it..nevermind….this ain't about that right now..I digress..)

In a family full of singers, Dealz was the one that ventured into his own lane, “when we did talent shows when I was a kid, in front of my aunts and uncles, that’s nerve wracking enough, but everyone else was singing and I always rapped. Singing has never been my strong suit, and I won’t hide behind a façade and say it is. Besides, rap is in my heart, to me it’s more poetic,” says Dealz. “Rap has always been considered as gangsta music, but it’s actually just more passionate than anything.”

And boy does Dealz have a way with words. His new single “ That's How I Feel” features his father Jackie and his uncle Jermaine Jackson. (if you know what I know, you’ll run to iTunes right now and purchase it cuz its fiyyyaaaahhhh!!) Combined with their smooth sultry timeless vocals, Dealz adds lyrics that give off a sensual poetic vibe “My father and uncle came to me with the song already finished, they said they didn’t know what else to do with it, so I said, let me have it, I know exactly what to do with it. The song is me basically telling my father how I feel about women. You don’t have to call women names and demean and degrade them just to have a song.”

I swear this song has me feeling some kind of way every time I listen to it, and no I won’t share those feelings, that’s between me and God and Dealz (yes I told him, don’t judge me). He also writes all of his songs, “there’s no Milli Vanilli stuff going on over here, I do it all.” *swoon*

Dealz is one lucky guy, he has the opportunity of a lifetime that most artists will never get to witness up close and personal, and that is the Jackson magic in the studio, “It’s a great feeling watching my father and uncle work together again after all these years, seeing them being able to pull everything together is awesome.”

His album isn't expected to drop until sometime over the summer, but a few more singles will be released first. (no I'm not telling you which ones.. you have to WAIT for it like the rest of the world).. However, Dealz promises me that a hot video for the single, “That's How I feel” is on the way. (Dang it..I was hoping I could make a cameo and be his video chick, eh well…maybe next time )

Don’t think that Dealz just hopped into the music game because of who his family is, “Music has always been a part of me, but I decided to pursue it because I wanted to bring a change to music. It’s not about the money or material things, for me music is more about helping others, if they get something out of the music, then I’ve done my job”...spoken like a man that knows how to follow his heart and passion.

Despite being a Jackson, Dealz is all about paving his own way. “Nothing has ever been handed to me; I have worked hard for everything that I have. I went through a lot to get here. I started out doing street promotions for artists and have worked my way up from there, it’s important that I do continue to represent my family, but more importantly continue to respect the name and brand that they have worked to build.”

Dealz listens to all kinds of music, and just like me, he loves old school music, but for who he’d like to work with in the future he says, “it’s hard to pick out a couple of artists because there is so much talent out there. It comes down to who wants to work with me, and who the Lord picks to work with me.” lawd ya'll.. that man.. just .. whew.. fine, talented, and loves the Lord **passes out**

This my friends..is the end of part one.. but until I post part deux (that's 2 for the shawt bus folks) you can follow Dealz on twitter @OfficialDealz and catch him and his father Jackie on the Monique Show on May 4th at 11pm on BET...

Ya'll stay classy!

Meik..

Purple Rain with Thunder n' Lightning

2011-03-26T00:43:00.008-04:00

What's happening sweet peas?! First let me start by saying this: IF you have the opportunity to see Prince in concert.. GO!!!! You won't regret it! I am still in shock that I was breathing the same air as his purple badness but that's not the point of this blog.. what happened after the concert is. This is why I should learn to not make eye contact with folks or speak when spoken to.

What you mean Meik?

oooooooh I'm glad you asked!

I went to the concert with two of my gal pals and as we were leaving, what I thought was a sweet 62 year old gentleman (sn: he's white) smiles at us, and of course, we have manners so we smile back.. I'm gonna call him "NYC" ..make it a lil easier..

Now hold on.. put your drink down..this is gonna go fast and I can't be responsible if you choke on whatever's in your red plastic cup..

Good? Ok keep reading..

Mr. NYC says.. "hey, do ya'll like pink?"

Blink blink blink.. now if you know me.. you already know my mind went completely left and I have the "say what now" look on my face until I realize..he has on a pink shirt, with pink cuff links.. OH. he means his outfit..not what's down below. blink.

He even boiled his diamond earrings in water so they'd shine. hey.. don't get mad at me.. I don't make this ish up..that's what his arse told us.. but them thangs was shining like hell.. I'm just saying.

So he informs us that this is his second time seeing Prince and he offers to buy us some tshirts after rambling on and on about how he loves to dance and black women love to see him dance (I swear I think he said that ish for my benefit..cuz I was the only obvious black girl standing there..my one friend can pass either way, and the other girl was white)..

So.. we head to the tshirt table..and everything in my soul is saying DON'T DO IT RECONSIDER..TAKE YO AZZ HOME.. next thing I know.. ole NYC is feeling willy nilly and unbuttoning his shirt.. gray chest hairs swirling all out in the open and he RETCHES down in his MURSE and pulls out some cologne and squirts the ish all over his neck, and probably half of my friend's face..he whips open his wallet to pay for our tshirts..and then he announces "I hope I get something for these $40 tshirts I just bought and I don't mean a thank you"..

Oh gawd..

I'm hyperventilating..and my soul is still screaming.. TAKE YO AZZ HOME.. but the two heffas I'm with have now become buddy buddy with NYC's sidekick that I just noticed was standing there along with 2 other chicks.. geez.. we have a whole lil private party huh?

So we figure..what's the harm in one drink at Mez? Nothing is wrong..specially since he said he'd pay for it LOL..

hey.. don't judge.. you know damn hell well you'd be all about this mofo too.. tho red flags are popping up left and right..

Especially the lil flag when he cracked open his murse and said " hey I got some joints in here..ya wanna smoke?" uh no sir..no ma'am no girl.. no way.

Fast forward to Mez..those heffa bishes sit on the other side of the table so I am the lucky one that gets to sit beside NYC.. so you ALREADY KNOW this ain't even about to go down like it should.

He leans over and asks for some gum.. oh ok..kool so I RETCH in my purse and pull out a stick of gum and hand it to him.. he shakes his head.

Oh..silly me.. so i unwrap it..and try to toss it in his wide open mouth.. and just when I think I'm in the clear....

SCHLLLLLLLLURRRRRRRPPPP..

Yeah.. mouth closed on my finger..sucking it.

omg.

omg.

I can't breathe.

I manage to get my finger back and just as I'm about to get my ass up to flee to the bathroom THIS MOFO unbuttons his shirt even more..informs me that he doesn't wear underwear and reaches over and runs his finger all up under my chin and licks his finger.

*faints* eww. just ewww.

He then jumps up and says..wait.. I swear fo gawd.. I am not making this ish up..

He says: I WANT A MENAGERIE.

blink.
blink.
blink.

hmmm. Now.. I ain't claiming to be a damn genius..but a menagerie is where the hell you keep got dayum animals. The poor dear pointed at the three of us and repeated the ish..MENAGERIE! I HOLLARED. I said ya'll he means ménage à trois and his arse ain't getting that ish from over cheaaaaa..

Two of us make our escape to the bathroom..and I being the country mofo-tastical heffa I can be kicked off my glitter boots and sat my lil self on the sink to drink my margarita as we plotted on how to get out of this situation.. welllllp.. I'm a resourceful gal ya know.. so I showed some chick in the bathroom a pic of my other friend (since the heffa wasn't responding to my text messages of RET TA GO NOW) and finally got her away from NYC..

Funny thing is.. NYC had to leave anyway.. apparently his wife told him to bring his arse home.

Oh and don't you worry.. I washed my hand and face REPEATEDLY until I dang near rubbed the color off..

So the moral of this story is this.. don't talk to strangers or accept gifts like Prince tshirts and drinks.. eh well...maybe that part was worth it? LOL..I blame Prince.. he got mofos thinking ish like this is sexy. that is all.

Until later..

Stay classy!
Meik

Dolla Dolla Billz Ya'll

2011-03-18T00:35:00.004-04:00

HELLLLURRRRRRR **in my Madea voice** I have heard I've been missed and guess what suga dumplings? I've missed you too!!
I started to write about one thing tonight, but something is just pulling and tugging at my soul right now.. maybe its leftover propofol (that's another story).. I don't know..

But I was chatting with a friend about places to meet folks and this ish popped up in my head and I've been dying laughing ever since.

Stroll with me down memory lane.. (I told ya'll I bout got Conrad Murray'd so I can't recall the date or year right now).. antyhoo..

I'm minding my own lil biz-nass chatting it up with a friend of mine over 3 dollar martinis.. (oh how I miss a good ole glass of alcohol..I digress)..

First lemme stop right here.. lemme set this scene.. two single chicks.. sipping on drinks kee-kee'ing it up.. and a mofo slinks his way over trying to holla at ONE of the chicks.. the one in question of course is me. ooh happy joy joy!

The conversation is awkward, as it is when one tries to holla at one chick with 2 sitting there.. which reminds me, ya'll mofos are bold as hell aintcha?

Anyway.. to make a long story short.. I being the good drunk I was raised to be have already downed a couple martinis working on a couple more.. we ask for the checks.. cuz we're ready to wrap this ish up and make this mofo kick rocks ya heard?

I just can't.

I can't tell ya'll the AUDACITY of a mofo right now..

ok you twisted my arm..

This ninja.. in the words of my auntie RETCHES his hand under the table to hand me some wadded up cash.

Oh yes..u heard me right..

He leans over and says.. "that's for your drinks..."

now.. I'm no mathematician and can barely balance a checkbook but what I do know is 3 or 4 $3 martinis don't equal $5.

blink

blink

blink

For the life of me.. I don't understand his logic... but I aint but so got dayum crazy.. I just took it, thanked him and paid the rest myself LOL..

Lesson Learned: hell ain't one.

Ya'll be good..

Meik

Mingling with Mofos

2011-02-10T22:31:00.002-05:00

What up fam? With CIAA approaching us in the Queen City.. I thought now would be a good time to dig into my blog bag.. this post was the first one I wrote for Creative Loafing in 2009.. Enjoy!

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Remember the days of those middle school dances … boys on one side of the room, the girls on the other?

Your favorite jam comes on … you sway, maybe even two step a lil’ bit … hoping and praying and wishing upon every star there is that one of them mofos on the other side of the room will step to you?

Both sides of the room start staring each other down, then bashfully looking away, then taking a chance to take a sneak peek to see if they might be looking?

Well, the social scene in the Queen City as a grown-ass adult … is no different.

For the life of me I cannot understand why its so hard to mingle with folks at social events. I thought maybe it’s a fluke, but after hitting up a few parties over the past couple of years — same ole ish, different day/party

Some say it’s because of the cliques that have formed, others say its because, simply put, it is what it is.

So I just had to put together a list of helpful hints so that mixing and mingling is a lil’ less Queen City Middle School-esque:

1. Fellas: If a female walks up to you and says hello … there’s absolutely no need for you to start displaying bitchassness qualities by freaking out like she’s trying to propose. All the mofo said was “HELLO” … a simple “HELLO” in response is all we are asking for.

2. Ladies: If a man buys you a drink, it don’t mean you have to give up the drawz. Take the drink and keep it moving. And men, if we accept the drink, that DOES NOT mean we are now damn-near engaged and you are going to the crib for the night. It is what it is. You bought the drink. Thanks.

3. Staring is just rude. At least do the 3 second rule: Look, hold three seconds, then turn ya damn head. Or put on your big boy boxers or your big girl thongs and open your mouth and speak.

4. I get that you came to the party/event with your crew, but cliques are soooooo 90s. Break out of the group and mingle! Networking is so NOW!

5. And lastly, if you finally make that move to mingle and you are met with a blank stare and a rapid succession of blinks (as I’m known to give folks), don’t give up. Just say nice meeting you and take your ass on to the next person…

Lesson Learned: Fam, we are grown. Time to ditch the security blanket called your clique once we enter a social event. Hell, you never know who you might meet

Put some STANK on it

2011-01-31T23:59:00.005-05:00

Oncetaupon a time there was a naïve fool named Meik that just had to jump into dating before she was ready in 2006...and yet another tale for the Mofo Chronicles...

This particular stud I met on a social networking site I think, but since he worked with someone I knew and I had already done my "research" I decided to proceed. (insert eye roll..cuz just cuz it's me.. you know it didn't even go the way it was supposed to..)

What happened Meik?

OOOOOOOH I'm so glad you finally got around to asking!

So we decided to go out to dinner for our first date and we met at the restaurant cuz u already know a mofo ain't coming to the crib..

We get there..everything is kool..he's way cuter than his pics and tall and muscular woooo jeeeezus...BUT...has a slight temper issue..but hell who doesn't..

First red flag: I dropped my napkin and when I leaned under the table ya'll aint gonna believe what the f I saw..

What was it Meik?

I can't.

I just......

No.. I'm not gonna tell you.

sigh.

Ok. You twisted my arm.. I'll tell you.

This mofo had taken his timbs off like he at home..mismatched socks and a slight stench.

Tha hell?

Now how the hell am I pose to sit back up and look at him without dying laughing?

wooo saaaaaaaaa get it together..

Finally.. I sat up.. and ya'll know I can't just NOT say something.. so I said "oh wow, took ya shoes off huh?"

Him: "yeah, I figure if I am gonna pay to eat out, I should feel like I'm at home..nah mean?"

blink. blink. blink. blink.

Me: "uhhh... no." (As I bite my tongue to ask if he washed his mofo'n socks..hell feet for that matter)..

Him: "I'm saying yo.. a man has to be comfortable while he's eating.. and if I wanna take my shoes off then that's what I'm gonna do."

**blank stare**

Despite that lil mishap...things were okay.. til it was time to go. He walked me to my car.. and some guys were walking to their car..that was parked beside me..

Now.. once again, you KNOW this couldn't just be a simple goodbye..deuces.. hollarations type of joint..go our separate ways never to talk to each other again right?

Second Red Flag: Mofo looks at the guys..they look over at us.. and my mofo'n date snaps..

Him: "YO WTF YOU LOOKIN AT SON? I GOT HEAT..blah blah blah blah blah (I was in such a blank stare horrifical state yes HORRIFICAL..that I couldn't process the rest of what he was saying)

They just shake their heads and keep walking.. meanwhile Nutty MCNutt over here keeps on screeching about them looking over at us.

So finally I try to diffuse the situation and say..I don't think they were STARING or anything..they just glanced over here..no biggie..

But you know as well as I do..You can't talk crazy off that ledge sometimes.. so he stomps after them..

Now.. my good and damn sense kicked in..I got in my car and bounced..

This mofo texted me and called for days wanting to know when we gonna go out again.

umm.

MOFO.

NEVER.

Lesson Learned: First red flag.. BOUNCE. That is all. The end.

Stay Classy and Wear your Shoes out in Public..

Until Later..
Meik

Pop that Mofo'n Trunk

2011-01-18T23:23:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year Fam! (ok so it's halfway through the first month of the year, but hey..I operate on CP Time round cheeaaa)

So far in the new year the only mofo-astic like material I have to report on is my own ish.. I'm a danger to myself I tell ya.

What you mean Meik?

I'm glad you asked..this will be short and sweet cuz I'm on the injured list right now..

Me being the impatient person that I am at times, decided I needed to get back to my own car immediately so I used my sisters car..now, I hate driving anyone else's car because you just don't know the quirks of em..like mine for example, only I know the tricks to make it start when it decides to act a donkey..and only I know how she acts (oh yeah my car is a SHE..she's a moody ole heffa)..

So as I get the car to my sisters house to swap cars.. I jump out to grab my purse out of the trunk.
Trunk open..
I see my purse..lean in to grab..and right before I get it in my hand..

BAM!

The mofo'n got dayum trunk falls on my head.

Lemme stop right here to let you imagine the expletives that I'm sure you know came out of my mouth.

Now here's where I must thank the gawds of whomever created the half wig..cuz I just so happened to have one on and thank gawd I didn't feel like doing my own damn hair that night..the wig protected my head! Lawd how I love thee half wig..(Hell I wonder if I can get this ish bronzed and put in a frame or something since it saved my life? hmmmm lol...shhh dont judge me and yes I wear half wigs even tho I have long hair and what?)

Had that lovely investment of a wig not have stood in the way of me and that damn trunk I probably would have been laid out on the ground waiting for my sister to find me and when she did find me lawd knows her lil fool self would've screeched about me leaving the car door and trunk open verses my well being..but I digress.

My daddy the pretend doctor of the family informed me that I don't have a concussion because my eyes aren't swollen. Never mind the knot on my head, or the fact my head hurts like a mofo, or the fact that the room is always spinning. I'm oh so glad Dr. Mofo is able to diagnose me over the phone LOL.

So I ventured to doctor, and got me a CT Scan..and rest is about the only thing that will heal this ratchet headache..that and some pain pillz..

Lesson here is this: Make sure the mofo'n trunk of the car is up..and in position before you lean in to get ish out. When that ish falls on your head, it sho nuff don't feel good.

I shall resume my regular blogging schedule AFTER my head returns to its normal state.. then again.. what is normal? I am the Mofo Queen..

Until Later..

Meik..

The Long Goodbye

2010-12-30T23:51:00.004-05:00

Hola Amigos! Ok f it..I'm sticking to my normal salutations and greetings cuz each one gets even more ridiculous..
Wow.. 2010 has flown by hasn't it..(check out that fancy schmancy MJ Calendar)!? As I sit here and reflect on the roller coaster of a year it's been I totally intended to blog about the top mofos of the year, but that's not what's on my heart right now. This year brought about the death of my granny. I swore I couldn't and wouldn't blog on her death, but I think it honestly is the only way I am going to bring some sense of closure to this year. So forgive me in advance this may be a bit long.
May 25 at 7am my phone rang..and I thought that was odd that the phone would be ringing that early unless someone had lost their everlasting mind, and it was my dad, but this time he hadn't gone completely crazy.. He told me: "Granny is gone."

blink.

blink.

blink.

How could this be? How could a woman that raised a basketball team of kids be gone so soon? I thought she was just in the hospital with pneumonia and she'd fight it and be cussing us all out within a few days. Where's the granny that made the bomb poundcake? Where's the granny that could get away with cussing my daddy up one side and the other and dare him to talk out the side of his neck? More importantly, why didn't I take my azz down to SC to see her before she died? It was like a replay of what had happened with my grandfather just 10 years before, he died in the hospital, yet again.. I didn't go when my gut instincts told me to. I missed out on telling both of them goodbye.

But anyway, I don't want this blog to be sad and sappy.. I wanted to finally share some of what happened at the fune. (yes..FUNE)..

Lawd help us all..I don't know why the preacher couldn't pronounce a doggone thing correctly ya'll but by the time she hit that 5th "Tab-a-nacka" (aka Tabernacle) I WAS DONE. Not to mention I have my evil little sister elbowing me in the side..so by that 5th one.. I was crying but burst out laughing uncontrollably..lawd I hope granny understood I just couldn't hold that ish.. so I put my face in my purse..and my sister is rubbing my back hollaring LET IT OUT SWEETIE..JUST LET IT OUT!! did I mention I can't stand her sometimes?! LOL

Then I don't know who came up with the brilliant idea to let random folks speak about granny. My uncle spoke, a neighbor spoke, then some man gets up to speak.
Fam, hear me when I tell you ..NOBODY knew who this man was but he said such nice things.
1. He said my granny loved music and when he visited her in the nursing home, she just loved to hear him sing.

um. blink. blink. blink.

Granny was NEVER in a nursing home...but er uh..ok. blink.

2. He talked about their visits every time he saw her at the nursing home and the things they'd talk about.

ummmm....at this point I'm looking around like is anyone else listening to this ish?

My uncle looks at me like WTF?

Then it hits me..this mofo think he at someone else's funeral.. possibly my OTHER grandmother.

oh geez..it's too late to stop this mofo..cuz he's on a roll. He's sniffling and talking about how nice of a person she was blah blah blah and blah.

So I lean over to my sister and ask if this mofo even bothered to look in the casket that's behind him cuz he ain't stopping for ish.

He finally wraps it up after he realizes the entire room is blank staring at him. I wanted so bad to raise my hand, but I think granny was looking out cuz I couldn't lift my arm for ish. She knew I was bout to say some ish.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but just writing this blog has made me cry and laugh at the same time. The one thing I can take away from 2010 is something my granny told me the last time I saw her alive, she told me not to work so much that I can't stop to enjoy life and spend time with family. When I think about it, work is what kept me from getting to see both her and my grandfather before they died..
but anyhoo.. She also told me that KING MOFO wasn't ish years ago and I wished to gawd I had listened to that advice LOL..but anyway, I'm comforted in knowing she's reunited with my grandfather and aunts and they are all watching over me and my family. I hope in 2011 we'll continue to make them proud. I also plan to take granny's advice and not work so much..after all, I got a husband to find in 2011 LOL (don't ya'll say ISH.)

Happy New Year fam!
Meik

'Let it Go' Mofo..

2010-12-26T14:34:00.006-05:00

Happy Holidays Fam!
I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays with family and friends old and new. As for me.. I came up to Asheville, NC to visit the family and unfortunately got what everyone and their mammy was asking for: A WHITE CHRISTMAS...complete with up to 8-10 inches of the white fluffy stuff with a side of ice.

For us in the mountains that means SNOWED THE F IN.. but hey.. whatevs.. its kool..for now.. so being that the roads are filled with ice and snow, my sister and I decide to walk to the Family Dollar that's down the street.

Just cuz it's me..you know I have a wonderful story to tell about the adventure right?

What happened Meik?

I'm glad you asked..

First the walk to the store was a slippery sliding mess..but that's not the point of this blog..

Antyway.. there's not a whole lot of people in the Family Dollar..so we're just wandering around looking at ish we aren't going to buy in order to warm up before we make the trek back to the house.

Door flings open..

In walks in Ray Ray and his boo..his boo has a black and mild lit up (now..excuse me, but shouldn't she put that ish out before coming INSIDE the store? I mean I'm no health inspector or whatever the ish is called but errrr the sign on the door clearly says NO SMOKING..maybe they should add.. NO SMOKING ANYTHING PERIOD INSIDE..*shrug*)

Her: Merry Chrimuh!!

Next thing I know.. all I hear across the store is:

are ya'll ready for this..?

Her: Scruse me.. Scruse me! I'M LOOKING FOR DA PERM WIT KEYSHIA COLES ON IT.

**crickets** (in my head: Keyshia COLES...mmk)

Now..you know I'm nosey..so I turn around and walk over to grab my sister and bam...we run right into them..

Her: Scruse me..do ya'll know who **puff on the black and mild** Keyshia Coles is?

Me: Yes..

Her: Well, dey done sent me up here to da sto' **puff on the black and mild** sent me up here to get da Keyshia Coles perm.

blink. blink. blink.

My Sister: Uhhhhhh...I don't know what perm that is.

Ray Ray then informs us all that he knows who Keyshia COLES is..and he turns and goes to the ethnic beauty products section (I swear I hate that they call it that..but anyway..)and of course, cuz we are nosey as hell, we follow em.

Her: What da hell Keyshia Coles look like **puff on black and mild**

Me: cough cough
Uhhh..I don't see her on any of the boxes but there's LeToya from Destiny's Child on that box.

Her: Dey tole me to get the one with Keyshia Coles on it.

Ray Ray: I don't see her on here. Just get the Dark and Lovely.

Her: NO! We pose to get Keyshia Coles Perm not no dark and lovely.

Chick keeps looking at me (I have on a hat and sunglasses and scarf so my face is covered the hell up).. She says she knows me from somewhere..

Me: Uhhhhh naw.. I don't think so.

Her: YEP I SHOLE DO.. You in my class at AB-Tech..

Me: blink blink blink.. uhh naw.. (my sister gives me a look to shut it up cuz I was about to inform her that I have never gone to school there and am in grad school at this particular moment blah blah)

Her: mmmmk.. **puffs on black and mild** You thank they got dat Keyshia Coles perm at da Dolla General? They probably do.. let's go there.

Me: Uhhh they sell perms there so they might. blink blink (I ain't crazy..I just co-sign with crazy and ghetto folkz cuz I ain't tryin to get burnt with that black and mild)..

Her: Come on..SHE said they got it at Dolla General. Merry Chrimuh. **puffs on black and mild**

Me: Merry Christmas. blink blink blink

My sister: You betta hope they have that damn Keyshia Cole perm at the Dollar General or she gonna come back looking for you..

sigh.. My sister and I agree: Just because Keyshia Cole's face is all over the box doesn't mean that she uses the perm and/or that a mofo's hair is gonna look just like hers. **shrug**

Lesson Learned: Mind my own biznass. Black folkz just make me tired sometimes. If you gonna send someone to the store to get you some ish.. can you please have the CORRECT name and EXACT product of what you sending them to the store for?It saves other shoppers nerves especially when mofos ain't on their job like they are supposed to be.

Happy Holidays!

Meik

That's a no-no mofo!

2010-12-19T23:57:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays!! And can we also throw in a WAY TO GO CAROLINA PANTHERS on your SECOND win this season!! **moonwalks, spins, then dougies** now that I've gotten that out of the way..

Thanks to a friend, I got to go to the Panthers last home game.. and it was colder than a polar bears toenails but it was all good.. UNTIL.. now ya'll know me.. and you already got doggone know this game didn't go without some type of mess popping off.

So because the tickets were free, we were all sitting in separate sections, so me and one of my friends are two sections over from the other two folks we came with..no biggie.. but we are in the nosebleed section..but hey..free is free right?

Anyhoo as we began our climb up the stadium stairs..the mofo in front of me keeps stopping every few steps.. then I see folks that he obviously knows tell him to quit holding up people behind him.. so he turns to me..and says "I'm sorry, I just had to rest for a sec.." Of course, I don't have a problem cuz my knee is being real janky right at that moment, mad as hell that we just walked damn near 5 blocks or so to get to the stadium and up the ramp to the upper level and now up the stairs..I think my knee was calling me all kinds of names..so I was okay, but ready to SAT DOWN SOMEWHERE lol.

So then he takes my hand (thank gawd I had gloves on cuz I can be real funny about touching mofos hands ..ya'll know some of ya'll be wiping snot and ish and don't wash ya hands when ya go pee and junk but I digress)..antyhoo..we get up the stairs quickly with him pulling me along.. and he says.."well since, my seats are right here, you and you're friend can just sit with me".. my knee answered for me so we agreed that we'd sit with him (stadium had TONS of empty seats by the way)..

He seems normal.. for about 5 seconds.. was even nice enough to introduce me and my girl to his kids, his brother and his cousin.

Next thing I know he says..

"do you have any extra gloves cuz I forgot mine."

Me: no, sorry and somehow I doubt your hands would fit in a pair of female gloves sir.

Him: (as he leans over) "well, how bout you let me put my hands on your kitty kat to keep em warm"

blink.

blink.

blink.

**blankstare**

Me: "the hell?" cuz clearly I don't think I heard him correctly.

Him: "Don't act like you ain't never let nobody touch the kitty kat so they can see what it smells like"...

Now all kinds of ish is running through my mind, but I see his kids sitting there and I'm not gonna curse and carry on in front of nobody's kids so I just tell him he's out of line, and I tell my friend that we need to get the hell up and move.

Except..I don't want to go to our seats..I want to go find our friend a few sections over and that heffa is not answering her phone! Meanwhile, this mofo has his elbow lodged in my side and keeps moving around and carrying on like there is alot of space for that ish.. ugh.. I think my side is bruised but anyhoo...

So we are sitting there trying to figure out which section my friend is in before hiking back down all them stairs and up another 100.. this mofo decides to try more convo.

Him: "you must have rich blood..you got alot of hair"

Me: uhh ok.

Him: (mumbling) "can I see your ti....." I thought he said TICKET..so I said ..why you need to see my ticket?

Him: "No..I wanna see your tittays"..

Me: "sir..its cold, and I don't know you and I'm not gonna continue this convo with you its very disrespectful"..

Him: "Well, my name is Jarrell."

blink.

blink...

blink..

At this point.. I was like f it.. lets go down to the concession stand or something..just get me away from this mofo before i stab him with a nail file or my volkswagon key..or tap into my inner panther spirit and RAAAAWWWWWRRRRRR (that's my panther growl lol) turn into a black cat and claw his f'in eyeballs out..

Luckily we found our friend and was able to sit with her since there were tons of empty seats in her section and we were able to have fun..

Lesson Learned: Some mofo'n men have NO FREAKING MANNERS ATALL..
and because of the ish that comes out the side of their neck at times, I have to wonder WHAT kind of chicks find this bullshittah cute and allow it..cuz CLEARLY that is the reason they continue with this ish. smh.. sad thing is..his kids are probably gonna grow up thinking that's how you get a woman, hell its probably how he got their mammy.. nasty mofo.

Stay classy..and respectful..
Meik..

A Mofo Christmas Tale

2010-12-17T00:25:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays!

It's funny, as I realize that this makes 6 years that I've been single, the only freaking thing that I can think about is the Christmas when I thought my life was about to change. Have you ever been expecting one thing only to get your face cracked? Wellllp, you know I have. Every year around this time, I sniggle just a little bit..

Why Meik?

Stroll with me down memory lane.. the year 1999....snow is falling...and I'm in love...all is right in Meik's world.... sounds lovely eh? That's what I thought too.

My then boo..also known on here as KING MOFO.. asked if he could go home with me for the holidays, now, it was just odd, because he had never gone before on a holiday..but whatevs at this point, we'd been together almost 3 years.. A couple of days before we left I was at one of his family members house for some eggnog...as soon as he stepped outside, she leans over and says "he got you a ring...he's gonna propose..we all gave him money"..

****insert a squeal right here.. ME.. A PROPOSAL? A RING?! A WEDDING..ME A WIFE..HIM MY HUSBAND? JEEEEEZUS!! OMG!!****

Imagine my excitement..I couldn't wait..so I IMMEDIATELY called my parents to tell them that I was gonna get married.. but when that moment happens..we gotta get our surprised game faces on..(now here's where I should tell you the small smidgeon fact that said family member was on medication at the time for something, so I, in all my wedding planning glory in my head forgot that lil detail..mmk keep that in the back of your mind as I finish this story..)

Now, you've been reading the Mofo Chronicles long e-damn-nough to know.. ish sho nuff didn't pop off like it was supposed to..ONLY cuz it's me..

What happened Meik?

I'm glad you asked.

So fast forward to Christmas morning..I waited to open the gift that he got me last..it was in a HUGE azz box...fairly light..so I open it..

I reach inside..it's a leather jacket.. okay.. nice.. so my ring MUST be in the pockets right? Lemme put it on...put my hands in the pocket..nada.. take the jacket off and shake it.. nada..

While he sits there looking like boo boo the fool not saying a mofo'n word.

No problem...

Luckily..there's still stuff in the box: so I reach in and pull out ANOTHER jacket..same process.. try it on..check the pockets, shake it out...no f'in ring...ok I'm getting annoyed..so I'm giving him the what the hot hayle look..

He says there's one more thing in the box..ok, whew..

THIS HAS TO BE IT!! (the parents are looking a lil worried at this point)

So I reach back into that big azz box and pull out a purse..

Oh my ring MUST be inside right? Let's check..
so I'm digging all in it ..checking the pockets , shaking the hell out of it and everyone's looking like I have lost my ever lasting mind..and yet this mofo sits..still not saying a word..just smiling.

Sniff. well. hell. I ain't gonna cry ..YET..and the day isn't over either. So I pick my face back up and put a smile on because I KNOW he's gonna pop the question and gimme my ring anytime now..

and as the hours go by..still no ring.. I can't take it anymore.. and before I can stop myself, I ask:

WHERE IS MY RING??????? WHERE IS MY PROPOSAL?

GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!

blink..

blink..

***crickets***

Now I'm confused as to why he's sitting here looking confused so we just blinking the hell out of each other looking crazy.

Finally he says "A who? What ring?"

Damn him to hell and back 3x.. why is he playing with my emotions?!

So I politely explained through gritted teeth that I was looking for a ring because I was told by his family that he got me one and that the whole reason he came home with me was to propose. SOOOOO WHERE IS IT?

Do you know this mofo LAUGHED?

.... and laughed...and laughed...and laughed...fell out the chair and kept on laughing.. I'm sure this started my hatred towards him. I can't prove it..but I'm pretty sure that's the exact day it started. Anyhoo.. he called his mom, and she laughed..hell the whole damn family laughed at me....

Well, I guess he felt bad, as he kept laughing, but he ended up buying me a promise ring.. little did I know that just a few years later that bullshiitttahh didn't mean a damn thing..but I digress..and that's a whole nother blog..

Lesson Learned:
Never.. I say NEVER..hear me again..NEVER EVER EVER listen to a family member of a boo that is drugged the hell up on some form of medication..it results in getting your face and feelings cracked all to hell.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!
Meik..

Edumacated Mofos

2010-12-14T01:06:00.004-05:00

What up fam?

Gawd...I hates me an ignorant mofo...Gawd knows I do..

It amazes me that in 2010..soon to be 2011 that we still have folks talking and writing like they have a starring role in the got dayum Color Purple...I wrote this blog a couple of years ago.. and thought it was ONLY fitting that I bring it back since the ish is still going on.. ENJOY!

***************************************

Sometimes when I read stuff that is ALLEGEDLY supposed to be professional..I have to wonder if mofos realize just how ignorant they sound.

Don't get me wrong, I understand there's the whole "ebonics" craze and how its oh so cool to sound half azz illiterate...but come on now..if you are promoting your business or event...can you at least SPELL CHECK that mofo? Trust me..it don't take but a sec..

It's not even the misspellings that are the worst part...its the grammar all together..if you aren't sure how to string together an intelligent sentence so that folks know the basics..(for those of you who don't know...follow me here..) WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND DAYUM HOW...

I can't get ANY of that information from 2 sentences talking about "Big ups and bee here and F all the hataz and bring gusets"...WTF? I feel like I need a dang mofo decoder to read it...and yeah the ish is usually spelled just like I wrote it..see now ya'll was thinking I was the ree ree huh?

It is so frustrating to want to support my brothas and sistas but if you can't take the time to present your product in an effective manner..WTF makes you think that me or hell anyone else is gonna even wanna throw our lil dollars your way? All that makes me do is think that your product is hood fab and I ain't interested...(well those of you who do hood-fab..more power to you..but this my dayum blog lol)

Maybe I'm just being anal since I spend all day copy editing news scripts and writing...and I just can't tolerate pure d- dayum ignorance...who knows...

Don't get me wrong..I blog and abbreviate and change the spellings of things but I write like I talk and you can clearly get where I'm going with what I'm trying to say...however I'm not trying to get you to spend money, boost my f'in ratings, and I dayum sho don't care if you like what I write LOL...I'm just doing my public service announcement for the day...

Lesson Learned:

Use a dictionary, spell check..hell HIRE SOMEONE to write your f'in e-blasts, flyers, tweets, and facebook invites or if you are gonna show your azz on tv..look up the f'in words or ASK SOMEONE...gawd...if that don't work...send your work over to someone to look it over if you know dayum well u aint finished damn middle school and never learned how to diagram sentences and ish LMAO...yeah I took it there..but I still hates me an ignorant mofo...

Stay fantabulous and fierce...and educated!

~Meik...

Changing the game..positively

2010-12-05T23:55:00.012-05:00

What's up fam?
It's that time of year where I start to do a lot of reflecting back on things and people in my life. Sometimes there are people in your life that God places there for a reason, often times we may never really put a finger on why those people are there. Other times, it becomes clear over time. Bear with me, I'm about to get a little sappy here.

What you talkin bout Meik?

I'm glad you asked.

I have always wanted to be in front of the camera for as long as I can remember, but NO ONE would give me the chance. Then one day fate intervened and I met a man that was willing to take a chance on lil ole me and allowed me to be a correspondent on his online show: The S.E.L.F. Show..and I have to say, that was one of the best times I've had in my life because I was doing something I've always wanted to do and learning and cultivating my craft at the same time. The best part, I had someone that was taking the time to encourage, uplift, and push me. I had never had someone want to take out the time to help me like that. I guess there really are genuinely nice people in this world, but let me introduce you to this particular one.

Who is that Meik?

Mr. Mo Stegall.

Let me tell you about Mo, who I fondly call "Mo Diddy" because when I want to quit, he's right there pushing me above and beyond my limit (which most often ticks me off and makes me turn into a mofo and I'm convinced one day he will have me walking from the QC to ATL to get him some cheesecake lol). Actually, in the end it works because had it not been for him..one, you probably wouldn't even be reading this on THE MOFO CHRONICLES website, two, my radio/television voice/persona wouldn't sound/look so eloquent (yes I'm giving myself props lol), and three, I would have given up on pursuing my dreams long ago. Most importantly, he holds me accountable when I'm not pushing towards greatness. So for that I have to say: Thank you Mo! (Don't you tell a soul I said that lol)

So imagine how excited I am that I can share my mentor and friend, Mo with you guys..

No not like that.. (get your mind out of the gutter people!!)..But Mo FINALLY has done what I knew he could do.. write a book..no..its more than that..it's a self empowerment guide that is called "Against All Odds: I Can BE", and just like Mo does for me in real-life, he challenges readers in this book to discover their true inner self and figure out what their purpose is.

I like that the book helps you get those thoughts organized, cuz lawd knows (and so does Mo) that my mind is always all over the place. One of the things Mo is always reminding me of is that change starts with you..you have the ability to change the outcome, you can't let obstacles destroy you, you have to realize those obstacles are put in place to help you grow. What I'm telling you dear blog readers, is that we are responsible for our own outcome. You just have to be in the right frame of mind to make things happen. Mo's book will DEFINITELY help get you on the right path. After all, he is what I like to refer to as my "black Joel Osteen" lol.. Have I steered you guys wrong yet?

Anyway, I want you guys to check out the book "Against All Odds: I Can BE" , because you know I am BIG on supporting people that are doing big things and it makes my heart smile when they are doing something to help people realize their full potential. Besides, Mo has helped me more than he knows. He probably thinks I'm not listening but I hear every word, now the book is just the icing on the cake!

How can you get the book?

You can get it EXCLUSIVELY on amazon.com on December 7th

Also..
Check out Mo's website www.mostegall.com
Follow Mo on twitter @mostegall

Tell him I sent you..

Stay uplifted and encouraged!
Meik

Well worth the wait..

2010-12-04T01:29:00.013-05:00

What's up fam?

Well.. lucky for you, I'm about to tell you what's up..

In just a few hours..one of the most anticipated albums will drop.. lawd chile..ladies, I must tell you right now.. you will need to have that man/jumpoff on speed dial cuz when you hear what is on this cd, chile..you gonna need that crawlspace checked quick fast and in a hurry..

Men..I know you gonna love the album too..trust me, there's something for everyone on there.

What album is it Meik?

I'm oh so glad you asked...

Now, if you're just joining me on The Mofo Chronicles, you may not know, but I have featured Mr. Daron Jones before and if you are a regular, then I'm sure you remember the blog.. ANTYHOO..since his album release date of December 5th is around the corner, I thought I'd re-introduce him to everybody..see how nice I am?

Allow me to re-introduce you to the man with a familiar face with a voice we all came to know and lust after..ahem.. I mean love..

Take a stroll back with me to the mid 90's.. "Cupid", "Peaches and Cream", "It's Over Now"...ring a bell?.. yessir.. it's THE Daron Jones.. one fourth of the Grammy award winning group that is stepping out on his own..

Let me tell ya'll a secret.. Daron is one of the most nicest guys that I have ever met. Straight up, no bullshittahh and is very humble and down to earth. This man can sang his face off, inspire and motivate you, and have you laughing hysterically all in the same breath. (This is why I love he.)

So who is Daron Jones?

When I asked him this question a few months ago.. his answer was simple, straight to the point: He's the self proclaimed R&B Godfather the ONLY Don Da Da.. he's also a singer, musician, songwriter, and producer. (Fine and talented!..*clutching my pearls*)

What continues to amaze me is how people have no idea just how extensive his resume is. My smart response is GOOGLE HIM.. but since I know some of ya'll can be lazy mofos, here's a quick rundown:

He's responsible for my anthem: Keyshia Cole's "I should've cheated", as well as a string of hits from artists such as the late great Notorious BIG, 112 of course, R Kelly, Usher,and Jamie Foxx just to name a few.

Daron Jones new solo project is titled "Uncensored"... Jones says "The title comes from me coming into this business at the age of 17 and having to do what I was told and being musically censored. I'm grown now and as a solo artist I can stand on my own, can get whatever I need to off my chest and speak out using my voice and be uncensored."

While most of you are used to his image with 112 being the "Gentlemen of Bad Boy"..he's taken on a new direction and simply being himself. "The main difference you'll find is in my lyrics, they are bold and its a fusion of all of my musical influences that range from gospel to jazz to hip hop," says Jones.

Now that you know who Daron Jones is.. get to know him better musically..WHERE WILL YOU BE DECEMBER 5th? Betta be buying "Uncensored".

Follow Daron on twitter @Daronjonesmusic (he follows back and tweets his fans!), check out his website and interact with fans, buy "Uncensored" on his website daronjonesmusic.ning.com.

Until later..stay fab and encouraged!
Meik..

Marriage Material

2010-11-22T21:33:00.002-05:00

What's happening fam?

There’s nothing like that “light bulb” moment.. also known as the AH HA! EUREKA! Oh ok..you get the point. I went to see the play Marriage Material the other day.. And first, I applaud every person in Charlotte that took a chance and tried something new especially after I ranted the first time an I'm Ready Productions play came here, and those that supported black theater by coming to the show.. I think its important to support the very events that we want to see more of.

What is Marriage Material Meik? I'm oh so glad you asked!

The play Marriage Material is just that.. A play centered around three couples to determine if they are in fact ready to take that gigantic leap into marriage.
No it’s not a Tyler Perry Why Did I Get Married type of play (I know how some of ya'll mofos think).. It’s more of a play that makes you step back and look at the reasons of maybe WHY you’re not married, or why you can’t commit.

Why the AH HA moment? I’m glad you asked me another question.

Without ruining the plot, because I want you guys to see this play if it comes to your area (and you can find out the dates and cities by going to imreadyproductions.com) , I could identify with the message and more specifically one of the characters. One of the pivotal moments that made me look in the proverbial mirror was the question: “why am I so commitment phobic? What’s wrong with me that every guy that I have dated has cheated? Why am I so afraid to let go and let love in? Why do I sabotage every potential relationship?"

Well.. I had the chance to talk to the writer/director of the play, Mr. JeCaryous Johnson himself. I told him the same things. He told me that so often people settle for the idea of being in a relationship without truly ever getting to know each other, and more importantly yourself. He told me that you have to love you first..”you have to love you , and everything about you. You are God’s princess, and once you believe that, the world will believe it.”

I don’t know about ya’ll..but I tend to forget sometimes that love has to come from within. Just because the outside may be appealing to this guy or that guy doesn’t mean that it will make me love myself anymore. Many of you already know my ego, esteem and everything else that relates to it..took a HUGE hit and the downward spiral began in 2004..while I have dusted myself off, and climbed up the stairs..I'm still battered and bruised even in 2010..but what I couldn't figure out is WHY?

Too often people love to play the blame game for their commitment issues or lack of love. I’m guilty for blaming King Mofo (see previous blogs and then come back after you have caught up) for shattering my heart into a thousand pieces, but this play made me realize something. Granted..the light bulb is coming on 6 years later..but It’s NOT his fault that I have those issues. It’s my own because I’m still holding onto the anger and the hope of getting some kind of revenge or rather waiting on that heffa Karma to step in and do what she does.. But I learned that once I let that go, I can allow love in.

I say all this to say, if you have the opportunity to check out an I’m Ready Production, trust me when I say you won’t regret it. You will laugh, maybe even shed a tear, but you will walk away with an invaluable lesson. Mr. Johnson summed it up best..”when you check out one of our productions, you can guarantee getting a dose of comedy and you will be able to relate to the production. You will get your money’s worth.” I agree wholeheartedly. The bonus is learning how to take that message and apply it to your own life.

Will this make me run into the arms of the next man I meet, probably not. However I think I can exhale and let things happen as they may and maybe one day.. I will be Marriage Material.. (shoot..hopefully sooner rather than later..a sista is getting on up there in age lol)..

Don't worry.. I did ask JeCaryous what’s next for him .. He’s got two films on deck, plus two new sitcoms, and of course , new plays. One of the plays he is working on is a play centered around black love, and who better to showcase then our own President.. Mr. Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle. I CANNOT WAIT.

If you’re one of those lucky ones in Houston that can attend his school I strongly suggest you sign up for a course whether its acting or writing. This man is a force to be reckoned with and my favorite part.. He loves helping talented people get to where they need to go. To me..that is truly God’s work.

Without getting too mushy.. Thank you to JeCaryous Johnson and the cast of Marriage Material for helping me reach my AH HA moment.

P.S. Did I mention how FINE Tank is on stage? **faints**

A Mofo'n Train with No Soul

2010-11-14T19:48:00.002-05:00

HELLLOOOOORRRRRR!!! **in my Madea voice**
Sorry I've been away for a bit.. sista been busy..and ohhhhh lawd have I encountered some mofo-ish mess..
What you get into this time Meik?
Well.. stroll down memory lane with me ..well hell.. it just happened the other day.. The Soul Train Awards Pre-Concert.

Exciting huh? YESSSSS ya girl won tickets via twitter.. I took off down 85south headed to ATL for a night of fun! After all.. Erykah Badu, Rick Ross, Slick Rick and others were headlining.

Now.. Let's go over a few minor details before I continue..pay attention..this goes fast.
1. I am 3 hours away from ATL.
2. I won FRONT ROW TICKETS FOR THE SHOW AT THE ATLANTA CIVIC CENTER
3. DID I MENTION THE HEADLINERS?

ok.. now that we got that outta the way..you see why I went right?

well.. just cuz its me..it didn't go as planned.
The show was moved to Opera in Atlanta.. which is a nightclub.. nice place.. I love it.. BUT..when you add in folkz that PAID for front row tickets for the civic center and you throw them in a club environment where seats are nowhere to be found..there's bound to be some pissed off folks. I heard one person say they paid 150.00 for his tix. yes lawd chile.

Anyhoo.. My friend and I get out the car and notice nothing but pure chaos..there's a line for media as they take pics of folks on the "red carpet" and then the other line has folks that already have tickets. So the kind folkz at Soul Train told me to go to the "Will Call" line. blink. blink. ok. that's cool..but errr why does everyone I ask tell me AINT NO LINE CALLED WILL CALL. Luckily..I use my observation skillz and find a lady with a list ..

and...

you may have already guessed it...

my mofo'n name was NOT on the list.

Remember now.. I drove 3 hours. My level of PISSITIVITY is climbing. So I take a step back to breathe and as I'm trying not to hyperventilate..I'm noticing some celebs and their assistants are going off cuz their names aren't on the list either.
Behind me are people from other networks claiming this is a hot mess and unorganized.. I wanted to turn around and say chile ya'll aint never lied. So again I try the lady and ask her WHO THE F I can talk to about my tix.. she says I dont know nuffin bout no contest.. luckily I remembered who I talked to at Soul Train and as soon as I dropped names and dug thru my purse to find the number..the VIP bracelet was slapped on..

After the chaos of trying to get inside the building.. the show is set to start at 8. Being black, I already know this aint finna go down on time. Besides.. mofos is still setting ish up on stage. So the highlight of my night and I thank Soul Train for being late because I was wondering around and ran smack dab into the object of my lust on twitter.. RAY LAVENDER from Omarosa's show on TV One! omg..omg..omg... i luv he!

Anyhoo...after shaking like a leaf for about 10 minutes and barely being able to talk.. and getting hugs and pics..I'm personally good to go and ret to go home LOL.. but I came for a show..

9pm.. The show starts.. Arrested Development comes out.. rocks the house.. for all of one song...had me ready to go back to Tennessee.. then nothing.. for 45minutes..then songstress Keke Wyatt comes out.. (ok if she's the host..WHY COME she aint introducing e'rybody? she just picking and choosing? mmk) so.. 945.. Ray Lavender in all his luciousness and muscles and tatts and..my bad.. I got sidetracked..he performed 2 songs..flicking his tongue and junk and lawd I wanted to take him ..nevermind.. I digress.. ok.. at this point..my feet hurt.. 1030.. Mr Vegas performs.. dont ask me who he is cuz idk..all i know is he sings reggae..he seemed fun. Around 11.. Keke comes out ..sings 1 line to a song..shouts out a couple celebs in the building cuz the crowd is thinning out..and I realize at this point..at this rate we'll be in this mofo ALLLLLLLLL got dayum night and I am taking my black ass back to Charlotte.. So.. I threw the deuces.

Good thing too.. cuz I later found out that NONE of the "headliners" performed. Long story short, minus Ray Lavender..I shoulda kept my black ass at the house. I wish I could call Don Cornelius to complain. lol. It was an experience.. and did I mention how fine Ray is? lol..

Until Later..

Meik..

A Wet Summer's Night..

2010-10-27T01:18:00.004-04:00

What's happenin fam? I decided to break out my journals to find something to blog on and chile.. one of these days Imma need to do something with all the ish I have written ..but anyhoo.. let's take a stroll down memory lane.. twas the year 2005 in Knox-Vegas, Tennekee.. (that's Knoxville, TN for you special folkz)..

I had just broken up with KING MOFO after dayum near almost 8 yrs but I digress..(see previous posts for that story) and had just moved to K-town when I went to the club with some coworkers and met this cutie. (now u know I was drinking right?)

Now let me add in a disclaimer right now: I was naive..haven't dated a whole lot..and as you've observed..between the years of 2005-2006 I've gotten myself into some ish multiple times..but hey..it gives me stuff to write about and ya'll stuff to laugh at so don't judge me.

Anyhoo.. met this cutie..we talked back and forth for a few weeks on the phone getting to know each other.. he was all smart and stuff, in school, working, blah blah blah and blah. Problem here is.. I can't really recall much about what he looks like except he had a nice body and pretty eyes..it was dark, I was drinking..eh well you get the point. So..one day I ignorantly decide to invite him over to hang out, watch a movie and just chill..

He knocks at the door.. I'm nervous cuz like I said..I don't really know wtf he looks like..and u can't ask other drunk folkz to give u a description lol.

I open the door.

whew.

He still cute just like I had hoped LOL. BUT....

yes..there's ALWAYS a BUT..

this cute brotha had the AUDACITY to have grey contacts in his eyeballs. yes lawd. they were contacts. I asked. (Don't give me that bullshittah..ya'll woulda asked too!) But this grown ass black men with color contacts thing is a whole nother issue I can't get into right now.

Anyway..I decided to overlook it and just enjoy his company since he seemed kool..hell we can phase them contacts out later right?

So.. we watching tv, drinking some wine, laughing, talking..then I notice.. this mofo DID NOT just f'n spill wine on my NEW COUCH. naw. he didn't. yes he did. so I'm internally freaking out.. cuz i just got the mofo like 2 weeks prior..thank gawd it was white wine..but anyhoo..that ain't even the date crusher of the nite. The drinking continues..now at this point, I'm already a dayum near alcoholic cuz I'm still in mourning over my breakup so I'm not drunk atall.. this mofo is sitting here slurring and carrying on, spilling ish left and right after a couple of glasses and I'm just blinking. He finally manages to the stumble to the bathroom.

Now I'm thinking..I'm bored with him..ready for him to go.. he's no fun to drink with and those contacts are creepin me out.
He's gone for a really long time.. but finally he comes out and mumbles he needs to go..blah blah.. (thank gawd).. he says oh wait..I forgot my keys in the bathroom.. so I say no worries..I'll get it for you..

Ya'll ready for this ish?

Naw.. u ain't.

For real. Sit down.

I walk into the bathroom...see his keys laying on the sink..but look down and notice the floor is wet.

OH
HELL
MOFO'N
NAW.

THIS MOFO DONE PISSED IN MY MOFO'N BATHROOM FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now..my bathroom wasn't that big..so I DONT KNOW HOW THE F THIS MOFO MISSED THE F'IN TOILET!

OMG
OMG
I'm hyperventilating reliving this..

all I could do was stare down and blink.
and blink.
and blink.

now who the f gonna clean this ish up?!

I marched back out there..shoved his arse out the door.. and went back in there and was like.. naw..this mofo didn't really just leave piss all over my floor?!!!!

Needless to say.. I never spoke to that mofo everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr again.

Lesson Learned: If you can't control your piss standing up..MOFO'N MEN NEED TO SAT DOWN ON THE TOILET THEN lmao. yes. I said SAT DOWN. Ain't no sense in a grown ass man pissing all over a nice girl's bathroom floor cuz he cant handle his alcohol. That is all.

Holier than thou...

2010-10-18T00:58:00.005-04:00

Hey how you?! (thought I'd switch it up and bring it to ya'll Asheville style..after all I am a mountain gal)..

Now..with me being from the south and especially the mountains, sometimes mama's and grandma's give you that advice you never really pay attention to until something happens and you have that "AH HA! moment and realize..that's what they meant by that!"

What you talking bout Meik?
Welllllp.. I'm oh so glad you asked!
Take a trip with me down memory lane to the Winter of 2006.. dontcha just love doing that?

Once-ta-upon a time, I met this fine good got ole mighty make ya check ya crawlspace and slide down the nearest wall type of brotha.. ya'll know what I mean.. the kind that all you can do is look at him and say..GOT DAYUM I LOVE U and not even know his name lol. Anyhoo..I digress.. Imma make this short and sweet cuz I got ish to do..but anyway.. so dude and I spent quite a bit of time talkin on the phone, texting blah blah blah.. met up a couple times for lunch.. and ya'll know how it is.. you don't really notice something aint right if they are THAT fine til later..

So one night.. homie invites me over to watch movies (you'd think I had learned my dayum lesson by now wouldn't you?).. so I get to the crib..nice lil spot.. clean..
so anyhoo..we sit on the couch.. well..lil smooch here..lil smooch there.. and he pops up with the lamest line in the book "lemme give you a massage babe..you look tense".. now cuz he fine I'm thinking good got ole mighty PUT YO HANDS ON ME!! But I politely declined and said.. I don't think that's a good idea and I should probably leave..

So he pulls out lame azz line number 2: "lets just go lay on my bed and talk"..

blink.
blink.
blink.

Now for some of you on your lil hoe stroll that line probably does work..for me.. no sir..not happenin.. you fine..but I aint no dayum hoe.. So I ask to use the bathroom since he lived kinda far from me and I had a bit of a drive back..so I go in there.. and I notice he's got some bath and body works shower gel and soap and ish..

the hell?

mofo lives alone..swear he aint got no chick.. the hell?? So I'm thinking lemme get the hell up out this joint.. I come out of the bathroom and walk back into the living room..

are ya'll ready for this?

I swear..this just RUINT my "I love he" feelings in one swoop..

This mofo'n ninja has taken his clothes off.. all he has on is his boxers..
now.. this might be cute cuz he was fine..

EXCEPT...

I can't tell ya'll this.. I just can't.

Nope. I'm not.

Oh hell..you twisted my arm..

HE HAD 50-elevum (yes lawd I took it to the country on this one..) 50-elevum holes all in and thru them thangs with a stain in the back.

blink.
blink.
blink.

The fineness that stood before me was no longer fine. All I could do was blink, stutter, grab my ish and run.

He knew I was coming over.. He knew what the hell he had up his sleeve to try to get into my crawlspace .. HE KNEW..and he still wore what looked like someone took a shotgun and shot bb pellets thru them mofo'n boxers.. the hell?

Needless to say.. there were no more dates.

I don't know why I get myself in the craziest ish.

I blame ya'll.. cuz if I didn't.. I'd have nothing to write about.

Lesson Learned: Just cuz its pretty on the outside..don't mean it's gonna be pretty when a mofo take them clothes off.. owwwww....and like granny and nem said.. "make sho u got on clean underwear with NO HOLES at all times.. you never know what might happen" ah ha! I finally get what that means.

Stay classy and clean fam!
Meik

A Double Scoop of Chocolate

2010-09-26T00:22:00.003-04:00

What's up fam? All I can say is.. my heavenly chocolate Sunday's on VH1 unfolded right before my very eyes today...

What you mean Meik?

Glad you asked. This is a long one so you've been warned. If you follow me on twitter..then you already know.. the two men I lust after on VH1 EVERY Sunday (well hell now that football season is underway.. whenever they are playing lol).. Chad Johnson aka Ochocinco and Terrell Owens were in town this weekend since the Bengals play the Panthers. (lawd if I could be in that locker room..help me jeeeezus on the stairway to heaven and back! but I digress..)

Ochocinco tweeted his plans to host a fan appreciation dinner in Charlotte.. the catch? Only the first 85 people will be his dinner guests and the location wasn't even tweeted until 4pm Saturday afternoon. Dinner starts at 6.

Soooooo.. me and my coworker have been plotting for months on how we'll get to the fan dinner if Ocho hosts one.. this is our chance right?!

So.. me being the stalk..I mean planner.. decided we should meet Uptown at 3:45 and just wait til he tweets.. so as we ride down Tryon.. 4pm hits.. the tweet goes out: Chima Brazilian Steakhouse is the location ... we are sitting at the light at the corner where the restaurant sits.. I look up and see tons of folks sprinting down the sidewalk..running out into the streets..its a freaking madhouse like someone is handing out them dayum KFC free chicken sammiches lol.. anyhoo.. I jump out (good thing I'm country enuff to wear flip flops and carry my heels just for times like these lol) and I haul ass and get in line.. I tell my girl park the car..I'll be waiting.

Long story short: We got in as part of the 85.. but NOT without some drama poppin off.. of course..its me we're talkin about right?

Mofo that CLEARLY ain't getting in is playing line patrol and is pointing out everyone he thinks has broken in line.. problem is..if he busy doing that.. then wtf line is he in? PLACE LOST SHUT IT BYE. He tells my friend..that he knows she broke in line (now..i explained to the folkz around me that she was coming..they was kool cuz we were all getting in.. they even had folkz come that had to move their cars and come back..not a problem).. anyhoo.. fool continues flappin his lipz talkin bout "I saw you and God saw you".. blink. blink. blink.

u know me right?

u know I just couldn't let that fly right?

Soooooo I politely say: MOFO if you don't take your ass on somewhere with that ish.. God sees you being a tattle tale and that's why u ain't even getting in to begin with..**eyeroll** and he never did get in.. see.. God don't like ugly!

Ok.. onward to the dinner..

I give Ocho his props.. he had an open bar for about an hour I think.. Ocho knows what I need don't he? LOL.. he aight in my book..muscles and liquor..ayyyyeeee!

Dinner was delish.. I don't eat red meat so I can't tell you how the steaks tasted.. but the dude beside me was going to town on it so I guess it was good. I got to sit at a table close to Ocho and TO.. close enough that my girl was staring at them eat and I was in hysterics LOL. but she got some good shots with my camera phone.. hellz naw we have no shame lmao.

I think my fav part of the evening was Ocho's prayer before dinner..if I understood wtf he said I'd gladly tell you.. but it was so cute.. **clutching pearls and swooning**

I also loved the fact that he went and took pics with every single person in the room.. and of course..my ish went a lil different lmao.

He comes over to take a pic..as he turns to walk away all i could think of to say to the man I lust over every week was: "Dayum you smell good" blink. blink. I make myself sick.

Then I check the pic.. notice that its extra blurry and have to grab him to take it again..the first time he igged me.. but then he came back around and re-took the pic with me.. thank gawd he was nice enough to do it..

HOWEVER.. he wasn't as talkative as I thought he'd be.. but good gawd ole mighty that man is fine..

Onto Terrell Owens.. he was pretty much sitting at the table not really mingling and he wasn't taking pics with folks.. but I went over and tried to spark a convo.. its not important what I said but he was a lil more talkative than Ocho..but the mofo still wouldn't take a pic. boo. (and no Mo and Kita weren't around lmao)

All in all .. I walked away still in lust with both of them.. met a cute white dude that I hope calls me , and memories and pics to last a lifetime..

Lesson Learned: I'm glad I plotted, and even stood outside in the hot azz scorching sun making my baby hairs roll up and part like the Red Sea and we were able to go to the fan dinner.. I am oh so glad I restrained myself from asking TO if I could come watch him swim in the hotel pool or put lotion on him when he got out the shower.. and I'm so glad I didn't ask Ocho if I could be his 5th baby mama.. see.. I do have some tact. LOL. Ochocinco and Terrell are kool in my book. If they come to ur city and do a fan dinner.. I recommend going..u just might meet some kool azz folkz.

A Tongue Tale

2010-09-07T01:44:00.004-04:00

What up fam?
First I have to shout out all my fellow Virgos! Happy Birthday to us!

With that being said, I decided to kick off my birthday celebration a lil early.. (fyi my bday is 9/11 and I am accepting gifts all month lol but I digress..)
So, my sister and a couple of friends decided to hang out and get our party on, and we had a blast..see ladies, you can have fun without going out hunting for men (but that's a whole nother blog)..

Now.. if you follow me on twitter then you already know that there was some strange goings on at this party we hit up. Imma hit the highlights before I get to the main event so hold on cuz this is gonna go fast..

1. Men at ANY age (straight ones that is) SHANT be booty-popping and scrubbing the ground when a Luke song comes on. I'm still distraught after being tipsy watching 30 year old grown men do this ish, and what's more disturbing is the mofos surrounding them watching them in a circle.

2. Men with skinny jeans tucked into boots. that's all Imma say..but I was bout to ask one dude where the hell he got his jeans from cuz them thangs was too cute.. (dont judge me)

3. Just cuz it comes in your size ladies, don't mean you should wear it...and it certainly doesn't mean you should be bending over touching ya toes in it.. that's all Imma say on that topic too.

4. There is a mofo running round Charlotte looking like Pooch Hall's lil brother (see the twit pic on twitter or my facebook page..heck find him and add him as a friend with his lil cute self)..AND I saw a 50 Tyson look alike too..what are the odds? mmmmk.

5. Men wear capri pants now? with sebago's? remember those? LOL. lawwwd jeeezus..I used to LOVE those shoes back in middle school.. blink. blink. blink. key word: MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Anyway.. after all this and my belt dying a painful death (don't ask me what happened cuz I still don't know LOL)..I closed out the night by getting on the microphone and wishing myself a happy birthday and giving Michael Jackson a well deserved shout out and a RIP with L-O-V-E.. I don't remember who the f said it but I do recall a "MJ BEEN DEAD." ....I knew it was time for me to exit the building before I went Joe Jackson on a mofo.. but anyway.. so outside we go..

As we are all fawning over the Pooch Hall aka Derwin Davis from the TV show The Game look alike and snapping pics like he's famous and ish.. some crackheadish looking mofo slinks up or maybe he fell out the sky ..I don't know, but he is schmall and black as hell with a ring of crust around his mouth holding a Blue Ribbon beer..(fab visual huh?).. and who let him wander around the parking lot with an open container? *shrug*

I don't recall much of the convo..cuz like I said I was on my bday celebration flow, but I do remember the following..

Him: hehehehe ya'll lookin good enough to eat around cheaaaaaa
Us: **crickets**
My fool sister: hey sir..blah blah blah blah (idk what she said)
Him: I'm tryin to roll with ya'll hehehehe schlurp (sip of the blue ribbon)
Me: mmmk.. that's nice..welllllp we bout to head out.. it was nice meeting you..

***now see..this is when I shoulda just shut the f up and minded my own biznass cuz he wasn't checking for me***

He turns to me all glassy-eyed..eyeballing me and ish, and so I roll my eyes and start talking to someone beside me..the next thing that happens..ya'll ain't ready for..

are you?

are you sure??

lemme give you a visual first of what I have on: a romper and stilettos..legs all shined up and purty.. lol..

ok..

Him: ooooohhhhh weeeeeeee (as he circles me like I'm a plate of hot wings or some ish)
I just laugh and keep on talking..but out the corner of my eye I see that he is on the ground kinda behind me..and mind you..NONE of these heffas I'm with have said ish cuz they can see exactly what is going on or about to go down..

I hear him talkin to himself saying something about..he wanna see if it taste like ketchup...

SCHLURRRRRRP..

right
up
the
back
of
my
f'in
mofo'n
got
dayum
leg.

in case u can't read that: HE LICKED MY GOT DAYUM MOFO'N RIGHT LEG LIKE IT WAS SOME ICE CREAM.
oh gawd, im dry heaving.

Now again, I'm tipsy..so it takes me a minute to realize wtf just happened...

And all my sister and friends can do is hee haw.. sooooo I screeech and run to hide behind my sister.. and this mofo comes running after me.. we are playing musical hide behind the people in the parking lot and he's going on and on about how he gotta get them leftovers on the other side..

WTF?

So long story short.. the only way I got this mofo off my legs is to tell him my boyfriend was coming and he'd whoop his azz..

Now I ask you.. is this what hollaring at chicks has come to? Licking on folkz to get attention? and why I gotta maybe taste like KETCHUP? that's that bullshittah...

Don't you worry.. when I got home.. I pulled out the peroxide, alcohol, bleach..everythang..cuz I don't know WHERE his ratchet mofo tongue had been and I was convinced my leg was bout to rot off.

Some of you wonder where I meet mofos.. well as you see.. I don't have to go out of my way.. THEY EXIST EVERYWHERE. Just pay attention..you run into them too.

Lesson Learned: Work on my reflexes while drinking..I coulda kicked my leg back and got him right in the throat with the 4 inch heel. Besides.. who licks on folkz they don't know? Fam..keep ya tongue to yourself. Thank you. And if my sister calls me KETCHUP one mo time..im putting her up for adoption. that is all.

Until Later..
Meik

A Mofo'n Double Blind Date

2010-09-01T00:37:00.003-04:00

What's da BIZnass fam? (see I changed it up..I'm getting awfully fancy now huh? **note all the sarcasm in the world at this point right cheaaaaa***)

Anyhoo, have you ever had someone want to hook you up with someone that's just "perfect" for you "allegedly"?
Stroll with me down memory lane.. the year: 2006..in sunny Charlotte.. eh..you get the point..

One of my besties took it upon herself to attempt to hook me up..she calls and says that she met this fabulous chick at her hubby's party for work and she has a brother that's single..and we have oh so much in common blah blah blah..

Imma wait one sec to see if you see anything wrong with this scenario..

I'll wait.

Still waiting..

SHE HAS NEVERRRRRR seen this man before!

Keep in mind I'm still in my "naive just broke up with King MOFO but tryin to get out and be sociable" mode so I took the man's number...

Ya'll know I didn't wanna call right? But my bestie and this chick were just oh so excited thinking that they had made a match made in heaven..so after a week of hemming and hawing..I called..

Ok.. convo's cool..he had a job..no kids..had his own place.. seemed ok ..so I agreed to meet him for lunch.

I get to the restaurant first and he calls me and tells me he has arrived..so I get out the car..wait lemme back up.. ok I'm about 5'5 and that particular day I had on flats..keep that in mind..

As I stand there in front of the restaurant waiting on him.. I see a short guy walking up.. and in my head I'm thinking.. OH HELL TO THE MOFO'n NAW.. this betta NOT be him.. now don't get me wrong..there's nothing wrong with short men.. but errr I like to wear heels and I don't wanna be towering over a mofo.. but when he got right up to me...chillllleeeeee honey booo..he came to my chest.

blink.

blink.

blink.

Really bestie? REALLY? oooh the thoughts I was having woulda landed me on SNAPPED.

But I just looked down and told him I was ready to go inside the restaurant.

JEEEEZUS.

So..we get seated and that heffa hostess had the nerve to sniggle.. I shoulda tripped her but I digress.. now, we are at Applebee's so you know how high those chairs are near the bar right? sigh.. that's all imma say.

So anyway..I decided stop being stankazoid and be nice..I mean hell he could at least turn out to be a friend right? So again, the convo is okay, and for a moment I even forget he's 2feet tall..til I dropped my napkin and had to go under the table to get it and see his feet swinging.

Under the table I'm having the internal convo with myself of ..do I fake like I'm going to the bathroom and leave..or do I sit here and finish this meal then throw the deuces ..OR do I call this heffa and cuss her out for this ish!

I decided to stick it out.

So I sit back up and the waiter has brought our food to the table. I ate a few bites then laid my fork down to take a sip of my drink. ya'll aint ready for what happens next.

Are you?

THIS MOFO HERE.. leans his lil azz over..picks up MY fork..digs all in MY plate and proceeds to eat then with a mouthful says.."this right here is good..you want some of my food?"

blink.

blink.

blink.

DO WHAT NAH? MOFO. DID YOU...NAW..WAS THAT..NAW.. HELL NAW.. DID THIS MOFO JUST EAT MY FOOD WITH MY FORK AND WE JUST MET 2 SECONDS AGO?

I AM DRY HEAVING AND VOMI-GAGGING all at the same time ..and as I write this.

I politely informed him that I wasn't really hungry and that it was getting late and time for me to leave..

Needless to say..that was our FIRST AND LAST DATE.

Lesson Learned: Don't ever go out on another blind blind date.. its a double blind date cuz neither me nor miss heffa matchmaker knew wtf he looked like or how tall he was. AND learn some manners..you don't go eating off folkz utensils and plates ..especially folkz u don't even know. eww.

Until Later..
Meik

A Mofo's Recipe for Disaster

2010-08-29T23:23:00.002-04:00

What's up fam? (Dayum me to hell and back ..I used that LAME opening AGAIN.. lol..one day I'll blog on it so you will know why I keep harping on it.. )..anyhoo..shall we proceed with today's Mofo Lesson? This is a blog I wrote for Creative Loafing, but given the circumstances of some ish that has popped off over the past few weeks..I felt like it was a good time to repost it..

Here ya go..ENJOY!

We all love a good summer drink right? Sometimes, just because it has a smooth taste going down, and makes us feel good doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for us.

Here’s a ‘lil recipe that I want to share:

• Get a glass

• Mix in about 5 oz of Bitchassness (refer to mofochronicles for the definition)

• 2 oz of red-koolaid: (that’s the cherry flavor for you uppity folk)

• A half teaspoon of ignate (oh let me clarify again, that’s the same as ignorance times five)

• About 2/3 oz of your favorite liquor

• A dash of WTF

• Add ice…and stir..

Voila! There you have it, a tall refreshing glass of what I like to call punk-naide!

I’m convinced this is what people have been sipping on as their beverage of choice this summer.

What makes me come up with this fabulous assumption?

Well let’s see here:

It has to be the punk-naide that makes folks do some of the dumbest ish ever.

For example, some folks have the audacity to try to holla at people, find out they are married and then don’t give a damn and proceed to pursue them, eventually ending up in a jump-off situation.

(I just really refuse right now to go into a full blown explanation of what a jump-off is, so if you don’t know, my best advice is to watch the news, there’s plenty of examples.)

I have a friend who told me about how in just one night, he had several women approach him, ask him if he’s married, he said yes, and every last one of them said they didn’t care. They just wanted to be the jump-off (ok so I’m paraphrasing). Thank goodness he’s that rare find called a “good catch,” and told them heffas to kick rocks.

Or how about that chick that has grandeur illusions that if you become the jump-off then you can eventually make wifey status.

What in the hot hell?! Put that damn cup down and back away slowly!

Can you say get some damn self-esteem and find a man that’s single?

I wasn’t going to go there — but did we not learn anything from Steve McNair?

Granted, it’s a two way street, but come on, married folks wouldn’t cheat if they didn’t have anyone to cheat with. They would be satisfied with the two hands God gave them and if that don’t do it, then the adult store might just have what they need.
I digress.

The damn grass ain’t always greener. Haven’t you heard of the 80/20 Rule? If not, go rent Why Did I Get Married.

Which brings me to the next batch of mofos that have been sipping on that punk-naide syzurp.

It’s not just married folks acting a donkey, it’s the people that are in committed long term relationships, boo’d up, engaged, whatever you want to call it.

How many of us have gotten a phone call, text message, email or whatever from someone that you ain’t thought about in years and they hit you up wanting to place you in that jump-off spot?

Again, reference the Steve McNair case one more time if you still just don’t get it.

How about those infamous “blocked hang-up calls?”

You know what I’m talking bout. The insecure mofo that goes through their significant other’s phone to see who they have been texting, or chatting it up. They see a repetitive number, call it (blocking their number, of course) then hang up when the other person answers or they sit there breathing listening to see how many damn times they’ll say hello.

Yep, just another fine example of fools sipping on that punk-naide.

Or better yet let’s address the grown ass men that are over the age of 28 but still think it’s cute to put their boys first and run the streets 24/7. Damn the wife, or boo piece, and/or the kids.

Really. Hmm. Partying is so much more important. Who knew?

I mean, I could be completely out of line here, but I thought at some point you just have to grow up and accept some responsibility for your actions.

Clearly I could go on and on for days, but these are just the cream of the crop that seem to have a steady supply of punk-naide in their refrigerator.

Lesson Learned: Instead of pouring out a ‘lil for the dead and gone, dump that entire damn cup of punk-naide out. Refill that glass with some good ole purifying water. That should at least clean up the majority of the punk azz mofo behavior that continues to rear its ugly head. The bonus is, water hydrates the skin and its better for your health. You can thank me later..

Stay classy!
Meik

A Mofo Pain in my Azz

2010-08-23T01:35:00.004-04:00

What's up Fam? (Oh damn.. I said it again, just a couple days after a mofo told me that my blog openings are lame and repetitive. piss on it all. eh well he can kick rocks and quit reading if that's his issue..that's a whole nother blog..let's proceed shall we?)

I was sitting here thinking about how my freaking lower back hurts like hell..then I remembered how the heck it got injured to begin with..

Stroll with me down memory lane to 2007.. blue skies, birds chirping, eh..you get the point..

So .. this particular sunny morning.. one of my friend boys had a lil too much to drink and had to spend the night.. well, he came upstairs to wake me up so that I could lock my door when he left..kool right? Well..this me we talkin bout..and the simplest thing just aint even gonna go like you think it is.

Now lemme set this up for you. he is already at the door.. I am still half asleep, eyes halfway closed, and I have on cute lil pink boxer shorts...and a tank and these socks (ankle socks are what I think they are called..but they aren't like my usual nike ones..and don't stay up like they should)...ok..got your visual..

I don't think you are ready for this.

Are you?

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

I take one step.

Another step.

And just as I start to take another step.. THIS GOT DAYUM GHOST IN THIS HOUSE SENDS MY SOCKS SLIDING DOWN UNDER MY FOOT AND THERE GOES MEIK A TUMBLIN DOWN ....

lawd jeezus..all I can do is hope my friend is outside.. and I can't even get a scream out..all I can do is reach out for the bannister..and as I'm trying to control myself on the bumpiest ride everrrrr..

This mofo gonna say.."Did you drop something?"

(in my head cuz I'm still bumping and bouncing down the got dayum stairs: YES MOFO I DROPPED MY DAYUM SELF AND I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP JACKASS!)

As I continue my tortured slip and slide down the stairs.. my tailbone and lower back hit every single stair on the way down..my arms decided they couldn't possibly get left out..so I scraped those up..and knocked my f'in bad knee straight into the wall.. (now..if you watched the reality show I was on that same year (CMT's I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER AGAIN)..THAT IS WHY i had that f'in knee brace on..my knee was f'd from the Ghost of Karma pushing me down the stairs!)

Now.. I KNOW there wasn't this many steps in this f'in townhouse the day before..

FINALLY.. JEEEEZUSSSSS finally said ENUFF and Meik finally came to a halting stop..

**snicker**

I KNOW this mofo didn't just snicker and he didn't ask me if I was dead yet?!! I can't move..speak..let alone breathe..and I'm bleeding..

FINALLY..mofo peeks around the corner and says.. "OHHHHH DAYUMMMMMM Are you OK??"

I just lay there staring at the ceiling..willing the tears to come.. (and of course they wouldn't only because I'm too proud to cry in front of a mofo..so Imma take this ish like a woman and get up)..

So..I manage to sit up..and tell him to get the hell out and leave me be so I can die alone..

Being the good friend boy he is..he listened..soon as I heard the door close..and his car start up.. ya girl was crying...I'm sure I just laid on the stairs for almost an hour..

Needless to say I went to the doctor since I had both my carpet burned arms covered in band aids like I took a Michael Jackson fad to the f'in extreme, an azz that hurt like hell with shooting pains going up it..and a swollen knee.. only to find out.. The doctor and nurse both thought I lived in an abusive home.

blink

blink

blink

I wish a mofo would be abusing me..I'd be in jail rather than the dayum doctor's office.

Uhhhh..the only person abusing me is this Ghost that I'm convinced lives here..

Lesson Learned: I could probably work as a stunt woman. I'm gangsta with it. LOL.. The good news is.. I wasn't seriously hurt..but these aches and pains are a reminder that I should put my f'in shoes on next time.

A Tantrum Fit for a Mofo

2010-08-18T23:38:00.005-04:00

What up fam?

For the past few days I've been trying to come up with a funny knee slapping HEE-larious type of blog..but I just haven't been in the mood to laugh. Why Meik? Glad you asked.

I'm not even sure how to put this into words without all the Bible thumpers, and Prayer Warriors coming out the woodworks.. but lemme preface it with this: SHUT UP..I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.. its my blog and ill whine if i want to.

Lately as I approach yet another birthday in less than a month, I'm faced with the same thing that I promised myself wouldn't happen this year.. SINGLE, CHILDLESS, in a JOB that I'm not sure I can go anywhere with, and eh well that's enuff ain't it? Throw in the mix some parents that are itching for a son in law and some grand kids and I'm left feeling like a failure at times.

I take a step back, look at my group of "friends and acquaintances" and I realize: I'm tired of being happy that they got married, had ANOTHER kid, got the romantic nite of their lives, got engaged, met someone special, got a new job, got an opportunity of a lifetime..hell, I could go on and on.. but you get the point. I CANT DO IT ANYMORE. I just want the tables to turn ..JUST ONE TIME!!! Is that so much to ask??? Every time I swear I'm done with baby showers, and weddings another one of you mofos come with the "hey I got good news....."

Now before you get it twisted..don't come at me with the "well what are you doing to make it happen?" Child please.. there's only so much a person can do.. I mean hell, I can't make a mofo like me..I can't make a mofo date me, I can't make a mofo want to work around my crazy azz work schedule, I can't make a mofo give me a job if it's not meant for me, and I can't shove a screenplay down someones throat that don't wanna read it, and I dayum sho can't make a mofo read a blog... So when I tell you I have exhausted all avenues over the years that I know how to get to what I want. trust me.. just cuz I don't blog, tweet, facebook, or text, or call a mofo about it doesn't mean I haven't been behind the scenes hustling..

((insert Bible thumpers and prayer warriors response and promptly ignore cuz I dont wanna hear it today))

What brought this mini tantrum on might you ask? oooooh I don't know.. finding out that every person you know seems to be progressing in life and I seem to be stuck in a pit of quick sand mighta done it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed I realize that.. but again..its my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

All I want is to write, and be in love. That simple. The end.

There's one thing tho that I try to remember a good friend once told me: If you wear a size 7, and that opportunity is a size 6.. you can't fit into that..its not for you. Keep pushing forward til you find that size 7.

End of tantrum.. well this portion of it..

Until Later..
Meik

A Mofo and His Bodily Functionz

2010-08-11T00:57:00.003-04:00

What's up fam? Before I jump into this long azz blog lemme preface it with this: This is a true story, I don't have to make ish up, and this happened a few years ago and for some reason, I ran across my journal entry about this, so I took that as a sign that I needed to blog about it..and lemme warn you, this blog will have you in hysterics cuz I'm laughing like hell writing it. It may get a lil graphic (so mama, u might not wanna read anymore and just come back to the site next week LOL)..

Stroll with me to 2005..just a few months after I moved to Charlotte, working the most gawd awful shift ever created 1a-9a, and wanting to date, but not meeting folks cuz I was always sleep deprived and evil. So at the suggestion of a friend, I took a leap of faith into online dating. Now don't get me wrong, for some it's a great experience..but you know me by now..and you know got dayum well ..the ish just didnt go like it was supposed to. I blame some of it on my naive wayz.. keep in mind, I was just coming out of that 8yr relationship with King Mofo.

Ok..so I correspond with this mofo..on paper, seems like a good guy, late 20's, cute, great job, intelligent, could even hold a convo. After a while, we went out a couple times, so one day he invites himself over to my house.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH. pump the brakes.."do what now?"

blink
blink
blink

Now..lemme stop here and explain my hesitation.. actually I really don't damn know LOL.. hell this was years ago.. but I knew I didn't want him to come to the crib just yet..maybe I wanted to check his crib and be nosey I don't know. Long story short, he invites me to his house, and after I hemmed and hawed..I decided..OK ..fine. I'll go there.

Strap on your seltbelt..look around make sure no one can hear you sniggling cuz I am not responsible if u pee on yourself when I finish this story.

ok..so many red flags were popping up so I should have put the car in reverse and drove my azz back to North Charlotte..but nooooooooooooooo Meik wants to be nosey. So.. I call dude..and say I'm outside since I'm not sure which apartment he lives in.

This mofo here...smh.. sends his roomie outside to get me. errrr...ok..maybe he was on the toilet and couldn't come out.. so I don't think anything else about it.. go in and his azz is sitting on the couch.

So since his roomie decided he wants to blast some Tupac while we clearly are trying to watch a movie, me and mofo go into his room to finish watching whatever it is.

Remember before I told ya'll..that 1a-9a shift is a killer..so if a sista gets sleepy..she just drifts off.. so I close my eyes to rest my eyelids for just a second..now I think I'm dreaming cuz I feel a hand trying to get to my "friendzzzzz aka the tittays".. then I'm feeling kisses on my face and I'm getting irritated like WTF.. then just as quick as it started..it stops.

I don't think you're ready for this fam.

So next thing I know.. he is straddled on top of me..

WTF? EYES WIDE OPEN.. blink. blink. blink.

(I'm fully clothed..this mofo is sitting on top of me with not a nar nuthin on)

And before I can push his azz off me and run like hell.. he fixes his lips to say in the most oddest deep voice that I have NEVAAAA heard come out of him before..

are u ready??

are u sure???

He says "Can I SQUIRT on you?"

blink.

blink.

blink.

"DO WHAT NAH??"

Lawd jeeezus I think my heart stopped. Shockingly, my reaction then is wayyyyy different then it would be now..but I politely said "sir, could you and your penis please get off me, I am not interested in your bodily functions being squirted on my nice new shirt. thank you"

thank gaaawwwd he did.. needless to say..I got the hell up outta there in record time..I mean if I was still asleep was he just gonna squirt on me..and wtf squirt..gawd i hate that word. squirt. but that's what he said. SQUIRT.

Was there another date? HELL NAW!!!!

Lesson Learned: This is when I learned to NOT take my azz to mofos houses or invite them to mine.. and I DAYUM sho learned NOT to fall asleep around strange mofos..he coulda kilt me or raped me.. all jokes aside..fam, be careful when you try online dating.. you don't know wtf you finna end up with. And ladies..if a man can't take his time in getting to know you before trying to become intimate or squirt his juices on you, tell him to kick rockz because he's more than likely trying to spread the wealth and who knows what else.

amen.

Until Later..
Meik

The Million Dollar Voice

2010-08-02T19:00:00.011-04:00

What's up fam?

It's been a minute since I've had the opportunity to spotlight someone in my blog, and this particular person that I chose to focus on is full of knowledge and has lots of talent and...well, I could write a book about this brotha, but I'm excited that he's taking all of that and paying it forward with his latest endeavor.

Who is it Meik?

Allow me to re-introduce a man that really needs no introduction: Mr. Michael Keith...

Take a trip with me down memory lane.. all the way back to when music was REAL music...remember the days of "Peaches and Cream", "You Already Know" or the fiyaaahh vocals on "I'm a Playa"?

You may recall Michael Keith aka Mike, as a member of one fourth of the Grammy award winning platinum group 112.

I had the chance to sit down and talk to Mr. Keith about the chance of a lifetime he's offering for folks serious about their craft: singing....(yes ladies I was clutching my pearls during this entire convo...a brotha is fine and his voice is niiiiiice! but I digress..)

Michael Keith's latest venture is into the world of vocal coaching. His reasons are simple, “I was always complaining about the lack of skill in a lot of young people aspiring to be in the music business, so I decided it's time to do something about it. I want to educate them because there's a difference between being a singer versus being a musician. "

Some of you may not know that Mike, although blessed, with his "million dollar voice", had to train his voice and it didn't happen overnight. "I had several years of opera training thanks to one of my high school teachers that saw that I had talent. I thank that teacher for taking the time to teach me the skills and now it's time for me to pass on that same knowledge to others."

That's what I like to see... a brotha that's blessed taking the time to give back... (And allow me to thank Mike's high school teacher and anyone else that influenced him...cuz good lawwwd I could listen to him sing all day...)

So I bet now you're wondering how you can become a student of this Grammy award winning artist?
I'm glad you asked... so pay attention this is gonna go fast...

1. Mike is based in Atlanta, but don't worry.. he's NOW offering lessons via Skype.. so unless you're willing to put in that work... well... you already know what I'm about to say...

2. Price: $40/hr with a minimum of 4 sessions a month... (For you short bus mofos that's $160 and WE don't take personal checks...you know how ya'll do...and a deposit is mandatory...no and's, ifs, or but's about it.)

3. These are one on one session's, so you get his undivided attention (I'm so jealous right now and if only God had given me the ability to sing I'd be right there...)

4. Don't get it twisted though, it's not all about 'do're'meeeee... Mike plans on making sure you know music theory... you have to know what you're singing, why you're singing it, to work on how to sing it... if you get my drift... in layman’s terms...you gotta know where you came from to get to where you're going..

5. ONLY the SERIOUS need to apply. Mike isn't in the business of miracle working, that's God's job, but he does plan to help you train your voice and enhance your singing abilities. "It's a lengthy process, it doesn't just happen overnight or in a couple of sessions," says Mike. (So if you're looking for a quick fix to a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard, this probably ain't the way you wanna go, I'm just saying...)

If you're interested in putting those vocal chords to work make sure you follow Mike on twitter @MKEITHSHAWDY, friend him on Facebook at facebook.com/michaelkeith, and/or you can email him for more information: milliondollarvoiceinc@gmail.com. Tell him I sent you. And when you start raking in the Grammy’s, don't forget Meik! Lol...

Until Later...
Meik..

A mofo's diagnosis

2010-07-30T00:34:00.004-04:00

What's up fam?
I swear fo gawd on my favorite pair of stilettos.. mofos just gonna be mofos regardless of race, creed, color, degree, or profession.

What you mean Meik?

I haven't been feeling well, and my first visit to the doctor a couple of weeks ago resulted in some good ole antibiotics for a sinus infection..well lo and behold that ish just didn't seem to work. I felt like someone had taken their fist and punched me in the face repeatedly, and then I woke up with a swollen eye..now at this point I'm thinking.. "is there a mofo that sneaks in my window at night to whoop my azz then leaves before I wake up?" cuz good lawd.. anyhoo.. so I decide..enough is enough..time to see an Ear Nose Throat Doctor. ..

sounds like a good idea right? yeah I thought so also..but since I'm Meik..ish just never goes the way its supposed to.

So.. I tell the good lil doctor with the bowtie my symptoms of my face hurting, stuffy nose, sore throat, coughing..ill spare the details and politely ask him if a sinus transplant is possible? blink. blink. blink. what? I'm tired of this bullshittahhhh (I'm sorry.. but Daron Jones from 112 has no idea how much I love that word now lol)...

Anyhoo..this mofo.. doctor.. looks in my ears, tries to kill me with the tongue depressor (now..lemme tell u..that thing is the devil.. i REFUSE to cooperate with those things so needless to say.. he didnt get far).. then says.."well, you probably have a migraine."

In the best Joe Jackson stuffy nose voice I can muster up: "Do what nah??"

He says lets do a CT scan and I'll prove it.

Now..I aint no medical genius but I know I just told this mofo my head isn't hurting..MY FACE IS and my THROAT. But whatevs.. he's the doctor. So we do the CT Scan.. he rushes in.. throws the film on the wall thingie and announces this fool azz ish: "its a migraine. yep, you have migraines"

me: sniff, cough, cough, but my head isn't hurting.

Dr. Conrad Murray the second: (yes this is his new nickname..but I aint going out like MJ got dayum it) You have Migraines. I'm going to give you some meds for migraines.

me: blink. blink. sniff. sniff. cough. but my head isn't hurting. why is my nose stuffy, why does my face feel like i got the ish slapped out of me over a blog post, and why does my throat hurt and why the coughing?

Dr Murray the second: Migraines. It causes all that.

me: (to myself) this mofo thinks im stupid.

Dr Murray the second: Take this meds 3x a day.. it will help your head..and you need to see a neurologist.

me: FOR WHAT? MY HEAD DONT HURT.

Dr Murray the second: they can treat your migraines further. until then, take the meds. have a good day.

me: blink. blink. blink. did this mofo just dismiss me?

So.. I head to the pharmacy b/c i wanna know wtf this mofo just gave me..the pharmacist informs me that its meds for bad migraines and asks me my symptoms, I tell her and she says ..ummm why did he give this to you? EXACTLY MY POINT?!

see.. i think the conrad murrays of the world are out to get folks lol.. seriously.. WTF was this mofo doing prescribing this ish to me? wtf would have happened if i had taken it?

So I see my regular doctor a couple days later..tell him the story and he says..no.. your symptoms dont even point to migraines, lemme see the prescription. I show it to him and he says doctors don't even prescribe that particular medicine anymore b/c its so habit forming and has all these side effects and ish.

blink.

blink.

sniff.

cough.

So back to more antibiotics to clear this ish up..

the moral of the story is.. u can't trust mofos.. I'm glad I went with my common sense cuz I knew got dayum well I didnt have no dayum migraine. Beware of the mofos that are quick to diagnose u with ish to get u out of their office quick fast and in a hurry..

Until Later..(and hopefully 100% healthy)
Meik

Cant we just all get along?

2010-07-29T00:13:00.003-04:00

"chile she just look like she a heaux"
"hmm that bish think she betta than everybody"
"who she think she is just cuz she date so and so"
"gawd I wish she'd shut the f up and go on some damn where thinking she smart"

sound familiar? that's the inner workings of the female mind.. the mofoette as I so fondly like to call her.

What you talkin bout Meik?

It amazes me how females just can't seem to get along with each other over petty ish. One of my gal pals was telling me you can't mix certain groups of friends because everyone won't get along. WHY? why can't we as women mingle amongst each other without judging each other , without wishing a bird would drop a load of shittahhh on her head, or hoping her fav stilettos break off while she's walking? geez.. I am the first one to admit that I dont keep a whole lot of chicks in my inner circle.. why? cuz I dont trust mofos.. but then again..I dont keep a whole lot of anybody in my inner circle.

However, I know how to be sociable and mingle with other folkz outside of my circle without acting a damn donkey.

But taking it a step further..shouldnt we women in certain organizations be able to get along even if its for 5 minutes? Should ducking and dodging be how we treat those we call our "sisters"? I think not.. again here we have a case of judging without getting to know someone. Granted I'm talking in code right now so alot of you may not follow me.. but to me a sisterhood means that I should be able to accept you as you are and not assume ish..hell I'm grown enough where I can ask you about any of my pre-judgements without acting simple as hell and avoiding the issue.

It's childish when we as women can't get along all because of simple silly azz reasons like you THINK someone wants your man..do you know for FACT that other woman wants him? or are you ASSUMING that? do you know for FACT that other woman is a bish or stuck up just cuz of her job or the way she carries herself? or are you ASSUMING? Do you know for FACT that woman is ride or die for the organization she represents and is on a mission to seek out all the evil-doers? or are you ASSUMING? do you know for FACT that she is even judging you or are you ASSUMING she is because she's not talking a mile a minute?

***tap tap tap...is this mic on? testing 1, 2, 3....**

ASSuming ish.. makes you look like an ASS.. so my advice is get to know someone before you make snap judgements.. and acting all silly by creating unnecessary drama is for kids.. mofoettes over 30 need to put on their grown woman drawallllllz and act like they have some sense.. If you don't like me.. hey, that's great..chances are i probably don't like u either lol.. but woman up and say that ish.. stirring up ish, then playing the she say game is so high schoolish.. who has time for that? clearly you must be bored if you do.. im not saying we all gotta be friends and sing koom ba yah or ish but Respect is a must.

Until Later..
Meik

Hunger painz

2010-07-13T00:44:00.005-04:00

What's up fam? This ish has been bugging me for awhile..and I'm almost positive I'm not the only one that rolls their eyes whenever these words are uttered by a heffa who has been thru hell in a gasoline dripped handbasket with a mofo ..

"Imma go on this date, cuz it's a free meal.."

uhhhhh since when did food become so hard to come by when your azz works 40 hours a week? Maybe I'm the confused one.

I can't tell you how much it grates my nerves hearing females talk about how they can't stand a dude, but soon as he comes with the offer of dinner and a movie..(IF he comes with it cuz u know how I view these mofos these days and their dating efforts) then they dayum near break their neck to go out with the dude.

FOR WHAT?

Let one of these lames position their finger to dial my number after they have pulled some ole bullshittahhh on me. ..I'm dayum sho not gonna come out the side of my neck accepting his offer to have some wings and fries (cuz i know they aint gonna go all out)... ..I'm dayum sho not FINNTA yeah FINNTA go...Why not Meik? Its freeeeeee..that's a bunch of bullshitttahhhh.

That just means I aint gonna be able to shake his mofo azz and I just might not be in the mood to blog on him LMAO. Seriously though, for the life of me, I can't understand the line of thinking to date someone for the sake of a free meal. Why can't a mofo buy their own meal? Wouldn't you rather eat with someone you like versus someone you hope chokes on the next bite he takes? (disclaimer..unless that's part of ur master plan and u planning to get his azz for cheating or some ish LOL.. **sideeye**)

Eh..maybe I'm just leery of the world, but if I was THAT hungry..I think I'd bust open a packet of chicken flavored ramen noodles and park my azz on the couch..I'm getting old and my nerves aint like they used to be.

Lesson Learned: If you can't afford a meal and have to rely on a mofo to buy you one because you think you getting over on them by making them spend a 50 dollar bill.... CHILE PULEEEZE..that's some ole bullshitttahhhh.. in the end, you probably bout to GET GOT..in one shape, form or fashion..that is all. My advice: if he hurt u once..I'd think real long and hard about that meal he offering to pay for.. his azz probably got some ulterior motive like he want some azz cuz his jumpoff is busy..but hey.. its up to you if u wanna be an OPTION.. im just saying..

Until later..
Meik

A lil goes a long way

2010-07-12T00:33:00.003-04:00

What's up fam? First, thank you to those that read and commented on the blog about me being a Mofo.. I took it down and never want to be reminded of it ever.. that is all.

Moving right along.. this may be a little all over the place but just bear with me..

I was just sitting here thinking about my cumulative dating experiences and overall it f'in sucks but hey, without those experiences, I wouldn't have ish to talk about now would I? But I started to really think about how it seems that there are so many rules to dating nowdays and I like to think I'm an old fashioned type of gal, but apparantly, and according to some mofos ..thats why I remain single.

Now..as much of a mofo as KING Mofo was that broke my heart into a gazillion pieces, he wasn't always the thorn in my azz. (yeah i said it..he wasn't ALWAYS bad).. what you mean Meik?

Well.. I have to give credit where credit is due, he knew how to properly "court" a gal. Granted, he didn't have alot of money, and hell at the time he didn't have a car but lemme break it down to you just HOW he got me.. (yes.. this mofo GOT got..)

1. He listened.. and I don't mean a nod here and there and an uh huh. I mean I told him in passing that my I had broken my bracelet and forgot all about it.. a month later..guess who popped up with a replacement bracelet? yep.. I thought that was a nice gesture.

2. He was interested in what I was doing: at the time I had a tv show on campus that I spent many nights holed up in the studio working on, and he took an interest and helped paint the set, brainstorm, russle up some guests, even sat in as our audience once..and when I was coaching a cheerleading team, as much as he didnt give a hot dayum, he was right there in the stands just cuz he knew it'd mean a lot to me.. its the lil things..

3. He paid me some attention and communicated: yes I admit, I can be quite demanding and require alot of attention IF and WHEN I want to be bothered, but he found the balance of paying me that attention without going overboard or neglecting me.. for example, a simple hey i was just thinking about you phone call or a text message.. again.. it doesn't take but a minute out of ur dayum day .. if u can tweet u can tell a dayum chick hi...can't u?? im just saying..

4. Thoughtfulness goes a long azz way.. I never asked for flowers..EVER.. but for our first few dates..every date, he gave me a rose (now had I been the sentimental type I probably woulda kept the ish..but anyhoo).. and those times when neither one of had a damn ride.. we still managed to have fun, even if it was just sitting and talking. mofos don't talk anymore...they just hunch.

5. He respected me (in the beginning anyway ..we all know how the story ends).. he never pressured me to do anything and respected when I said No..or Im not ready.. seems like nowdays that idea is foreign to mofos.

I could go on and on, but I guess what I'm saying is, I realize that not all men are the same, but for me, I tend to use him as my measuring stick when it comes to being woo'd. It's not rocket science and it really boils down to the little things that go a long way. I don't know.. maybe the days of a guy going the extra mile has died out.. or maybe they just don't do it for me.. who knows? Sometimes I wonder, what makes a guy go out of his way for some and not for others? eh well, im putting too much thought into this.. and ladies, I didn't forget you.. we have to step it up as well.. but once he showed me he was serious about "courting" me, then I was serious about how much I was gonna step ish up. Mofos don't get that just cuz u bought me a dinner don't mean I'm bout to cook you a 5 course meal.. U got to earn that. Unfortunately, no one in my lil bit of dating experience has earned ish but a place in my blog..

Until later..
Meik..

A dream, a mofo, and my nerves..

2010-07-02T12:25:00.005-04:00

What up Fam?
Lemme give you some insight into the most dumbazztical phone convo I had last nite from a blast from the past:

Him: So what are you trying to do next?

Me: I'm trying to make this writing thing happen..if LA, ATL, NY or whoever calls..I'm out..

Him: Well what am I supposed to do if you move? I thought we'd finally be together.. just wait on me for about 5 years then we can have kids, and buy land and a house...besides you would hate all those cities, and you should just probably give up on writing, I mean, you have a good job now.

SCCCCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH..... (that's me slamming on the brakes!!)

Mofo.. DO WHAT NOW?!

Fam, if you follow me on twitter then you already know I was in disbelief but couldn't quite hang up on this fool, because I had to know what other ignorance he was about to spew. Let's continue shall we..cuz oh yeah it gets better....

Me: Do you even know WHAT I write?
Him: crickets...chirp..chirp.....chirp....
Me: HELLLLOORRRRRRR do u??
Him: uhhh.. Im not a blogger so I don't read what you write.
Me: blink. blink. blink.

Ok.. I must stop here with this BULLSHITTTTAAAAHHHH.... (I'm on a Daron Jones kick..and luv when he says that in one of his songs and if u dont know who im talkin bout..go back a few blog posts..but I digress)....

How can this negro expect me to want to be in a relationship with him and he 1. can't support my dreams/goals/aspirations 2. Don't even read or know about the very things that I've been working on 3. well he's just flat out ignate..

Fam, I see this in so many relationships around me.. and I'm not just talking about dating, I'm talking about friends, family, people looking for the come-up ect..

It's funny to me..those same ones that can't support someone but are quick to tear them down, try to knock them off their path, or talk that bullshiiittttahhhh, are the very ones as soon as a mofo makes their dream/goal happen.. with their f'in hands out..or talking that.."yeahhhh I always knew you was gonna make it"..bia puleeeeze..

If you can't support a sista (or whomever) from day one.. then what do we have to build on? Granted, sometimes you may not agree with a person's goals , but to selfishly use their goals against them is just wrong in my book.

Now if you are dayum near 40, and STILL trying to make a rap career pop off, then we'd just have to have a talk and tweak your plan to get there..but I'd still be supportive if you're my friend ect.. I'm not gonna tell you that's never gonna happen, sit ya azz down somewhere ect.. (granted I might think it, but I'd never say it out loud LMAO).. seriously... everyone has a dream that they may want to see come into fruition and if you don't have the support from those around you, then its hard to want to keep pushing to make it happen.. and then it could just boil down to a mofo can't support someone if they don't have their own dayum goals and dreams and they are just sippin on that punk-naide with crushed ice..

Lesson Learned: Cut ties with ignate azz mofos that are selfish and wanna knock u off the path of greatness.. just like that one saying: I can do bad all my dayum self..and that's no BULLLLSHIIIIITTTTAHHH!

Stay Fab and Keep Dreaming!

~Meik

P.S. the rest of the convo must be dissected in later blogs..I'm tired of writing for now. lol.

Non Networking Mofos..

2010-06-19T01:46:00.003-04:00

What up fam?
I just had something I needed to get off my chest after a couple of weeks of folks hitting me up about the same thing..its time for me to address the ish head on..

"Can you give me some of your contacts information?"
"Can you introduce me to people you know so that I can call them to sell them something?"
" Help me, help you, so can you give me the names of some people that you deal with?"

In the best Joe Jackson voice I can muster up " DO WHAT NOW?"

People..it's called networking for a reason..and in this case..let's break it down:

Net= INTERNET
WORK= DO YOUR OWN DAYUM WORK

Get it?

First and foremost as a journalist and blogger, I will not now or ever give up contact information for anyone that I deal with.. As a Friend, same dayum thing.. In my humble opinion, if I can make the net work for me, then you have the same dayum opportunity to do the same. Social networking sites are made just for that.. networking.. you have to pull up your granny panties or grow a pair of bizalls and muster up the courage to introduce yourself and make things happen. Do you honestly think I got any interviews that I have done for this site or any others or even work just by asking someone else to do the work? HELL NO.. I make the ish happen ON MY OWN. Same thing applies in a social setting..if I want to interview someone..I figure out a way to make it happen.

With that being said, stop asking me to give up contact information for people. It's one thing if you need a push in the right direction like a publicist or manager but its a whole nother ballgame if you are asking for ish like phone numbers so you can make insurance sales calls or some ish..

Bottom line and lesson learned: Do your own dayum networking.. in the long run, you never know what can happen if you take the initiative and just TRY.. that is all.

A Tale of Chicken bones and a Crackhead

2010-06-15T02:00:00.003-04:00

What's up fam?
I needed a good laugh so I thought I'd share one of my oh so work hazardous blogs with ya.. take a trip with me down memory lane to the summer of 2008..

Just when I thought the day was going okay and bitchassness was under control...I discovered: I hates me a crackhead.

So during the summer of 2008, I was freelancing at a tv station.. and it just so happens this was the day that I, the lone photographer, camera and all got sent out on my own.. (which may or may not be a good thing cuz you know shyt only happens to me)...My assignment: Get 3 to 4 soundbytes about the delay in potholes being repaired.

Simple enough....

So I had an hour to do it..so I go to this lil gas station...now I dont know it to be a hood like area..so im thinking im good..right?

I get permission to post up outside..and I ask this one man if I can interview him..he says naw..but my friend over there will talk to you...I turn around and my first clue should have been if u go inside the store and buy a box of chicken and you can't wait to get home to eat it..instead u sit on the sidewalk and shove it down your throat like its the last supper..im just sayin..but he looked semi normal and I was in crunch time mode..

SOOOOO I head over and in my nicest sweet voice ( no mean mug visible) ask him if he'd like to talk about the story and he just f'in snaps...tells me that I must think he's stupid but he's older than I am and he knows damn full well that money dont pay for the road repairs.... bonds do.

(in my head I'm thinking who the f is he screeching at..but I digress..)

And he continues to harp on and on about how he can't be all over the tv..he just moved here and owes taxes..to me that equals..mofo got a warrant out for that ass..

blink.

blink.

blink.

ummm okkkkay...thanks for ur time. So I run off...grab another couple of people and am like cool..I just need a couple more and I can bounce..next thing you know I hear:

" Keisha. Keisha. KEISHA. GURL I KNOW U HEAR ME. KEISHA. oh its like that now? u just aint gonna talk to a brotha? Just cuz you educated dont mean I dont know nuthin. KEISHA. KEISHA!!!!!

So I'm thinking must this mofo be so loud? I'm trying to get this ish done so I can roll out.. so I roll my eyes and keep on fiddling with the camera..

KEISHA. KEISHA.

GOT DAYUM GURL U HEAR ME CALLIN U!!! KEISHA! KEIIIIIIIISSSSHAAA!

I'm thinking..his girl must really be ignoring the hell out of this chicken grease azzed mofo...

So I turn around to be nosey and he's like "oh its like that now...I dont wanna talk bout no pot holes cuz you tryin to make me look stupid and get me caught up and u wanna act funny keisha?"

ya'll know Meik is a fool right?

so I ask in the nicest way possible.. WHO IS KEISHA?

He informs me that he knows my name is Keisha cuz he saw it on my badge.

umm I thought damn...maybe I'm the crackhead...so I double check it cuz maybe the heat done got to me, maybe all this time I was wrong about my own dayum name...nope..still says Meik..im good.

So I tell him my damn name aint Keisha. Fam.. WHY did this fool argue with me about it? More importantly..why did I bother?

So as I move my camera to get some other interviews, this fool comes whizzing by on a skateboard with chicken grease all over his mouth and then falls off the skateboard...TRIPPED by a f'in chicken bone.

u know I was dying inside..but I'm a professional. So I said U aight? What are you doing???

He says "look Keisha..I'm just living my life..the best way I can."

At that moment a loud truck passes by and so I ask him to repeat what he just said.

He responds: "Oh..u think cuz you educated u gonna act funny keisha? oh ok...I said I'm just living my life by having fun on a skateboard" and takes off only to fall off soon as he got around the corner. I know he thinks I didn't hear him say ouch but I did kinda hope he skinned his f'in face up.

Lesson Learned: Evaluate your surroundings..if chicken bones are on the ground, you are probably in a hood like environment and crackheads are lurking nearby. Never let one make u question who you are...it'll f up your whole day.

Hope u got a good laugh..

Stay Fantab!

~Meik AKA KEISHA...

A Mofo got his nerve

2010-05-25T01:35:00.003-04:00

What up fam?
If you follow me on twitter or we're friends on facebook, then you already know that I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past few weeks with family issues.. especially my grandmothers getting sick and being in the hospital.

Now usually I'm not one to ask for folks to listen and hold my hand and pat me on the back and woo woo with me.. I may ask for prayers, but I'm not gonna spill my heart out and tell you what's wrong, how I feel about it, ect.. Writing is my outlet period point blank the end. However, when it comes to my friends, they know that I'll always listen and offer my unsolicited opinions lol...ect whenever they need it.

Which brings me to the point of this blog: I have reached a whole new level of pissitivity over the weekend.

What you mean Meik?

Glad you asked. A guy that I know gave me a call the other night. He was out at a restaurant and wanted me to come out and meet him, but he sensed that I was sounding a lil down and out. So after he kept asking what was wrong, I started to tell him how worried I was about my grandmothers and their health ect.. and before I could finish my thought.. he butts in with "oh I'm glad I got my grandparents deaths out of the way when I was younger, I hate seeing you go through this now"...

errr.. blink. blink. blink.

My grandmothers aint dead and Lord willing they won't be anytime soon. WTF kind of ish is that to say to someone?

This is clearly when I should have hung up ...but blame it on my emotional distress..

So I try once more to explain to this FOOL that they have all been in the hospital over the past two weeks ect.. and he cuts me off again and says Hold on..

*****lemme interrupt our regularly scheduled program for a sec and tell you that this is a man that has unrelentlessly TRIED to be the man in my life, but I aint having that ish cuz we've been down this road before..granted I was 17 at the time, but his ignate azz aint changed.. now pay attention cuz this is gonna go kind of fast, but before I continue, remember this key fact: the day before he was talking about how he wanted another chance and ish.. ok back to the program****

Him: Hold on!

Me: Aight.. sniff. sniff.

Him: damn, you are one pretty ass girl

Her: giggle giggle..tee hee heee.. thank you..

Him: Damn just sexy as hell

Her: tee heee heee sniggle heee awww you are cute

Him: So what's up lemme holla at you for a minute..

Me: WTF .. HELLO?!

Him: Hold on a sec..
So what's up shawty.. how long you gonna be in here..

Me: CLICK. ***DIALTONE***

Now.. I know good and hell well this mofo didn't just do what I think he did.. naw.. He DID NOT cut me off in the middle of me telling him about my grandmothers...mind you.. one is in ICU and he gonna put me on hold cuz of a piece of ass walking by?

Get.
The.
F.
Outta.
Here.

blink. blink. blink. blink.

This mofo here.. wooooooo chile ..now don't get it twisted..its not the fact that he hollared at a chick.. i could care less cuz he aint my man, but come on its rude and disrespectful.. hell at least, tell me you'll call back, MUTE the gawd doggone phone or something!

So I guess after he gets the digits he realizes ooooh hell Meik aint on the phone no more.. so he calls.. and calls and calls.. now u know i aint bout to answer this phone. Under any other circumstance..maybe i would have and then proceeded to cuss his ass the f out..but i was and still am emotionally drained and don't have the energy to f'in fight with an ignate azz.

So.. I decide.. I'll at least shoot a text.. it says..U cut me off to holla at a chick..mmmk.. wow.

He replies.. "You mean the world to me..and I dont know why I do the things I do, I'm a good guy"..

WTF..

WHERE DEY DO DAT AT? "U mean the world to me, but I can't listen to you for five seconds even though I talked your ear off for months about my issues..but hey I gotta holla at this piece of ass".. ***blank stare** mmk.

And that good guy ish? Who is he tryin to convince..me or himself? boy bye.

Needless to say.. I did not respond and will never respond to a nar nother text or phone call from this fool.

I am however realizing that sometimes, you are your own best friend, and the only person that is really there for you 24/7 with a shoulder to lean on and cry on is God.

Lesson Learned: MUTE IS A WONDERFUL THING.. the end.

~Until later.. stay classy fab!
Meik

The Bakery is Closed Mofos!

2010-05-21T00:47:00.004-04:00

“When you gonna let me sample the goodies?”

You’re familiar with the saying “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” — that’s Shakespeare for you non-reading folks.

The Goodies, peach cobbler, cookies, cream puffs or whatever you call the female genitalia — it’s still the same — but stepping to a female uttering a sentence is above and beyond disrespectful. ESPECIALLY in the 25 and up crowd.

My response: The bakery is closed.

Whatever happened to the days of getting to know someone and letting things progress naturally until you decide the man is worthy of the peach cobbler? Maybe there’s a permanent full moon that’s out in 2009 that allows these fools to utter the words—“when you gonna let me hit that, cause I can do this and I’m working with that.”

Blink. Blink.

Are you kidding me?

I’m sorry, but I think the women are going to have to take a hit on this one. It’s a vicious cycle:

I blame those chicks out there that find this bullshit cute and see nothing wrong with keeping the bakery open 24/7 letting folks sample the pastries.

Then in turn, those same men think the next chick they meet will have the same philosophy and allow him to come right on in and put his finger and other unmentionables in the pudding.

So no wonder diseases run rampant these days.

I’m trying to wrap my brain around the women that turn these fools down that get the response “oh you must not like sex” or “you must be a lesbian.”

In the words of Joe Jackson: "Do what now???"

Just because some of us have self-esteem and value our bakeries then we have the issues?

mmmk.. whatevs..

I’d rather have my sweets in tact and be able to look myself in the mirror the next day in all my prettiness, rather than have to deal with the ish that comes with jumping in the sack with someone I know nothing about.

So excuse us for having standards and not being willing to just leave the door unlocked for you to stick the doughnut and leave your glaze all over it only to turn around and do it to someone else tomorrow.

Lesson Learned: Fellas, it’s 2010, you’ve got to do better. Many of you wonder why you can’t find a good woman. Take a step back, look at how you approach us and think to yourself: would you want your mother, sister, cousin, or even daughter to drop the panties for lame lines like that? No, I think not. You’d want them to keep the bakery locked up tight with the key in a safe until the time is right.

Ladies, we as women deserve to be celebrated rather than treated like an old stale lemon cake. If these men want to satisfy their sweet tooth without handling their biz the correct way, then politely remind them: They have two good hands, use them.

Stay Classy..
Until Later..
~Meik

Them Shoes are a MOFO

2010-05-19T01:04:00.003-04:00

What up fam?
Mofo Chronicles isn't just a blog about everybody and their mammy that I find funny..hell I am able to laugh at myself soooooo I guess I'll share..let's take a walk down memory lane..

Picture this.. the year.. 2009.. Charlotte, NC (sorry I had a Sophia moment from the Golden Girlz)

As some of you may recall.. I used to volunteer at a high school e'ery now and again..and this particular sunny morning I was supposed to be there at 715 (which we already know didn't happen cuz i usually don't get home til about 1030 some nites then im up half the nite f'in with ya'll on facebook and twitter LOL...and not getting to bed til about 2 or 3..) anyway..so needless to say I had to get my azz up early..

So as Im frantic trying to hurry up and get ready (and still half asleep might i add), I realize I need to wear my black boots to match my outfit and anyone that knows me ..knows dayum well i have boots in every dayum color and a few in the same color just different styles..well my lazy azz has just been tossing the shoes in the closet instead of picking them up and placing them where they belong..so now i have like 3 pairs of black boots all laid out beside each other...

So i grab the first pair i see...

Put em on and run the hell out the door..BUT NOT before checking my DISTINGUITIVE SWAG (ok see previous blog on the ignate azz at the dollar general to get that joke) in the mirror ...I got on my skinny jeans and im thinking something aint quite right but i cant put my finger on it but i gotta roll..cuz its already 7:40 and I aint left yet...(yeah im on CP time hell..)..but hey i know im cute and you never know when you might roll up on a sexy azz teacher or parent LOL.. (and oooooh weeee there was a fine football coach that used to roam the halls..wait..lemme come back..i got a lil distracted with my thoughts.. whew chile)

I digress..

Now as I'm walking into the school, I'm thinking...something aint right..I'm walking like I just had an f'in hip replacement or like its out of socket or some ish..and i chalk it up to me joining the gym and working out on the elliptical for 40 minutes... (out of shape..ehhh maybe)

anyway...i finally get situated in the classroom where im supposed to be judging senior projects/presentations (which is a whole nother blog but i aint going into all that)..and as im listening to student number 3... i look down...

WTF???!!!

I thought I put on my boots with the 3 inch skinny heel...WTF...no wonder I feel off...I have on my black boots with the 2 inch heel that has a wider heel on it..

So I keep on listening...

Cross my leg..take a sip of water...look down..and nearly spit that ish out all over that student..

WTF???!!!!

how in the hot hayle do i have on my 3 inch skinny heel black boots?! I know i just looked and it wasn't those shoes!

dammit.

That's cuz I got on one of each!!

IM

SO

EMBARRASSED!!!!

MY

DIVA

PRIDE

IS

SHOT

TO

HELL!!!

All i could do was sit there uncomfortable and pray these students speak faster...
First chance I get I take off to the restroom and into a stall...

Ladies..that aint the spot to go if u tryin to hide your shoes...im frantically texting as fast as i can...

and one heffa friends tells me "act like u starting a new trend"..i hate her.

So I go back to the classroom and do what any other pretty diva in this situation would do...

LIE LIKE A MOFO...and u know i have plenty of experience listening to mofos...

I tell them folks I gotta go handle some biz at the job and I'll holla...

I couldn't get home fast enough to take these shoes off...

OMG..I don't know ..only me..I hope and pray no one saw this ish...I just dont know what the hell i was thinking..

Then my daddy gonna inform me that maybe Im lacking vitamins and that's why i did the ish...

IS HE FOR REAL??!!

Lesson Learned:

Wake yo azz up early enuff so you can make sure your ish is right before you leave the house..and if you look in the mirror..DOUBLE CHECK THAT ISH..i knew something was off but ignored it...

The bright side is...least I didn't run into any cuties..

Stay Fabu cuz im trying to ***as i hang my head in pure d-dayum shame*** i guess even the most fabulous of us all have bad days lol..

~Meik..

20 Questions: The Smurfs.. La La La La La La

2010-04-30T00:59:00.002-04:00

What up fam? I was sitting here procrastinating cuz im oh so good at it.. and decided to watch the Smurfs.. let's just take a minute and thank the BOOM Network for showing some of our fav cartoons from back in the day.. (now if they ever air Jem and the Holograms Imma act a got dayum fool and never leave my couch..ya heard?!)
Anyhoo..as I'm watching.. I started noticing some ish...soo I thought I'd bring it to ya'll and see if u can help answer my questions about the Smurfs:

1. Remember Smurf Cereal.. why they stop making that ish?

2. Remember the Smurf Glasses with the different smurfs on em?..I think Hardees used to have them..matter of fact.. where the heck are mine?!

3. Do you think Smurfette was a hoe? I mean she was the ONLY chick in the village...im just saying...

4. Who bred all them damn smurfs?

5. Why come Papa Smurf got to wear red?

6. Was this a damn cult he was leading ..cuz why everybody else gotta wear white?

7. Why come they aint got nametags?

8. Why come they don't have nipples?

9. What kind of animal/mammal/reptile/ creature is a smurf? they have tails.

10. WTF did Baby Smurf come from?!

11. When Baby Smurf gets older...does his/her name change? To Grown Ass Smurf?

12. I think Papa Smurf was a bit incestious dont u? **side eye**

13. Was he everybody's daddy? Or just Smurfette's "DADDY"? lol

14. Seriously.. where did Baby Smurf come from.. Smurfette was never preggo.. or was she?

15. Did the Shroom houses mean they were all druggies?

16. Wtf named these smurfs? Greedy, brainy, clumsy..why they can't have names like Mike, Tito, Jackie, Marlon and Jermaine ..normal names that I can remember..hell..

17. Im thinking they dont wear drawz...nasty blue mofos.. what u think?

18. Smurfette's dress was more of a tank top, u think she got cold? and why come she always had on heels..dont her feet hurt?

19. Where did Brainy get them glasses cuz im almost positive there aint no optomestrist in the village or a drugstore...or is there?

20. Why come there wasn't a rapper smurf? that would have been fun. blink. blink.

So any help ya'll could give me by answering this for me would be fab..cuz im concerned LOL. and don't act like ya'll aint NEVERRRRR thought of this ish.. its just funny how u can watch a cartoon now that you watched when you were a kid and see it completely different.. anyhoo..

Stay ON A THOU!
~Meik

A lesson in Giving Back..

2010-04-27T23:04:00.003-04:00

Whats up fam? As I was checking my email's and came across one that needed volunteers for the school system..it reminded my of a story from my first day as a volunteer at a local high school...

This bout to be a bumpy ride..so hold tight...

I decided last year to start off my new year the right way by doing something I had never done...volunteering without being forced to..

Volunteering as what Meik?

Volunteering in the school system...Meik loves the kids..(well..some of em)..

My first day volunteering and I am picked to be on a panel of judges to judge senior projects...apparantly students pick their topics in their sophmore years and work on this project throughout the junior year and then put the finishing touches on it and present it their senior year. (gawd help me if i'd had to do that ish in high school but i digress)..

The idea of presenting the projects to a panel was supposed to go like this:

1. Present a letter to the judges that explains who you are and your project.

2. Present your project with powerpoint slides, and finish with a product

3. End presentation and answer questions.

Simple enough huh?

Now...here's where I have issues..these kids have had a couple years to get this ish together and EVERY presentation I sat thru from 9a until 130p looked like they threw it together the previous week. One in particular stood out to me...

His project: Women in Politics...great topic right? especially with the 2008 election...

Now most students dressed for the part...suit and tie, dresses..ect..this lil big mofo (yeah lil cuz he young, big cuz he well...big) had on baggy jeans, and a big t-shirt that came to his knees and LONG fingernails..ugh...and big azz earrings.

His powerpoint ....black lettering on purple background...umm we can't see that ish..so he proceeds to stand at the computer and read word for word...well u know me..im like what is this ish? everytime the word should say WOMEN it says WOMAN..so for example "WOMAN IN POLITICS" and he continues to read it just like that..

So after we ask him to talk to us rather than read , its clear he has no idea what his project is on b/c he is talking about voting rights and slavery. WTF...so I ask him why he didnt include Palin or Clinton in this project and he blinks at me for about a minute....then says..well i didnt decide to do this until after the election.

blink.

blink.

blink.

WTF? u had 2 yrs to do this...u have the most historical election EVERRRRR and u dont include ish on it??!!

So he pulls out this board with newspaper clippings and ish on it...so im like ok..tell us about it..

blink..

blink..

blink...

ummmmm well these woman are in charge.

WTF? WHO???

he repeats it for each picture and i want to f'in scream.

Finally I say...umm well, how does this project tie in with the new governor elect bev perdue.

He says "well..it means woman are stepping up".

blink.

blink.

IS HE SERIOUS???

At this point im done. and so are the other judges.

I ask you, how is it students like this are getting promoted to the next grade. This is a senior that has every intention of going to college...but how will he make it if no one takes the time to sit his lil big behind down and teach him and correct him?!

Its just sad..so I think God put me in the right place to help these kids..cuz lawd knows they gonna need it...

So today's lesson: volunteer... you never know someone might just need your help..think about it..did you get to where you are without some sort of help?

...don't talk about it..be about it...

~Meik

A Non-Reading Mofo

2010-04-25T23:02:00.002-04:00

Fam.. sometimes I just wonder why I even bother stepping outside my house..
Well.. Today I decide on my lunch break to venture over to the Dollar General.. and I know dayum hell well that this one is a lil hood-listical at times..but eh..its the closest one to the job..and I needed to get some ish..
So I had on a Tshirt today that reads: SWAGGA: A mode of dress, having great taste in fashion, a person's DISTINCTIVE style and confident presentation of self.

***note the key word here is DISTINCTIVE***

Ok.. now that we got that out of the way.. let's proceed..

So as I'm checking out...my cashier looks like Precious' smaller sister, complete with a lil ponytail (which why do folks do that ish, if you don't have hair..the ish is NOT meant to be pulled back into a ponytail.. then its just a ony.. clearly...missing some ish..anyhoo i digress..)

So we'll just call her Lil Precious.. she leans over and says : "what you shurt say"? (im writing as if she's talking so now imagine the accent and ish)

I say..its the definition of Swagga..its an old tee.. hell i just threw it on..

you'd think she'd stop.. but no..just b/c my name is Meik...the ish continues..

Lil Precious says..: hmmm mode of dress, having grape taste in fashion, a person's da- da- da- DA-STINGUITIVE style.. that right? DA-STINGUITIVE?

blink.

blink.

blink..

now.. I aint no fool.. I can't fight worth a dayum and this heffa is huge and I'm in a hurry so i just co-sign and say Yeah girl.. that's exactly right..

(dont judge me..hell her english teacher is at fault not me!)

Lil Precious then says: well.. sometimes it be hard to get all dem sylla-bulls out dont it?

Me: Yes chile..I know.. that Da-Stinguitive ish is a rough one.. i know exactly what you mean. (i told ya'll i aint crazy..i just keep on co-signing with her)

Lil Precious: DA-STINGUITIVE.. i like that.. imma get me one of dem shurts.. where you get that at?

Me: Charlotte Russe or Rue 21..

Lil Precious: Where dat is..

Ok at this point I feel like I'm Sherri Shepherd in the dayum movie and i just refuse to finish this got dayum convo .. so I just say at the mall and have a fab day..

i hate ignate ish. i think a lil part of me should hate myself for co-signing on this ignorance..but i just couldn't help it.

Lesson Learned:
Don't wear shirts that require mofos to read..cuz some cannot read.. that is all.

More than wordz

2010-04-23T00:15:00.004-04:00

What's up fam...as most of you know..writing is my outlet when I can't really verbally express how I'm feeling..so bear with me..I gotta get these thoughts out..so it maybe a lil all over the place..

I've always been the type to never really let anyone get too close, and yet I learned at an early age how to hide behind the mask and pretend everything is okay..

years later.. its really not okay.. the proverbial shit has hit the fan and my life as I know it will probably never be the same.. but the funny part is, I can remember every single night laying in my bed with my headphones over my ears begging God to fix it and He never did (and no this aint got ish to do with some sexual abuse before u get it twisted..).. and now, while there may be light at the end of the tunnel, it's weird.. Im not comforted by that..

I think its because for so long I didn't let anyone in to let them know what was wrong, and now that I need someone to talk to, listen, hear me scream, cry, curse and whatever else.. no one is there. All of the memories, all of the angst, hurt, pissitivity, regret ect is boiling over now, and ....i dont know..

I guess what I'm trying to say is keeping ish bottled up for so long only hurts you in the end.. unfortunately, I still don't trust anyone enough to start from the beginning and spill it..

On the other hand, I've always been big on redirecting my focus onto other things..hence probably the reason im always all over the place, blogging, writing, school, work, side hustling and anything else..just so i dont have to be alone with my thoughts..

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this blog anymore.. but I do want to reach out and thank every single person that reads my blogs, articles, crazy tweets, facebook, and myspace statuses.. You may not realize it, but every encouraging word goes a long way.. and right now.. I need that more than you know.. so Thank You..

~Meik.

Just another day in the newz biz

2010-04-20T01:27:00.003-04:00

What's up fam..
When I'm a lil down and out, I usually read and what better material than my own ish? Anyhoo.. In honor of Eastland Mall closing in Charlotte.. I thought it's only fitting to post this blog.. enjoy!!

*****************************
July 2008

If you've been following my blogs then you already know...shyt ONLY happens to me...and this lil story would be reason 5thousand gazillion and one on why i need to just leave the news biz and run like hell..

If you live in Charlotte..then you know that Eastland Mall is in a hood fabulous area and basically if u aint wearing a bullet proof vest...then u need to stay your azz out from over there...and of course the day i dont have mine ...shyt wanna pop off...

So I'm back on the assignment desk today and we hear on the scanner that there's a shooting at Eastland Mall...okay...whatever...that aint nothing new...except..our only folks that can shoot the video are over a freaking hour away on another story. So that leaves guess who to go to the hood at freaking 630pm on a saturday night?...

no...go head..just guess...

I'll wait.

blink.

blink.

u got it...MEIK.

Soooo I load up, and high tail it out there..and pray that I dont get caught in the crossfire of anything but just in case, I call my sister and parents and bid them a goodbye LOL...(and wouldnt u know a certain fool only cares about what I have of hers on my body? and my dad is threatening to tear the streets up of the queen city if one hair on my head is harmed but didnt answer when i tried to call him back later LOL..but that's a whole nother blog) ...so soon as I get to the parking lot..Security Guard Senor Rodriguez or whatever his name is comes flying towards me screaming WE NO NEWS...WE NO NEWS...and he tells me to go over to the bus stop and that I can shoot my video over there...I look over to the bus stop and think awwww shit. It's packed with hood fab folks and here i go tossin this long azz hair with a camera and these mofos gonna act up...suprisingly..they were the tame ones.

So I do what I gotta do..but not without problem number one...the f'in tape is raggedy and wont let me record..so im hyperventilating inside thinking at any moment one of these mofos gonna knock me out and take my camera and stuff...thankfully Meik carries a lil of everything in her purse..so I just happen to have a spare tape in there LOL..dont ask..

Problem two..everytime I point the camera in another direction ole Senor Rodriguez drives that f'in security jeep in front of the shot and parks that biatch there and gets out and keeps saying WHAT YOU SHOOT? ugh..i hates me an ignorant mofo.

So I take about 10 min to get a few different angles, talk to the Mall Manager, and then Im thinking...good...now get the F outta here...

So i pick up my tripod and high step it as fast as I can in my wedge sandals LOL...and damn..almost home free to the truck.

One of the ugliest mofos I have ever seen in my f'in life pulls up and flings the door open to his jeep and he's blocking me...and you got it..he's f'in African and wearing the most hideous brown and tan velvety outfit (it's f'in JULY..aka HOT AS SHIT OUTSIDE)...and he's got the matching Stacey Adams and face just greased to high heaven.

damn damn damn.

So I do what any self respecting girl would do...turn the f around and throw that camera on the tripod and act busier than a mofo LOL...

but u know..just cuz its me..that shyt didnt work.

He slinks over and is breathing down my neck wanting to know what I'm doing and who i work for..NEVERMIND THE F'N TRUCK HAS OUR NAME ALL OVER IT AS DOES THE CAMERA..gawd i hate mofos.

Then he keeps telling me (with every last tooth in his head chipped off) that I look good and he wanna meet me..ummm am i mistaken but aren't u in my face now? So I tell him I'm engaged and he's looking for the ring...u know i got an answer right? Oh ......I dont wear it when Im working LMAO..gawd i hate myself sometimes.

So as I'm trying to get away from him...this van creeps up and im thinking great..now im bout to get my f'in head blown off during a drive by and Senor Rodriguez is nowhere to be found and this african is still thinking he has a chance in hell with me..

The window rolls down and its two old white ladies...whew..right?

They ask me what happened..and I tell them a shooting just went down and then they ask me if its safe to go in...the f'in african butts in with yes its safe..and im like i wouldnt recommend it...

Granny in the driver seat says..."Oh we can go in..I got something for them"..and she leans over and Im thinking oh how cute..she got some mace or some lil cute something to scare the bad men away so i lean in a lil bit so i can see...

and this mofo whips out a gawd dog gone gun...

my black azz grabbed the tripod, camera and threw the deuces...

BUT the african just wont let me gooooooooo...DAMMMMMMMN!!!!

He's busy asking me can he call me , take me out, visit the station, make me leave my man ect and I'm throwin the shyt in the truck and he's still talking and I'm like DUDE I GOTS TO GO..NICE MEETING YOU...and roll out.

I was so f'in shook by that lil ole white lady and that gun LOL..and I cannot for the life of me understand why mofos that have a chance won't talk to me but the mofos that should gawd dog gone no better are the ones that are persistant as hell..UGH. I had another run in later but I cannot blog on it until I get my nerves together....I digress ...

Lesson Learned:

FOLKS IS CRAZY...nuff said.

Stay Fantab and keep a supply of nerve pillz nearby!

Beggin azz mofos

2010-04-20T01:14:00.002-04:00

What up fam? I was digging thru my bag of blogs and came across this one I wrote in 08 and well hell frankly i find it funny LMAO.. so i needed a good laugh and thought i'd share with ya.. enjoy!

***********************************
December 2008

Gawd. I hates me a begging mofo. Well..I hate all kinds of mofos..but especially the begging kind...

Take for example...I gave my number to this fool tryin to be nice and because he just moved to town and didn't know anyone..because apparantly nowdays u can't fool mofos by giving em a fake number b/c they wanna call your phone right then and there to make sure u gave em the right number...ANYHOO..so i warned him, that im a busy chick so i don't always answer the phone ..leave a message and when i remember i'll get back to u..MAYBE.

Well...few hours later..he calls...I missed the call and forgot to call back...then the text messages start...so I respond to the first couple...then say munk it..he's annoying...so i tell him i work 24/7 (most mofos can take a hint..but not this one)...he proceeds to text me his life story..im talking bout how he up and moved with no money, has no job, no friends, blah blah..yeah i know..i sure know how to pick em lol...

So I put him on my ignore list...and he faded into the sunset for a couple days..then two days ago, the calls started up again..one time he caught me off guard and i munked up and answered the phone but i told him i was at work and hung up..

Fast forward to a few days later..he calls and I figure..lemme just tell this fool point blank...we can't even be friends. So i tell him..the whole..its not you , its me b.s...and then tell him i met someone and all that jazz (ok i lied..but hell..) so he says:

"Well can't u just give me a 30 day trial?"

blink.

blink.

blink.

Mofo...this ain't no shyt u buy and return to the store..WTF? Naw. Hell naw.

"Well..a 20 day trial? I mean, we can be friends for a couple days then it can segueway into dating"

blink.

blink.

blinkblinkblink...

Naw. I don't think this fool gets it.

"Well, how bout I bring you some lunch, I mean you just tell me where you work and I'll bring it to you."

Nucca..I don't eat.

"Well...how bout we just meet up, hang out, and just become best friends?"

Ok..at this point im like why am i still on this gawd dawg phone...so since im in the store..i find some paper..crinkle it up and tell him i can't hear him ..its static or something and hang the f up.

Gawd.

What kind of world are we living in that mofos gotta resort to begging?

Get some self esteem bout yo'self. hell.

I just don't understand. I WISH I would BEG a mofo when I can clearly see they aint interested...

I blame Steve Urkel.

Why Meik? well...he worried the hell out of Laura til he got her..even if he did have to alter himself to do it...hell. I don't get it..and its makin my head hurt dealing with the triflin-ness that is in the queen city...

Lesson Learned:
Be up front and honest from jump and well hell..
Don't give out the digits...EVER.

Keep it classy!
~Meik

It's been a long time coming..

2010-04-04T02:51:00.008-04:00

What's up fam?
I know you're wondering if I've turned all nice and inspiring and ish..but no.. I'm still me.. but every now and again, I run across someone that inspires me and I want to put the spotlight on them to allow you, my readers, the opportunity to realize that the world doesnt just have MOFOS running around.. there are some good ones and with that said..

Allow me to introduce to you a man that really honestly needs no introduction, or rather shall I say allow me re-introduce a familiar face with a voice we all came to know and lust after I mean love..
Take a stroll back with me to the mid 90's.. "Come See Me", "Cupid", "Peaches and Cream", "It's Over Now"...ring a bell?.. yessir.. 'twas the days of the group 112.. and one fourth of the grammy award winning group is stepping out into the spotlight...Meet Daron Jones. (I'm imagining applause here like this is my talkshow..just lemme have my moment!)

I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to Daron, and let me just say he has got to be one of the must humble individuals I've ever had the pleasure of speaking to, and with his credentials, he has every right to have a BIG EGO.. but he doesn't and that definately saves him from my mofo list! lol..

So who is Daron Jones? His answer was quite simple and can be found on his new single "Money".. : He's the self proclaimed R&B Godfather the ONLY Don Da Da.. he's also a singer, musician, songwriter, and producer. Now before you get it twisted, Jones explains, "The Godfather title is something I came up with to claim. It's just like Michael Jackson is the King of Pop, T.I. is the King of the South, you have to put it out into the universe and claim what you want to be, alot of artists do that."

Alot of people have no idea how extensive his resume is.. as I was reading it even I had to say, dayum you did all this?! He's responsible for my anthem: Keyshia Cole's "I shouldve cheated", as well as a string of hits from artists such as the late great Notorious BIG, 112 of course, R Kelly, Usher,and Jamie Foxx just to name a few. With all that being said.. after being behind the scenes for the past few years..its his time to shine!

Daron Jones new solo project is titled "Uncensored"...

Now before you draw any conclusions, Jones says "The title comes from me coming into this business at the age of 17 and having to do what I was told and being musically censored. I'm grown now and as a solo artist I can stand on my own, can get whatever I need to off my chest and speak out using my voice and be uncensored."

While most of you are used to his image with 112 being the "Gentlemen of Bad Boy"..he's taken on a new direction and simply being himself. "The main difference you'll find is in my lyrics, they are bold and its a fusion of all of my musical influences that range from gospel to jazz to hip hop," says Jones. While "Uncensored" isn't out in stores yet, you can get a taste of the single "Money" on itunes..(hell I liked the song so much it's my ringtone hint hint)..

This multi-talented brotha is also the CEO of DPS Productions in Atlanta. DPS stands for Definition of Platinum Sounds, a full service production company/music label. DPS already boasts a roster of several artists including his sister Sunni Jones, Courtney Michelle, Premier, and Charlie D.

I do have to say that Daron is one inspiring brotha because of his journey to stardom and one thing he reminded me that will stick in this thick head of mine is something his mentor told him... "You have to be prepared for major dissappointments, but you just have to be prepared to keep moving forward."

The lesson here: There's gonna be some No's and doors slammed in your face, but Dedication, Hard work, Faith.. that's the recipe for success.. Jones is proof of that..

Daron's solo project is expected to be released this summer..so soon as it drops.. GET IT. that is all.

For more info: @daronjonesmusic on twitter and facebook.com/daronjonesmusic

Ode to my beloved...

2010-04-01T15:48:00.002-04:00

Fam.. I decided against having Redd do the funeralization for my beloved potholder..but many of you wanted to know what happened..so teary eyed and all..here goes.

It was a dark and warm night out.. oh hell I'll skip the specifics.. anyhoo..I was hungry when I got off work.. decided I wanted to eat some fries and since a mofo had me all bent out of shape on the phone I forgot to stop at Wendy's.. SOOOOO I decided to throw some in the oven.. yummmm!!

In the meantime..I see on twitter my FAV U-streamer is live from the ATL so i decide let me tune into that.. while i wait. Well, all of the foolywang silliness on there kept me tuned in.. it was funny, and entertaining as hell.. and i couldn't look away..

well i finally remember oh hell im still hungry and i smell the fries.. so i run downstairs to get them out of the oven.. (damn near 30 min later..lol) and open the oven, and b/c im still sniggling hysterically, I somehow manage to DROP the ish and fries flew everywhere.. well my first thought was.. SAVE THE FRIES!!! A MOFO IS HUNGRY!! so i fling the pan ontop of the stove.. and pick up the fries off the floor ..(dont act like u dont know the 3 second rule).. and in the meantime.. im guessing the potholder (sniff sniff) slid into the oven during all this flinging ish and junk and i closed the oven door..cuz im still acting like Precious and her last meal on earth and all.. well i decide hell f this.. im dumpin the fries in the trash..lemme make a new batch.. i open the oven door..and FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES are EVERYWHERE..

OH HELL.

I of course am the one producer that works in news that dont pay any attention to the ish i write daily on fire prevention and all that bull issssssss

so i figure im not tryin to get my hair SWINJED off (like joe jackson said happened to michael during the pepsi commercial) so i commenced to blowing at the flames like its a birthday cake cuz i needs my hair...

well thank gawd that ish worked...meanwhile the smoke detector does work and commenced to beepin and workin my nerves..house smokey as hell yet i manage to jump right back online to tell my ustream fam that they made me suffer a LOSS..
well..there's not much left to my lil potholder.. sniff sniff

I am distraught..house still smells a lil chargrilled.. and I am in MOURNING. the end.

I'll miss you potholder!! We went thru so much together..your cousins (the matching towels) won't be the same without you! Smooches....

Lesson Learned: DO NOT WATCH ish live on U-Stream and try to cook ish.. you will be laughing and singing and won't get ish done LOL.

Enter Stage Right..

2010-03-15T19:39:00.003-04:00

What's up Fam?

I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with I’m Ready Productions CEO and Executive Producer Je’Caryous Johnson during his visit to the Queen City. Especially after my rant about people complaining and whining, I thought it'd be the perfect time to see what he thought.. and let me just tell you, he has got to be one of the nicest, most humble men I have ever met.

If you didn't believe me before when I said this man is a force to be reckoned with in the theater world... then you most DEFINATELY have to check out the play "Cheaper to Keep Her" if it comes to your city.. find out for yourself... I'll be waiting right here when you come back with the "you were right Meik.."

But let me just tell you first hand some of the comments I heard in the theater, (yeah I'm nosey.. AND?).. "I've never been to a play this crunk before", "This is one of the best plays I've EVER been to" "Whew, Christian Keyes is sexy" (oh wait.. that was me that said that part.. I digress..)

Mr. Johnson is no stranger to the stage despite what some think. He's been doing this for ten years. Since alot of folks love to get their comparison on, I asked him his thoughts on being compared to Tyler Perry and always getting lumped in the category of having the same type of "chitlin circuit" type of play..

His response?
"Tyler Perry is a large influence, and you either love him or hate him, but we're both in the same genre, playing the same game, we just do it differently. "

Now if that ain't a man after my own heart..

Je'Caryous Johnson is definately a trend-setter in his own right..

What you mean Meik?

Well, ya'll know I don't endorse no mess.. and am quick to call folks out on it. Johnson's plays are relationship based with a comedic flair, the production value alone is superb.. I can honestly say.. I had not one complaint during my experience at Ovens Auditiorium. I was impressed that the actors and Johnson himself were so accessible by taking pics, and signing autographs..

This brotha is an author, actor, playwright, and educator just to name a few.. He doesn't see the world as competition, instead, Johnson told me the world is large enough for everyone to exist. It's all about creating a legacy .. and paving the way for the future is one thing Johnson doesn't take lightly. The Je'Caryous Johnson Acting Studio is proof of that.. "One of the reasons I opened my school was to give people the opportunity to pursue their dreams, cultivate and learn their craft. We teach screenwriting, acting, playwrighting, and production. These are the people who will continue the legacy and become the next big things.." (umm sign me up!)

Now.. lemme just stop here and say.. Je'Caryous reminds me of Michael Jackson in the film "This is It".. if you've seen it, then you know the part where MJ tells Orinithi or whatever her name is, that it's her time to shine during her guitar solo, and they'll all be right there with her giving her the support she needs.

Je'Caryous is doing the same thing, by giving his student Renee Rivon her chance to shine. This girl is doing the dang thing..she co-wrote "Cheaper to Keep Her" and when you see the play, fam.. I'm telling you.. you'll understand what I'm talking bout.. its her time to shine and Je'Caryous is giving her the platform to do so..

I hope that you guys will take the opportunity to learn more about someone before you cast judgement and support those that are doing their part to pave the way for the future.

Oh and if you also get the chance, pick up his latest book "I'm a Good Man, You're a Good Woman: Why Can't We Find Each Other?" I give it two thumbs up!

I'm getting off my soapbox, but I just wanted to give you a more indepth look at WHY you can't just ASSUME someone's body of work is the same as something else that you've been exposed to if you don't even know the history behind it..

Learn more about Je'Caryous Johnson and I'm Ready Productions at jecaryousjohnson.com and imreadyproductions.com

Complaining azz mofos

2010-03-11T15:38:00.002-05:00

What up fam?

I just realized that some folks will forever be stuck in the "i wanna complain about shit but not do anything to fix it or make it better" warp..

What you mean Meik?

Well.. I've just noticed, we've been getting quite a few events here in Charlotte, such as Tyler Perry's play, and now Je'Caryous Johnson is bringing his new stage play here.. which is a good look I think..

Mofos CONSTANTLY complain about how nothing ever comes to NC, all the other cities get this and that and we don't get ish but when it's here, what do they do? "Maaaaan.. i dont wanna see that typical negro spiritual play, or I aint got money for that or I dont even like that ish".. but yet you keep flapping your lips? Let Weezy or Souljah Boy or Wocka Flocka ish come to town and mofos is giving up their got dayum rent money just to get a seat in the building.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

We can support that bull ish but we can't support the very ones that are GIVING our folks jobs in television, film, production, theater, etc??? We can support those mofos that are degrading women and teaching mofos how to have a gazillion babies with different baby mamas and influencing drugs and all that ish? But we can't come out of pocket for 48.50 to see a play that might just teach you a lesson if you can understand the message..

I'm so sick to death of hearing this "I dont wanna see the same type of plays Mama stole the chicken from the church barbeque but i found Jesus type of mess"..ok there's a difference and if you can't distinguish it..then get some dayum culture.. seriously..

Tyler Perry has paved the way for many.. you may not like him, his plays, Madea or even his movies, but you gotta give him credit for his amazing journey, and for that I will continue to support someone that I see doing the damn thing.

Je'Caryous Johnson.. are any of you even aware of this man's accomplishments? To sit and say you dont' wanna see the type of play he has and you don't even know is some ole ignorant azz bull ish.. GOOGLE HIM. read his books, watch his ish on dvd.. learn about his journey before you make stupid azz assumptions on his productions..

A man that will create an acting studio so he can help those same people get ahead in a field they want to succeed in is alright in my book.. what exactly are you doing besides sitting there complaining?

These two men are nothing alike but have paved the way.. so all im saying is RESPECT their art form.. and quit got dayum complaining.

If you wanna stay stuck in the club, bumping Weezy til you 60 yrs old..fine.. but for the rest of us that actually like going to plays and supporting our black folks.. SHUT THE F UP but don't say NOT ONE DAYUM THING when NOTHING else comes to charlotte cuz u had the chance to support the shit from day one.

And One more thing.. you LAME ASS MOFOS..
if a chick asks if you want to go to see a play , at least have the f'in decency to say yes or no.. dont come out the side of your raggedy azz neck talking bout YOU PAYING FOR THIS OR THAT and WHAT AM I GONNA GET AFTER.. this comes down to again why the f i stay single in charlotte.. mofos round here f'in KILL ME. where are the cultured, educated, open minded men?

***throwing the mic and steppin the f off my soapbox**

On the grind...

2010-03-08T23:43:00.002-05:00

Fam.. I thought this was a funny blog I previously wrote.. I was thinking about it since I'm about to start the job hunt again soon.. enjoy!

***********************************

Take a walk with me down memory lane..the year is 2005 (i think lol)..and I gas up the galant and hit the road heading to a small town in Alabama....took me about 5 hours to get there from Knoxville, TN..not bad I guess...seeing as how I hate driving longer than 2 hours...but I digress..I get into the town (and i wont tell u where just in case someone lives there now LMAO)..but I immediately decide..not too shabby..I can do this..I locate the mall...find my hotel fairly easy...and settle in...

UNTIL I decide...a mofo is hungry...but I decide first I wanna go to the mall and see what it has to offer...I hit that up and notice that I have hardly seen any white people...ummm mmmmk. I wander around..check out the eye candy and buy a couple things...and decide I just have to have some Long John Silver's food..simply because I don't think where I lived we had one...and I was missing that damn food..

So I rolls up to the drive thru..and I'm a bit confused as to the way its laid out..there are two lanes and either way you pull in ..you're f'd.

So i pull in to the lane closet to the drive thru window...assuming this makes sense and i dont see a sqawk box but im thinking mmmmk. whatevs..

I look out my window on the drivers side and notice that there's this tube like looking thing like when you go to the bank and you go thru the drive thru...again..mmmmk. The drive thru window is on my passenger side so im thinking how in the hot hayle am i supposed to get my food???

Ya'll aint ready...u just aint..b/c if you weren't there u just wouldnt believe me. Hell I wouldn't believe me. I swear to gawd I wish I would have taken a picture..

I ordered my food thru some invisible sqawk box LOL...then the voice says..."put yo money in dat bucket"..

WTF? what bucket??

ya'll i swear fo gawd...out of the sky into that tube apparatus comes a yellow bucket...u know me...

blink.

blink.

blink.

Take a deep breath..and place my money in the bucket and it shoots off into the sky again...so now im confused...like how in the hot hayle am i gonna get my food....and before I could find my phone to call someone about this hot ghetto mess...the bucket comes sailing down again...and I ask the sqawk box...umm how do i get my food? Do I need to come in??

This ghetto heffa says: It's in dat bucket if you look"

gawd i hate mofos....and even worse..i hate country mofos. no..i take that back. i loves me a country man..but dammit there's nothing worse than a ghetto country mofo.

I digress...

So I lean over and see the LJS yellow bag grab it and dig around the bottom of the bucket for my change and get the hell out of dodge. I dont even think I ate that food..LOL..

Now..I have never seen another establishment built quite like that...and hope i never have to again..but if i move down there...lawd help us all...

Lesson Learned: Don't eat out in strange places with weird building layouts..especially drive thru's..you never know where the hell your food is coming from.

Stay tuned...next time I might just tell you bout my job interview amongst the land of the jheri curls and gangstas...

It may have been cute, but it ain't no more

2010-03-08T23:30:00.002-05:00

What's up fam.. this is an old blog..but I think its still relevant cuz lots of random ish in the news..anyhoo.. enjoy!

******************

There was a time in my life when I thought it was cute to have that hood boyfriend...ya'll ladies know the kind i'm talking bout...that drug slinging, pimped out car riding, blinging mofo that smell like weed with his hair braided to the back...whew...it was just something about the "bad boy" that just made u wanna forget all your good up bringing and do whatever a mofo asked you to even if it meant that your azz could end up in trouble too...

I could never understand why my father would always wanna block a mofo..making sure our dates weren't but dayum 30 minutes long LOL..or lurking in the hallway if i was on the phone with him, or if ole boy came by the crib he was right there irritating me....but now I'm sure glad he did...

Hell..it didn't stop when I went off to college though LOL..I remember this one guy that was sooooo freaking cute..minus the braids and bling..but he had a nice ride, and tons of money...good enuff for me at the time...he was the type to look at u like MOFO SHUT YO AZZ UP and it was just sexy lol..ya'll know what i mean..(TI got that same damn look lol)...anyway..he wined and dined me..gave me money if I needed it, and it didn't occur to me where the mofo got his money or anything...i just thought it was cute with me sitting up in the passenger seat being a ride or die type of chick.....thank goodness I got bored with him and moved the hell on .. if i had waited just a few weeks.. who knows where I would be right now..

I say all that to say..there comes a f'in point in our lives where that shyt just don't fly anymore..

I wish I would at 25 1/2 years old (SHUT IT..i did fix the age on here) allow a hood mofo with a long azz rap sheet into my damn house or even near my damn family...and before some of you get ya panties in a bunch..im talking about a mofo with attempted murder, 1st degree murder charges, and robbery and all kinds of mess in their record...i can handle a misdeamoner charge from when a mofo was young and dumb..but at this damn age...grow the f up and do something with your life! Now its a lil different if he's reformed and making something of himself..but that's a whole nother blog..

How many chicks do you know behind bars all over a nucca? How many nuccas do you know that are just f'in beyond crazy doing stupid shyt and there's a stupid azz chick right beside him braggin like she got Donald Trump or some damn body..or how many mofos done lost something for messing with a mofo with a record?

At some point the bling, the bad boy image, the drugs, the slappin the shyt out a mofo mess is old...hell if its ever cute..

I think we have to look deeper than this when we are choosing a mate even if its for the short term...I don't know about ya'll but if a mofo got a record of some ole foul shyt or suspect shyt...he might be lucky if he ever learn my last damn name (yeah im scary like that lol.. hell working in news will have your ass paranoid as hell)....

We have to set standards..and I get that some folks fall back on that .."oh im from the hood so i want a hood mofo"...umm at some point in your life..im sure you want to make it out the hood..and im sure you want someone that had the goals to do the same..hell..even the Jeffersons moved on up..

Today's Lesson Learned:

GOOGLE A MOFO..run a f'in background check...

make sure you know what u getting into...cuz I don't give a dayum how nice a mofo is, or how much of a "bad boy" he is...he could be hiding some shyt...and that mess will bite your azz in the end...

Until later...Stay fab and keep on googling...

Letting go of a mofo .. FOR GOOD..

2010-03-05T03:18:00.003-05:00

What up Mofo Fam?
It's kind of late..but I just had alot of things running thru my mind..so bear with me..

Trust...its a funny thing..once you lose it..its hard to get it back and if you are lucky and you do, it's one of those things that will never be 100% ever again.

I'm a firm believer in giving folks a second chance, but sometimes giving them the benefit of the doubt can make you wanna slap the ish outta yourself. What you mean Meik?

Lemme explain: I have tried and tried to give this mofo the benefit of the doubt for the past few years, after he lied, cheated, and lied, and cheated and well you get the point? Once I forgave him and could hold a convo without ending up in tears, frustration or wanting to stab his ass, I thought we were able to be semi-friends. Apparantly with some folks, you just gotta let ish go cuz it just dont change and wont get any better..

So last week, i mention to him that the CIAA Tournament is in Charlotte and he should come visit and hang out .. well he acts like he's never heard of the ish and I waste my time and effort explaining it and he says, hmm sounds fun, i just might come.. kool.. well needless to say i know MIGHT means AINT coming from this fool so i just kept it moving..had a ball hanging out with friends and just doing Meik.. mingling, socializing and avoiding mofos and drama..

UNTIL....

I am chatting with him and telling him how much fun CIAA was and he says oh yeah i hate i missed it cuz i had to work.. oh ok no prob.. u can come next year.. kool..

just a few short hours later, i find out this mofo was in town the entire f'in time staying right in the center of uptown, tee heeing it up and partying like its 1999 and ish..

blink

blink

blink

sooooooo if we aren't together .. what purpose is it serving for you to lie to me? and if you gonna lie, don't u think you should cover your tracks just a lil bit better? im just saying..

Fam, I did something that I should have done 5 years ago when I packed my shit and walked out.. I finally let him go. The remainder of his ish that i had.. GONE. Phone numbers and contact info..GONE ( i didnt even write the ish down)... All ties to each other on social media sites..GONE. I thought I'd be scrambling to glue it back together..but no..not this time. It's so refreshing cuz i feel like i can finally breathe now. I'm at peace..and I don't have to deal with shouldering his drama anymore.

So I say all that to say.. if there's someone out there reading my blogs and thinking im a bitter hateful bia.. maybe I was.. and will still probably continue to be.. but I know one thing.. I aint gotta ACCEPT the ish he was shoveling at me and on me.. Maybe there's someone out there reading this that thinks, if I walk away from this mofo, I can't do it on my own, I will be alone, etc.. I thought that.. and look.. it took awhile, but I had to finally trust that God would get me through it, and I've been making it on my own, and yeah, I get lonely..but thats ok compared to a life of drama, lies, cheating.. just cuz i like to watch soap operas doesn't mean i have to live one..

Well.. that's all.. I just wanted to get those thoughts off my mind..

Thanks for reading fam..

Meik..

Color Struck or Trife?

2010-02-21T23:03:00.002-05:00

What's up fam?

Scenario: Boy meets girl. Boy tries repeatedly to holla at girl. girl is not looking for a relationship, but willing to hang out with boy from time to time.. boy doesn't give up..keeps pursuing until one day boy spots girl's light skinned friend with long hair.. boy then fixes his f'in lips to ask girl for her friend's number or for a hook up.

W
T
F
blink. blink.

Now fam.. I have seen this happen over and over and over..hell its even happened to me. One of my guy friends once told me that its all about "the get a light skinned chick with long hair to throw on my arm as a trophy" syndrome. Ummmm wow.

I always thought maybe it was just my emotional insecurities screaming but when I realized its not just me this ish happens to.. then maybe there is something going on that isn't being discussed here..

In 2010 are mofos STILL color struck?

Now don't get me wrong, I think all my friends are beautiful..no matter their skin color but i'll be damned if a mofo that has tried to holla at me is gonna go thru me to get fixed up with one of them. wtf u think i look like..my name aint eharmony mutha sukkas.

Anyhoo.. i think it's sad that in today's time that people are still so superficial that they think like that.. now maybe the case was these particular guys thought they'd have an easier time tryin to holla at the friend.. but the result in my eyes is the same. TRIFE.

I think the lesson here is mofos have to get to know folks on their damn own for who they are and NOT their skin color.. granted, i realize the physical is what attracts you to who you are attracted to..but what makes you think just cuz i dont want you that my girl will? that's just beyond tacky as hell. kick rocks and find ya own chick hell.

Anyhoo.. Just wanted to get that off my chest.. i think its just sad that some beautiful dark/brown skinned sistas get passed over b/c of some ole bull ish like that.. but hey.. i just calls it like i see it..

Until Later.. Meik..

Cheatin azz mofo

2010-02-20T22:57:00.002-05:00

What's up fam?
I guess the buzz words on the street are: TIGER. WOODS.

Now, if you know me, then you already know that Meik don't tolerate none of that cheating bullish.. if u don't lemme give u the abbreviated version of why:

Thought I was with the love of my life, soulmate, ace boon coon, blah blah and blah blah for years.. only to find out.. his azz done looked in a mirror, found out he was cute and thought he'd hump any and every chick out there.. thank gawd i found out before marrying the mutha sucka.. hmm wonder if he has a "sex addiction" ***blank stare**

Anyhoo.. after almost 8 years of bull ish.. i looked in the mirror my dayum self and said... "you deserve better than this.. its okay to be alone ..you need to do you and walk away".. and I did and that was 5 years ago.. granted, I tend to miss his azz around the holidays..but I do still have some sanity left.. I would never give this mofo another chance to rip my heart into shreds..took me too long to be able to gain my confidence back.

Anyhoo.. I got off track.. TIGER WOODS. if this mofo don't sit his blasian azz down somewhere. The only person he owes an explanation to is his wifey and them chil'ren..and whoever he worships to. I think the media, and his fans are taking this too personal. He's human, he f'd up.. but how did it hurt ya'll.. IT DIDNT. move the f on.

It amazes me how folks are offended personally if an athlete is caught doing some ish. I'm offended when mofos start excusing the ish like its okay. Have we not learned that the side chicks are always crazy as hell?? (ummm steve mcnair ring a bell anyone?) Have we not learned that its best to have your own lover and not take seconds??? It's a damn crying azz shame when nobody seems to respect boundaries of relationships.

The last skank I caught my ex with was a so called "sorority sister"..now this tramp was married with her hubby fighting overseas in the war.. but all she saw fit to do was open her legs and sleep with half of the city.. but that's neither here nor there.. my point is.. no respect for her relationship or anyone elses.. and folks wonder why diseases run rampant .. no one seems to care..

so at what point fam do we stop lusting and hunching and learning how to RESPECT committments that we have made?

Ponder that..

Until later..
Meik..

Just a quick note..

2010-02-17T02:10:00.003-05:00

What up fam?
I just wanted to take a quick moment to say HEYYYYYY and also let you know Im trying to get back into blogging more, but grad school is kicking my tail like nobody's business. I haven't even met an abundance of mofos lately!! imagine that ish..

in the meantime I have a gazillion blogs many of you haven't even read.. so the next few posts will probably be me transferring those posts from my old blog over here.. so as always.. comments are appreciated and if you have a mofo story to share im all ears!! Of if you just want to vent.. email me at etsuaka98@gmail.com or hit me up on twitter/myspace hell..if u want me to know you'll find me LOL..

And please if you are reading this, subscribe to the blog and send ur friends and make them subscribe too..i appreciate u for reading, laughing, cursing, and calling me names! lol..

Until Later..
Miss Mofo Chronicles luvs ya..

Game Playing Mofos..

2010-02-17T01:45:00.002-05:00

Remember this? Hopscotch, Red light green light, kickball, dodgeball, hide-n-seek, and even Red Rover...

Well, if you don't you should, since most of that ish has just been made current by mofos that call themselves adults. What you mean Meik? I'm glad you asked..allow me to explain.

Let's examine a couple of scenarios shall we?

Scenario 1: Boy has a girlfriend, starts a new job. Boy meets a friendly girl that's willing to show him around and even invites him out to a party as coworkers..however boy takes it upon himself to throw himself, tongue and all up on girl leaving her dazed and confused and pretty much disgusted. Boy then doesn't seem to take the "not interested" speech well and continues to try to force himself upon her...meanwhile, hitting on other coworkers, women online, and in general all while poor lil girlfriend has no clue and moves clear across the country all in the name of love.

Scenario 2: Boy and girl are "talking" if you will.. and someone points out to girl that on a social networking site there are several pictures of boy boo'd up with another girl. However when asked about it, boy tells girl it's his sister, his best friend, blah blah blah.. but girl notices that there are just way too many boo'd up pics for it just to be a friendly thing, but boy takes it a step further he makes plans with girl for valentines day only to get missing and to never be heard from again...

Scenario 3: Boy tells girl she should give men a break and not be so hard on them since there are alot of women in the Queen City and its impossible for a man to settle down. Then boy proceeds to proposition girl to see if she's okay with just being a jumpoff.

I'll give you a moment to blink on each of these scenarios..

blink.
blink.
blink.

Ok.. I say all that to say.. GAME PLAYING IS FOR KIDS.. clearly nowdays some mofos would rather drag someone's feelings thru hell and high water instead of just being honest from the get go. In each of the scenarios it boils down to one thing: greedy mofos playing the field. From my point of view, it's an ego thing, its almost as if their self esteem is at an all time low so the best way to feed it is to stir up mess and run through as many folks as possible. However, in the end, who's left looking like boo boo the fool?

The only solution is a simple one: If you are looking for a jumpoff.. say so. If you are simply just not interested in a romantic relationship.. say so. If you just aren't into that person and wish they'd die a slow painful death.. say so. I don't know if you've met, but Karma is certaintly one bitch you don't want to munk with.

Test Drivin mofo..

2010-02-07T22:42:00.000-05:00

Fam.. when I tell you ish only happens to me.. BELIEVE ME. I don't go out seeking the ish it just finds its way to me like a moth to a flame.. Anyhoo..(deep breath).. here we go...its a long one..

So I decide to go look for a car at this dealership.. the guy that i spoke to on the phone seemed like a nice enough salesman and promised to help.. that's always good right?
Well... in the beginning the convo was very professional, business like and he pulled out a folder with an "About Me" section so you know who you're dealing with and has pics of his 6 month old twins .. so ok.. family man, gonna work hard to get the commission so he can feed his chil'ren right?

Lemme stop here and say.. he aint the least bit attractive (well to me anyway).. and run over shoes just aint what's up.. but i digress...

First Red Flag: "You look nice today, Miss " .. ok thank ya.. "No.. realllllllllllllly nice" blink blink..

Now before you go thinking I went to the dealership in my cutoff jean shorts and a tank with all my cleavage showing.. No.. its too cold LOL..

Fast Forward..Test driving the car..

Out of the damn hot hell blue this mofo says.. "I don't know if I really love my wife, I mean I love her but well I only married her b/c I THOUGHT she was preggo and then found out she wasn't. "..( mmmk. What's this button for?)

He ignores my question and proceeds " She's lazy.. just let herself go (now remember she just had twins but i digress), she don't cook, don't clean, and won't have sex.. (again.. just had twins and wtf is he telling me this?!) " You know.. I'm young, I'm in my prime and i have needs.. and I admit.. I cheat.. not on the Tiger Woods scale, but I do .. but not all the time, just sleep with a chick once or twice then move on".. (mmmmk.. again sir.. wtf does this button do.. can you tell me some ish bout this car?!)

(matter of fact im mad i didn't cuss his azz out..but as usual im tryin to be business like but yet im in disbelief and i smell a blog so i entertain his azz by talking)..

So I ask.. if you are oh so unhappy why cheat and why not just leave cuz u are hurting ur fam by doing this.. (Yes I was getting my damn Dr Phil on..DONT JUDGE ME).. he tells me cuz of the kids.. then says he wishes he didn't think about sex ALL the time.. (mmmk.. which way back to the damn dealership cuz i dont wanna drive NO MORE.)

He informs me that he has had TONS of groupies b/c at the ripe old azz age of 23, he used to play professional football for 4 years. Now I aint no mathematical genius and all but errrr ummmmmmmm HOW in the hot hayle does this add up? Negro tells me he played for Philly.. mmmmmk. Told me he graduated high school at 15. mmmmmk.. u a genius but u sell cars..ok.. if u say so.. but anyhooo...

As I pull back into the parking lot, he looks at me and says "Do you have guy friends?" (umm yeahhhh duh.. ).. "No.. I mean GUY friendssssssss" (wtf didn't i say yeah).. "No I mean well.. look, you're an attractive woman, so I was thinking maybe we could be friends with benefits."

ya'll know i laughed right?

Then I politely explained to his retarded unprofessional azz that I am a damn lady with standards and morals and am NOT in the biz of sharing a damn MARRIED man and I came to BUY a damn car.. he says.. "well lemme know if you change your mind cuz err i can take long lunches.. you know alot of women i sell cars to want to have sex with me." (negro..i aint one of them desperate bias mmmk)

So we go inside the dealership.. and he just keeps on testing my one good nerve..and yes im tweeting away about him.. lol. anyhoo he decides that i can't possibly see the paper he's writing on in front of my f'in face so he must drag his chair around the desk to damn near sit in my lap.. and touch my knee. (i think i threw up a lil bit).. So i keep scootchin away (yea i said scootchin).. and he keeps on..thanks gawwwwwwd someone needed him to do something..

long story short.. i told his ass to get me my keys tell me where the f my car is cuz I gots ta go..

That is all.

Lesson Learned here: mofos still aint learned ish from Tiger, Steve McNair, no damn body.. and until some of these mofos that are desperate for a man, any man.. aint ish us chicks with some dang sense can do.. but keep putting them in their place..

Test Drive..Gone Wrong..

2010-01-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

Fam.. when I tell you ish only happens to me.. BELIEVE ME. I don't go out seeking the ish it just finds its way to me like a moth to a flame.. Anyhoo..(deep breath).. here we go...its a long one..

So I decide to go look for a car at this dealership.. the guy that i spoke to on the phone seemed like a nice enough salesman and promised to help.. that's always good right?
Well... in the beginning the convo was very professional, business like and he pulled out a folder with an "About Me" section so you know who you're dealing with and has pics of his 6 month old twins .. so ok.. family man, gonna work hard to get the commission so he can feed his chil'ren right?

Lemme stop here and say.. he aint the least bit attractive (well to me anyway).. and run over shoes just aint what's up.. but i digress...

First Red Flag: "You look nice today, Miss" .. ok thank ya.. "No.. realllllllllllllly nice" blink blink..

Now before you go thinking I went to the dealership in my cutoff jean shorts and a tank with all my cleavage showing.. No.. its too cold LOL..

Fast Forward..Test driving the car..

Out of the damn hot hell blue this mofo says.. "I don't know if I really love my wife, I mean I love her but well I only married her b/c I THOUGHT she was preggo and then found out she wasn't. "..( mmmk. What's this button for?)

He ignores my question and proceeds " She's lazy.. just let herself go (now remember she just had twins but i digress), she don't cook, don't clean, and won't have sex.. (again.. just had twins and wtf is he telling me this?!) " You know.. I'm young, I'm in my prime and i have needs.. and I admit.. I cheat.. not on the Tiger Woods scale, but I do .. but not all the time, just sleep with a chick once or twice then move on".. (mmmmk.. again sir.. wtf does this button do.. can you tell me some ish bout this car?!)

(matter of fact im mad i didn't cuss his azz out..but as usual im tryin to be business like but yet im in disbelief and i smell a blog so i entertain his azz by talking)..

So I ask.. if you are oh so unhappy why cheat and why not just leave cuz u are hurting ur fam by doing this.. (Yes I was getting my damn Dr Phil on..DONT JUDGE ME).. he tells me cuz of the kids.. then says he wishes he didn't think about sex ALL the time.. (mmmk.. which way back to the damn dealership cuz i dont wanna drive NO MORE.)

He informs me that he has had TONS of groupies b/c at the ripe old azz age of 23, he used to play professional football for 4 years. Now I aint no mathematical genius and all but errrr ummmmmmmm HOW in the hot hayle does this add up? Negro tells me he played for Philly.. mmmmmk. Told me he graduated high school at 15. mmmmmk.. u a genius but u sell cars..ok.. if u say so.. but anyhooo...

As I pull back into the parking lot, he looks at me and says "Do you have guy friends?" (umm yeahhhh duh.. ).. "No.. I mean GUY friendssssssss" (wtf didn't i say yeah).. "No I mean well.. look, you're an attractive woman, so I was thinking maybe we could be friends with benefits."

ya'll know i laughed right?

Then I politely explained to his retarded unprofessional azz that I am a damn lady with standards and morals and am NOT in the biz of sharing a damn MARRIED man and I came to BUY a damn car.. he says.. "well lemme know if you change your mind cuz err i can take long lunches.. you know alot of women i sell cars to want to have sex with me." (negro..i aint one of them desperate bias mmmk)

So we go inside the dealership.. and he just keeps on testing my one good nerve..and yes im tweeting away about him.. lol. anyhoo he decides that i can't possibly see the paper he's writing on in front of my f'in face so he must drag his chair around the desk to damn near sit in my lap.. and touch my knee. (i think i threw up a lil bit).. So i keep scootchin away (yea i said scootchin).. and he keeps on..thanks gawwwwwwd someone needed him to do something..

long story short.. i told his ass to get me my keys tell me where the f my car is cuz I gots ta go..

That is all.

Lesson Learned here: mofos still aint learned ish from Tiger, Steve McNair, no damn body.. and until some of these mofos that are desperate for a man, any man.. aint ish us chicks with some dang sense can do.. but keep putting them in their place..

Lessons Learned

2010-01-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

I don’t know about ya’ll, but 2009 has been one of those years that I won’t miss — not one bit. Matter of fact, the entire decade can go to hell in a handbasket, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog. I thought with the spirit of 2009 finally kicking rocks, it’s only fitting to do some reflection, stroll down memory lane and recap the lessons that I hoped you learned, cursed at, laughed at, or even attempted to implement this year..

Plus..you know I just love making lists … so here we go:

5. I sure hope some of you learned how to MINGLE when out at social events … but as we near the end of the year, and judging by what I’ve seen this month … Imma go with “no.” Just remember to ditch the security blanket called your clique once you enter a social event. Hell, you never know who you might meet.

4. Before heading out to any event, just because it’s called “Grown and Sexy” does not mean show up with your ASSets hanging out. Instead it’s a state of mind; just up your swag game and get your party on! Unless the party calls for you wearing your lingerie, leave the ish at home for your after-the-party booty call. Let these fellas have the opportunity to imagine what you are working with.

3. If you do meet someone — whether its online, at the gas station, grocery store, or even on the light rail — make sure you take the appropriate steps. Let’s review: Screen that mofo. And if you decide to meet up, stay alert, and always notify someone of where you are going. Mace is your best friend!

2. Do what you say you gonna damn do. If you aren’t interested in someone, man up and say so, rather than stringing them along. The best advice I could ever give is treat a person how you want to be treated. If you would prefer someone to play games and make you figure out if they are or are not interested, then fine, do what you do; however, rather than waste someone’s time, the best approach is to just say (in a nice way of course) that you just aren’t compatible and move the hell on.

1. The approach is everything. Fellas, if you are wondering why you can’t find a good woman, take a step back and look at HOW you are approaching us, asking for the goodies right off the bat. Would you want your mother, sister, cousin, or even daughter to drop the panties for lame lines like that? No, I think not. You’d want them to keep the bakery locked up tight with the key in a safe until the time is right.

Ladies, we as women deserve to be celebrated rather than treated like an old stale lemon cake that these men get a taste of and then throw away. If men want to satisfy their sweet tooth without handling their biz the correct way, then politely remind them: They have two good hands, use them.

That about sums it up. In 2010 fam, let’s vow to do better. Happy New Year!

Grown and Sexy Defined..

2009-11-19T00:13:00.001-05:00

Grown and Sexy.

That’s a phrase I tend to see repeatedly when promoters are trying to pack a venue. However, some folks just don’t seem to understand what the hell that means.

Let’s break this down before we proceed, shall we?

Grown: This term generally means the “older” crowd, meaning the 25 and up sector. This term points to the crowd of people that SHOULD be past the game playing stages, is a little more mature on the maturity scale, and knows how to party without deciding to represent their respective sets by shooting and throwing up the W for west side and ish.

Sexy: Now pay close attention to this one. This term is subject to your discretion, but again, this is my blog so we going with my definition. Sexy is swagger plain and simple.

Now, once a damn ‘gain, I decide to hit the streets and attend two separate events, both touting the Grown and Sexy label. Silly me for assuming and we all know what that means.
I’m going to tell you about two events and granted, one event was held out of town. But the other was here in the Queen City and the end result was the same: some folks just don’t get what Grown and Sexy really is.

Both parties had so much going on that I couldn’t do ish but blink so much my damn contact lenses were dried out, and no matter how many rewetting drops I used, it just didn’t seem to help.

Let me explain what I mean:

At both events, there were women dancing, gyrating and bent over showing off their coochie gear. How did I know? Well, some of the heffas had the audacity to be wearing what looked like a pair of panties with fishnets, stilettos and a cami.

Now don’t get me wrong, they honestly could have forgotten to put their dress on over that ish, but since they didn’t, I’m just gonna go with my own assumption on this and guess that they looked in the mirror and saw nothing wrong.
My question is what kind of friends do you have if they let you go out the house looking like you just got off the stripper pole? (Here’s a helpful hint, you might need some new friends).

I don’t know about ya’ll but if you are going to attend a party, do you show up with your ish hanging out? Then take it a step further and proceed to bend over and dance ass up for the crowd?
Maybe they have some exotic dancer type ish going on in their minds but again, this was supposed to be a grown and sexy affair. I felt like I had just walked onto a Lil Wayne video set.

I really believe that after the age of 25, it’s time to stop shopping in the juniors section at stores and move up to misses, or women’s, whichever fits you. Time to step up, put on your grown-woman clothes and stop showing all your assets in hopes of landing a man.

This really just boils down to one thing: before you step out of the house and decide to ruin everyone’s eyesight for the evening, can you look in the mirror and ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is my ass hanging out for the world to see? If yes, put some damn clothes on.

2. Are my nipples hanging out of my shirt? If yes, cover that ish.

3. Is my size 16-frame looking stuffed in a size 6? If yes, give your little sister her clothes back IMMEDIATELY.

4. Are my goodies on display so men can do a little window-shopping? If yes, put some damn panties on first, and then proceed to dress like you have some sense.

5. Is your goal to find a mofo to climb up behind you and do his business like Mister did to Celie on The Color Purple? If yes, then you just don’t need to even entertain going to a Grown and Sexy event, take yourself to the nearest 21 and up club and have fun.

Lesson Learned: Just because it says Grown and Sexy does not mean show up with your ASSets hanging out. Instead it’s a state of mind, just up your swag game and get your party on! Unless the party calls for you wearing your lingerie, leave the ish at home for your after-the-party booty call.Bottom line: COVER UP. Let these fellas have the opportunity to imagine what you are working with. Nuff said. Please and thanks.

Survival of the fittest

2009-11-12T13:17:00.002-05:00

***What up fam..I thought this particular blog I posted on the Creative Loafing site was an important one (then again all of mine are important to me but I digress lol)..so I thought since many of you still haven't caught on to the click on the Creative Loafing tab and it'll take u straight to the blogs..I'll just continue to also post my favs here...anyway..this one is important...take heed..and stay safe!****

Boy meets girl. Boy invites girl over to his house. Girl goes over there and is never heard from again.

Sadly, this scenario occurs most often than not, and most recently in the news with one of the mofos of the year in Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh come on now, if you haven’t been getting your daily dose of CNN, then I suggest you run to the nearest TV: but here’s a Meik version recap, pay attention this is gonna go fast:

An ex marine, convicted rapist/sex offender lures 11 (or more) women to his crib, kills them all, buries them in and around the house like they are nothing but pieces of home decor.

Caught up now? Good. Let’s proceed.

I get that it’s cute and gives you the sniggles when you meet a new Romeo or Juliet and you click, sparks are flying everywhere and all you want to do is spend time with them.

Now, that’s all fine and good, but with the way folks are raising crazy mofos like farmers are growing veggies and ish, you gotta be careful with who you spend time with. I spoke it on it before and all I can do is hope you go back and read the blog called Screening is Essential.

Now, Meik is one cautious chick, granted I think everyone and their mammy is crazy until proven otherwise, but until I’ve had the chance to screen you, there will be NO visiting the house; mine or yours mmk?!

And as for buying me a drink? You got a sista munked up if you think I’m sending you to the bar ALONE to get me a Bacardi and sprite — date rape drug — HELLO??!!!

Going back to the case of the crazy mofo in Cleveland, I, for the life of me cannot understand how or why even women under the influence of crack, alcohol, or any damn thing could remotely listen to his ass and follow him back to his house. Has anyone seen what he looks like?! Granted looks aren’t everything but come on, really?! Further more, I’m not understanding how his small ass (stench and all, because you know that house was funkier than hell and I’m almost positive the smell was coming out his nasty lil pores, but I digress) but I’m not getting why on first sniff, these women didn’t run like hell or try to drown his ass in some soap and water.

Again, I digress, clearly this case has struck a nerve and a half with me.

But if you just HAVE TO please remember the following important things if you don’t listen to shit else I ever say or read another word I write:

1. Always tell someone where you are going, and if you have no friends or fam to speak of, keep your cell phone handy to call 911.

2. Just like my grandma told me, I’m telling ya’ll — Never leave home without your best friend: MACE.

3. If you just have to go to the person’s house. Don’t go alone, take someone with you. However, I just wanna know what happened to meeting folks in public places when you haven’t known each other very long? Did that go out in 2008?

4. Google is another good friend, and hell nowdays so is all the social networking sites, you know someone is gonna know his/her crazy ass. Do your research ahead of time so you don’t get caught up in no crazy situations.

5. This one is just for future reference: if you go to a mofos house and it smells rotten as hell in there oh let’s say like decomposing bodies. It probably ain’t the damn trash that stinks — that mofo probably been up to no good — don’t you watch Lifetime Movie Network?!

Lesson Learned: Stay alert, and always notify someone of where you are going. But if all else fails, kick that mofo where the sun don’t shine and RUN! Be safe out there fam!

Bumping Ugliez

2009-10-27T01:19:00.001-04:00

The minute I decide to emerge from my wanna-be-a socialite retirement, I run back screaming and banging on the door to get back to my solitude.

Why, you ask?

It’s clear to me that in 2009, chivalry and all that comes with it has died an agonizing death. Rather than go through the “men don’t do this and men don’t do that anymore” routine, I decided they don’t want to hear it and frankly, I don’t have the patience to write it.

But today’s discussion is one that’s near and dear to my heart and I just might need to teach a class on this so fellas: pay attention because this is going go kind of fast.

Ladies, how many times have you gone to the grocery store, the club, bar, gas station, hell, damn near anywhere and run into guys that are acquaintances, homeboys, ex-boo’s, ex-jumpoffs or whatever you want to call it.

You may walk up to them to get their attention, tap them gently on the shoulder, or arm, or as one of my friends likes to do, cusp his elbow, and then as these mofos turn around, they give you a series of hand slaps, clasps, dap, a pound, chest bump, and one to damn grow on. Then you’re left standing there thinking what just freaking happened?

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

Now, I don’t know about most of you ladies out there in the world wide web, but I define myself as a lady. As a lady, I DEMAND respect. It’s one thing if you have that type of relationship with the guy for him to come at you like that, but if that type of thing hasn’t been established, then I EXPECT the man to respect my flow and greet me the way a woman should be greeted.
Now some of you are sitting there scratching your heads wondering “well, what’s wrong with the dap, pound, fist bump and all that other hand jive ish?”

If you have to ask, then I need you to think back to what your mama taught you, then holla back at me.

Fellas, unless the female is your tom-boyish play cousin, I fail to realize how greeting her like you would your male counterparts is cute or remotely attractive. You with your big ass man hands throwing a pound or dap to a dainty hand just seems all kinds of wrong to me. (Of course I haven’t forgotten the infamous Obama fist bump, but this isn’t about them and they have that type of relationship and this is my ish so let’s move on.)

Don’t get me wrong, there are many ways to greet people but this here is my blog and I’m going tell you some acceptable greetings in MY world:

1. A friendly church hug does wonders. It’s not too personal and it’s not too rough, it’s just right. (As long as some of you nasty asses aren’t trying to cop a feel).

2. A kiss on the cheek. (Gently fellas! If you are a true gentleman, ladies man or whatever, you know how to do it, and just please make sure you don’t have that crusty dry skin hanging off the middle part of your lip, we don’t want our cheeks to get scratched to hell.)

3. A handshake, not too firm fellas! Remember, we’re not your male counterparts (now here’s where you might want to take a step back and examine the female, if she’s a little butch like, she might be able to take a good firm bone crushing hand shake.)

4. A light kiss on the hands. (I hate to bring this up when I’m trying hard to be uplifting and encouraging, but if you have some stank salvia or food particles in your mouth; then I really need for you to just resort to a different method. Please and thanks.)

5. If all else fails, a smile and a hello are simple enough. No need to complicate things when you don’t have to.

Lesson Learned: Save the dap, pound, chest bumping and hand jiving ish for your crew. A lady should be treated like a lady and if you don’t know how to do it, then I really need for you to check out an oldie but goodie, “Treat Her Like a Lady” by the Temptations. Ladies, DEMAND respect, if you don’t like getting daps and pounds, make it known. Hey if those of you out there think its fine, do you.One thing I do know for sure is, the next one to step to me with all the hand gestures, will probably find themselves as the headliner in the Mofo Chronicles.

The Jumpoff

2009-10-27T01:17:00.000-04:00

With the tragic death of NFL great Steve McNair not too long ago, many questions, comments, eyerolls, and folks looking at their own boo pieces with the side eye have come up.
McNair’s mistake, as with many, was cheating — and not screening that heffa, but I digress.
Some of you may even be questioning, “Where do I stand with my own mofo in my life?”
Don’t you worry. I’m here to help.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition of a “jumpoff.”
A jumpoff is NOT the main boo, and is just around for sexual purposes.
I think that about sums it up.
Now let’s run down my list of ways to figure out if you indeed are JUST THE JUMPOFF:

1. You have low self-esteem (or maybe you haven’t figured out that you do), but yet you think you’re doing big ish. Lemme explain: You think just because you might get a water bill paid, or even your gas tank filled, and if you’re real good, you might get a trip thrown in there. Bottom line is you THINK you are big ish poppin’ cuz wifey/hubby ain’t doing their job. ***side eye*** Allow me to inform you of something: Wifey/hubby is always gonna be numero uno … you will always come towards the bottom of the list. But if you like it, hey, do you boo.

2. You only have the cell number. I’m just saying if you were the main boo boo, you’d have all the numbers … right? I mean, the house number, work number, any other dang number that exists. And if you get a sec, take a peek in his/her cell; you’ll probably find tons of other jumpoff’s numbers in there.

3. You only get a call every now and then, when the main boo is acting up. Meaning, you might get a call, maybe three to four times a month.

4. If you’ve heard this bullshit line “I’m waiting on the right time to tell my wife/hubby about us.” Riiiiiiiiight. And I’m Michael Jackson’s love child.

5. If you never go anywhere together in public, like cute little dates such as dinner and the movies, or wine tastings. The only places you see are the ceiling, the bed, floor, shower, elevator, kitchen table, or wherever you handle your business. Hmm chances are … you are the jumpoff.
Now, a successful jumpoff NEVER has any expectations. It is just about the sex . There are no gifts, trips, bills being paid, none of that — just sex. A jumpoff never asks questions, doesn’t stalk other potential jumpoffs, and probably has enough jumpoffs of their own so they aren’t worried about any of ‘em.

Lesson Learned: If you fall into all of the categories mentioned, and you are OK with being in that role and have no intention of taking things further, then hooray for you. You win the “successful jumpoff award.” BUT if you fall into the categories mentioned, and you have hopes and dreams of moving up to wifey/hubby status, then you might need to take the scissors and cut off the chain this mofo has you dangling from and move on. Love and respect yourself and realize that you deserve to be happy and maybe this person just isn’t the one for you.

To be continued....

2009-09-07T01:36:00.001-04:00

Hello Mofo Chronicles Readers!

Don't worry..I haven't forgotten you..I have been mad crazy busy...but you can always click the link and check me out on Creative Loafing...and stay tuned..cuz some changes are a coming on this site...

In the meantime..stay fabu!!

I luvs a hater...

2009-08-10T01:17:00.003-04:00

Wow..2 blogs in one day...But I just had to address some lame that wanna talk shit..

So..a mofo wanna try to leave an ANONYMOUS comment on one of my blogs tryin to call me all kinds of ish..wow..really..you talk big shit and but you too scared to post who your identity is?

Just know this: I love a hating ass mofo..LOVE IT. So keep it coming..least I know you paying attention...

The fact that you can try to post a comment and try to put me down, by saying I think I'm Hollywood, and I think I'm this and that..well apparantly you think i am..cuz u posted didnt ya?!

Look whoever you are..just because you probably look like a mutha fukkin mud duck..don't get mad at me cuz you got issues..I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume you must be one of the mofos I am talkin bout in these blogs...

If you don't like what I post..fine so be it..don't read the ish..and quit doing mofo-ish type ish..OR better yet..u might just be one of the chicks of one of the stupid asses I wrote about..what u want some applause?? I see u must be craving some attention...

Over flooded ego is what you say I have..did your ass even go to college to know that ish don't make not bit of damn sense? This sentence here lets me know just how IGNAT u really are:

How be ever I see your reality show fame has you on another level.. At least in your mind.. Stop trying to be Hollywood when you are from the side of some hill in Asheville, North Nowhere

Oh I just luv a dumb mutha...Oh and then you wanna talk about my reality show? Bitch at least Im doing something..can you say the same? Your ass is probably sitting around in the projects on some ole other ish mad cuz ya man was paying me some attention ..or mad cuz you will NEVER be on my level..

And oh yeah..u gonna say some ish about mofos I met on the internet..drop some names and some incidents since u got soooooo much ish to say..and think u know ish..

What's real funny is u hate me..but I see you keep reading..Thanks for making your place in the Mofo Chronicles mutha fukka.

Women are Mofos too...

2009-08-09T18:24:00.004-04:00

What's up fam?

I don't want folks to get it twisted..the mofo chronicles isn't just all about men..the mofo term is an encompassing one and can include ANY and EVERYBODY..so now that we got that out the way...onto today's triflin mess...

Soooooo I decide to make an appearance at a birthday party over the weekend for this cool dude I know..now I go FULLY expecting some ish as I always do..but my gawd...my eyeballz weren't ready for this...

I walked in..and when I tell you that I couldn't do ish but blink so much my damn contact lenses were dried out..

There were women dancing and gyrating..wait..big women..little women..just women period...or as i like to call them...MOFOS.

These heffas had the audacity to be wearing what looked like a pair of panties with fishnets and a shirt..

Now..I don't know bout ya'll but if you are going to attend a party..do you show up with your ish hanging out? Then proceed to bend over and dance azz up for the crowd..maybe they have some exotic dancer type ish going on in their minds..but fam..this wasn't that type of party..it was a grown and sexxy affair..and im just gonna go out on a limb and assume mofos thought they were wearing sexxy outfits..hmmmmmk...

Granted, this is an area that has been known for its ghetto fabness..but good lawd..can mofos spare the rest of us from having to see this ish? Save that ish for the bedroom after you reel in whatever you tryin to catch!

Lesson Learned: COVER UP. nuff said. please and thanks.

A Disrespectful Mofo

2009-08-02T18:05:00.003-04:00

What up fam?!
I know ..I know..I need to blog about my darn self since I've been neglecting ya'll ..but hey..im back and that's what counts right?!

Take a stroll with me down memory lane to a couple of weeks ago...
I was having a discussion with a guy about how some folks can be petty in certain situations..well I don't know if his ass is bipolar or what..but he just flipped out on a sista..and as I turned to leave (cuz I REFUSE to waste my energy on stupid mofos by arguing with them)...he calls me out of my mutha freakin name!

Ya'll ready for this one??

This fool fixed his lil black lips to call me:

A got dayum CHICKENHEAD!

blink. blink. blink. (dang there should be a button on the keyboard for me to just insert blinks..but I digress)..

Now..for those of you who do not know the definition of a chickenhead..google.com should be ur best friend..USE IT.

Needless to say..I didn't choke his azz..I am a lady..and I simply said..wow..we are resorting to middle school with the name calling..that's cool..and walked away..now if I was younger when my temper was a lil off the chain..I'd probably be sitting in the 4th street mansion..handcuffs and all...

Lesson Learned: There is no excuse for someone being disrespectful..NONE. Clearly this fine example of a mofo has a lack of vocabulary and can't express himself in any other way. Mama always said..if you don't have anything nice to say ..don't say it all. (and for u smart azzez..MOFO is a term of endearment LOL)..

Stay fab!

~Meik..

Makin eye contact with a mofo is a NO! NO!

2009-07-11T18:37:00.003-04:00

What up fam?!
It's been awhile since I've had a mofo to blog on...and lo and behold I let my mofo guard down last night and committed the ultimate no-no..I made EYE CONTACT...

Lemme 'splain this to ya..mofos circle are like animals..they circle their prey..and when the right moment arises..they pounce...

So here I am minding my own darn biz-nass enjoying some old skool hip hop karaoke..when the fool of the night gets on the mic with a drunken rendition of Elevators by Outkast..and im offended he didn't know the dayum words but I digress...

So as me and my crew giggle at this fool..coupled with the fact that his azz looks like Special Ed..(remember I Got it Made, and I'm the Magnificent?)..now Ed was cute back then...but this mofo looked like Ed's distant cousin on crack, with a huge azz gap in between his front teeth, and they are buck at that..geeeeeez..

sooo anyhoo..the guy that I was sitting there chatting with decides to go get some fresh air (damn him) and that leaves and open spot next to me...someone walks past and knocks a bottle of water off the lil table in front of me so lean over pick it up and as soon as I sit back up and look up..my eyes are locked into this fool...yes ya'll..mr ed him dayum self..

so he slithers on over and sits down..proceeding to spit all in my face and tell me that he makes his own wine and i should come and taste it..cuz its sweet...

blink.

blink.

blink..

no thanks. im good..

soooo after about a 5 min convo of me trying to coax him to go back onstage and get the hell on away from me..the guy comes back to claim his seat..thank gawd...

ooh but it aint over yet fam...so i decide to walk around a bit..and as im going thru the crowd..a long skinny arm grabs me...yes..mr ed a dayum 'gain..but he's grinding on another chick and tryin to holla at me all at the same time...mmmk..so i shake my head, yank my arm and keep it moving..

Fast forward to 20 min later..I've relocated to the corner of the bar and am having a convo with a friend..i turn around to sit my drink down and this mofo elbows my girl outta the way and proceeds to slur the words of Biggie's One More Chance (that someone is performing) all the while trying to grind on me and feel on my legs...(gawd im disgusted just thinking about it)..

So..in the nicest way possible, I tell him he is a rude a** mofo and he should apologize to my friend...

he just won't stop...he keeps asking me to taste his wine (im soooo gaggin as i type this)

so the only way i can get rid of this lame is to just f'in leave the club..

Lesson Learned: Never make eye contact...a mofo will think you want them..then its hard as hell to shake em..

Letter to my first love

2009-07-11T16:31:00.002-04:00

A letter to my first loveJuly 6th, 2009 by Shameika René in Mingling in the Queen City

Dear First Love,

I Remember the Time when I first fell in love.

I was a PYT when I first heard your voice loud and clear through my parents’ stereo — every note, lyric, and even the beat made me want to Rock With You.

You explained to me how love could be as easy as ABC, but unfortunately, that lesson has yet to be learned, but that’s another story.

As I sat glued to the television watching you debut the moonwalk across the stage. I discovered that just maybe I could one day be a Dancing Machine, but later realized that just isn’t my thing and for that matter neither is singing.

I respected your hustle, because your diligence, creativity, persistence, and phenomenal talent broke down barriers and paved the way for the future. I thank you for that, because who knows where the state of music and music videos would be today.

But boo, you scared the living piss out of me with Thriller. I couldn’t even handle being in the dark for weeks without thinking that a mummy was going to bust out of the floor and snatch me up, but that didn’t stop me from begging for a red leather jacket with a pair of black loafers and trying to get my Smooth Criminal lean on.

I love that there is no other performer that could bring an entire crowd to tears with just their mere stage presence. That ability alone should be the definition of TRUE SWAGGA.

No matter how big of an international sensation you became, you took the time to try to Heal the World.

When others tried to imitate you, I wanted them to just keep it In the Closet because it just wasn’t the same.

While some wondered about your eccentric ways, I knew better. Game recognizes game. You knew just how to strike a chord with your finely tuned public relations team — but when it got out of hand and the tabloids kept hitting you below the belt, you didn’t let that deter you — instead you retaliated and told them in only a way that you can, Leave Me Alone.

Al Sharpton hit it right on the nose — you were never what they referred to as a freak, you just learned how to deal with a freakish situation. No one could possibly understand being in the public eye for more than 40 years.

Oooh, there’s just something about The Way You Make Me Feel every time I hear one of your songs. I admit, at times this thought ran through my mind, I Wanna be Where You Are and of course I imagined that I was gonna be your Girlfriend chillin up at Neverland Ranch (I’m blatantly ignoring those two boo pieces you married for good reasons).

For a couple of years you were Out of My Life. I began my affair with hip hop, and R&B. None of them could hold a candle to you.

When you reappeared, you had a whole new persona. You were Bad. That let the world know you ain’t putting up with ish and mofos could just Beat It. Especially when they see you lighting up the sidewalk like Billie Jean.

As the years went by, I barely recognized you, but, it never really mattered to me if you were Black or White because you were still Dangerous. Besides, with your distinctive style of dance, I always knew it was you.

With every song, every video I knew that you were always gonna Wanna be Starting Something and the imitators would emerge, I think that’s when I realized that I Just Can’t Stop Loving You.
Once again, you dropped out of sight, but were never far from my mind — especially if I hit the club and my Jam came on — or if I had a bad day at work and needed to put my 9 to 5 up on the shelf and live Off the Wall.

You resurfaced once again — still with the ability to give me Butterflies. Who knew you could still Rock My World?

I wanted to Scream in horror as accusations flew and knew that it was only a matter of time before you checked into the penthouse suite at Heartbreak Hotel, but your true fans and supporters let you know that You Are Not Alone.

I couldn’t help but wonder if these same accusers had taken the time to eyeball their own Man in the Mirror; but we won’t go down that road in this letter. I guess its just a part of Human Nature that makes you question why?

Finally in all your “swaggnificant” glory at 50 years old you uttered the words I longed to hear. You announced your comeback tour, I knew that at that moment my king was back and I could once again Smile. Music was about to return to the the way it should be, the way I remembered.

But before you could hit the stage, the unthinkable happened.

Your final curtain call came sooner than expected.

June 25th at 2:26pm (pacific time), my heart shattered into pieces as I watched the news all I could do was blink, because just like that you were Gone too Soon.

Another Part of Me now gone from my Childhood.

Too bad that we couldn’t say Heaven Can Wait but I guess you were needed to entertain the angels.

I don’t know what happened in your final moments, and I guess it really doesn’t matter but one thing is for sure.

I Never Can Say Goodbye to my first love especially to a man that crooned to me I’ll be There.

You will be in my heart Forever Michael.

RIP Michael J. Jackson, King of Pop.

RIP Michael Jackson the King of Pop

2009-06-27T16:07:00.003-04:00

The King of Pop is dead.

It's funny, I could never understand how people could boo hoo and cry and be hurt over the passing of someone they don't know on a personal level.

June 25th..I found out just how it feels.

I of course like many, have stayed glued to the television, watching the latest news on what happened, and checking out all the videos that Michael Jackson left us to enjoy..and being the mofo that I am..I've also been trying to mimic the dance moves that I once attempted as a child (now what makes me think I can do them now..who knows)

And each time I watch the same videos over and over ..I get this feeling I just can't seem to explain...almost like a part of my childhood has been torn away. Even writing this im a lil teary eyed.

Everyone has some sort of connection to MJ..I guess mine is similar...growing up listening to his music, glued to the tv for every video, performance, ect..

And of course when Thriller came out..I just knew I was gonna be "Wifey" Jackson..lol..

and of course all the years that I was a cheerleader..MJ and his choreography was always an inspiration..especially around competition/pep rally time...

but growing up, when i hit my lil writing phase..Michael Jackson and the Jackson family were always the topic of my essays or lil articles that I wrote just for fun..I guess I always knew I'd be a writer/journalist and hoped one day I'd be lucky enough to actually meet the Legend himself..

It never happened, but I did manage to see his star at the Hollywood Walk of Fame a couple of years ago..and I take comfort in knowing I was never one to judge him or question why he did anything, and I was still listening to his music as if it just came out last week...I just viewed him as a creative, magical, extremely talented force to be reckoned with..

Im starting to ramble..but im not quite sure how to end this blog except to say...

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson, you will never be forgotten...

Mofo got too many issues..

2009-06-13T20:13:00.001-04:00

What's up fam? I know I'm slippin on my blogs...but lawd knows I debated on blogging on this one..but I'm still laughing so I figured...aww hell do it.

Have you ever gone somewhere and just had an amazing conversation with someone and thought..dang..this mofo has some sense..I'd like to get to know this person a lil better??

Well...A while back...it was a girls night out..we're all looking cute..chillin at the bar...knocking back a few and in walks this cutie that's in there all the time..so i make my way over and start chit chatting and he introduces me to his friend.

ok...now why is it when u tryin to talk to one mofo..the friend is always the one interested? dang it....well good thing he was cute..hell.

So..We get to talking...and he keeps handing me more moet to drink..on top of that goose i been sippin on and we exchange numbers and im thinking..ill never speak to his azz again...hell..least i got a good buzz LOL..

He calls the next day and invites me to dinner...ok he gets two points...one for calling and inviting me to dinner and two for not running the red light and heading straight for the drawz...
So I'm all excited..like yeah...im going on a date..with a black man in the qc..woo hoo..a mofo with some sense, a job, and he's cute!

well...

remember...i was drunk right? well....as I'm driving..I'm thinking..wait..WTF did he look like? All i can recall is he was light skin but no features are jumping out at me..so i check in with a couple of my girls..they give their seal of approval so im good...

So I take a deep breath...open the door to the restaurant...and walk in...I see a cute guy standing at the bar..and he turns around and comes over..(whew..at least he is a cutie)...then we chat while waiting for the hostess...and I'm thinking...WTF is he looking at?

Fam..I swear to gawd..he was looking at me..but not looking at me..

I mean..his face was in my direction but his eyes were always looking past me..almost like a blind person would do...so u know me..im simple as hell..I turn around to see what he looking at...and I dont see anything..ok obviously I do this all nite and I realize..something is wrong..but I can't force myself to ask..so i just say f it..he's still cool..and the convo is on point...

UNTIL...

his f'in phone is going off every few minutes and then he reveals to me...
he has..
4
dayum
kids.

umm Meik DONT DO THAT MANY KIDS. 1 is cool...but 4..awww hell naw...

well at least they are by the same women..so that's a plus right?

So by the end of the night I've decided that he is gonna get the okey doke brush off..but I can't do it..cuz he's mad cool...lawd help me..i think i done developed a conscious and a soft heart...what happened to the Meik we all know and love????

The funny part is..I have no clue what that mans name is..so I gave him a name..and fool answers by it everytime...

So..I made good on my new years resolution to give mofos a chance...and I believe one of my girls said it best "You gotta give even the critters a chance..they could turn out to be your prince"..

well...this one aint my prince charming but i do think i gained a friend..but the shyt is still funny to me..what's even funnier is that the next day..I go off on all my girls that gave the stamp of approval and these mofos gonna say.."oh u didnt notice that??"

Lesson Learned: Don't accept dates if u dont know what a mofo looks like...and DONT listen to the drunk azzes that was with u cuz they sho dont tell the truth when u need them to LOL....

~Meik..

Lies I oh so despise...

2009-05-31T19:17:00.002-04:00

Whats up fam?

I had to blog to get this out...I AM DONE WITH DATING. i cannot take no mo!! I repeat I CANNOT TAKE NO MO.

Why?

Well..stroll along with me down memory lane to last month..

I met a guy..and his friend was trying to holla at my girl..no problem...they seem cool enough..not really my type of flow..but cool..

My friend finds out later that that fool is married..so he's pushed to the wayside..me..I still continue to entertain ..well let's call him "A"...now..he tells me he's 33 years old, got a couple of kids, good job..blah blah...but I'm remembering that when I was standing beside him when we met..I was taller than him with heels on..but when I ask him how tall he is..he replies 5'10.
Now fam...I aint the best at math..but how is this possible..I'm 5'5...add a couple inches or three for heels..and I still shouldn't be taller right?

I digress..so fast forward to the date..and we meet at a nice spot uptown for dinner (and I realize again..I'm taller than this mofo)..now keep in mind, I have really bad acid reflux at times and this just so happens to the be a week where its flaring up bad, so I tell the mofo I won't be drinking..
"A" continues to ignore me and say we gonna take shots , we gonna get some goose..on and on..tells the waitress..and at this point im like..FOOL IF U WANT ME TO VOMIT ON U I SUGGEST U TELL HER TO TAKE THAT ISH BACK.

so that's flag number gazillion and one..mofo dont dayum listen.

Gazillion and two..ya'll know i hate when a mofo wears brown and black together..ugh...i cant stand it!

I digress again...as the convo progresses he brings up something or another about people our age..so I ask how old he is again..

Him: "Umm 33, 34"..

WTF WHICH ONE IS IT?!

Him: "umm you know..i forget sometimes"

blink. blink. blink.

Me: "Lemme see your license.."

Him in a high pitched voice "I dont have it with me".

Me: "well how in the hot hayle u sitting at the bar drinking before i get here then?"

Him: ummmmm....

So eventually the mutha gives me his license..i notice 2 things: DOB 1971 or 72...(which makes his ass way older than he said ) and his height is like 5'7 or 5'8..

Now ..my concern here is fool gonna continue to lie with this ish in my hand and tell me he's 33...again..I aint no mathematical genius but I do know if I was born in 1977 aint no dayum way in hell he 33 if Im about to turn 32.

We head to part 2 of the date..we go to the movies and he keeps talkin about how he loves the EPICENTER (now..folks..this is pronounced EPI-CENTER..not EPIC CENTER as this fool kept calling it)..and at this point im utterly disgusted then i go hide in the bathroom to text my girls to see what i should do next LOL..but I come out and this fool has gotten us seats in the theater where couples can sit together. GAWD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!

So i sit as far away as I can and every few minutes : "You ok? You good? You need anything? then he utters Boo?

I know this mofo did NOT just call me Boo?!!!

Oh i let him have it...in only a way that I can...and inform him my damn mama didn't name me Boo...and not to ask me ish else..

As we walkin back to the car he proceeds to tell me again how Im wifey material and not just a hit and quit it chick..i dont know if i was supposed to say something back but i just blinked..then he says give him a chance cuz he's honest..

WTF?!

We just uncovered all these lieeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and you honest?!

Needless to say this mofo got the DELETE button and a deuces cuz im done.

DONE I TELL YA!

Lesson Learned: just don't damn date. nuff said.

Rulez of Engagement

2009-05-29T16:21:00.002-04:00

What's up fam?

Ya girl was representin for Mofo Chronicles on Spike Spillberg's Blog Talk Radio Show! The topic: Rules of engagement before and after sex..here's a link..check it out!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/skeebofilms/2009/05/29/Spike-Spillnerg

And if you need a reminder here's the top 10 rules:

1. Set your expectation level
2. Make sure you are ALWAYS prepared ie protection, money, mints
3. Google Mofos!!
4. Honesty is a Must!
5. Communication is key!
6. Call the day after you get a taste of the cookie..its the courteous thing to do..
7. Pay attention to the Red Flagz!
8. Make sure there are common interests..no point in wasting times
9. Value yourself
10.Never assume anything!

~Meik..